I can see my parents getting divorced because Dad won't retire

[Anonymous]

To see them argue is eating me up. They've been married almost 40 years. I'm an only child and looking to get engaged this year. Looks like I am going to be the bride with the separated parents.

The background is, they live in the metropolitan area where my mom grew up. Dad hates it and says it's nothing but strip malls and subdivisions. Plus, they have been in the same house for 25 years and he wants something different. Mom retired four years ago and wakes up at 11AM, then sits in a recliner on the phone and usually doesn't leave the house until 2 or 3PM. Dad says he would rather be divorced and live in a beat up apartment with empty liquor bottles than retire to that (he tends to get dramatic).

The other piece is dad makes a lot of money, likes what he does, and wants to keep going (he's in his late 60s). Mom tells him he should be retired and has no business working while they are getting old and may not be able to travel someday.

Do I stay out of it? Try to be supportive? These are two people who want completely different things out of life as they get older. Mom wants to hang out with her two sisters (her entire family never left the area) and dad would.love to do something like live in Europe for a few years.

[Anonymous]

I mean, they’re grown adults. What would you say to them?

Do they ever travel? You don’t have to be retired to travel. Maybe your dad can scratch his travel hitch before retiring. I think working is good for their brains so I don’t think he should rush to retire. But they can find some middle ground.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should take your mother on a trip

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he neither likes nor respects your mother very much. I think working allows him to keep his distance. I am quite certain he doesn’t want to travel with her.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people who have intellectual jobs don’t retire because they love it, have worked their entire adult lives and can’t imagine not working. My law firm has at least a dozen lawyers in their 70’s.

Stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

This is their dynamic, OP. They’ll be unhappy either way. My parents were EXACTLY like this until the day my dad retired; my mom begging him to retire so they could travel. Guess what? She hates him home and wishes he would “go somewhere” and they haven’t traveled anywhere because my mom is lazy (and it sounds like your mom is, too.)

This is their dynamic. This back and forth bickering will never change. They won’t be happy anywhere. This is who they are. You can’t change them.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn’t your mom travel without him? She could also visit her sister’s alone.

[Anonymous]

There is only so much change that’s going to happen inside their relationship after 40 years.

Focus on your life, let them be. Their life might not be for you, but it’s a choice they are both making.

[Anonymous]

This just sounds like their dynamic. I don't blame your mom for wanting to be close to her sisters. It's important to have support when you get older. Some men love work. I've been telling my husband he should retire. He's 65 and we have plenty of money, but he enjoys it.

I bet in a few years, they will be doing the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Can't they travel while he is working? If they can but aren't then I think the problem isn't him being retired.

Save your judgment about your mom. She may have retired because she doesn't feel well - and doesn't have much energy. It's possible she feels the urgency to travel because she can feel her health and energy slipping and wants to travel while she can You aren't in her body and you don't need to judge what her retirement looks like.

Have they always fought or is this new? Do either of them open up to you about this?

It sounds really self-centered to make this about you being a bride with separated parents. How about focusing on your parents' health and happiness?

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

You are not your parents’ marriage counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn’t your mom travel without him? She could also visit her sister’s alone.

Did you even bother to read the OP? Her mom doesn't want to travel, her dad does. Her mother hast turned into a slug in retirement. She wants to hang out in her hometown with her family, while he doesn't like the town and wants to travel, or move.

OP, I think you have to not focus on what YOU want (having a loving intact family) and focus on what it best for them. It is entirely possible that divorce, or living apart, will make them both happier.

[Anonymous]

OP back: they do travel. Last year they were in Florida, France, and Germany. My mom thinks retirement means you are always on the go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn’t your mom travel without him? She could also visit her sister’s alone.

Did you even bother to read the OP? Her mom doesn't want to travel, her dad does. Her mother hast turned into a slug in retirement. She wants to hang out in her hometown with her family, while he doesn't like the town and wants to travel, or move.

OP, I think you have to not focus on what YOU want (having a loving intact family) and focus on what it best for them. It is entirely possible that divorce, or living apart, will make them both happier.

This isn’t the impression I got at all. OP said the mom is the one who mentions travel, the dad just wants to keep working. Mom is lazy and sits around the house all day.

OP, can you clarify?