Childless women would want their own child when they marry a divorced man

[Anonymous]

We are in our mid forties and know several divorced men in their mid to late forties. The natural thing for these mid forties men were to date women in their thirties. As the relationship progressed, every single one wants to get married and have a kid. I think this is the natural feeling for a woman in love. Problem is the man already has kids and may not want more.

One man we know dated someone for years and eventually broke up because the woman wanted to marry. He told her from the beginning he does not ever want to remarry.

Another got remarried, had a baby and got divorced again.

Another got married to someone in her late thirties. She wants a baby and he doesn’t. When they got married, she said she didn’t want to have a baby.

Others just break up before they get too serious because man doesn’t want more kids.

Would you settle on this?

Not have a biological child to be with a guy you love or have another kid when you don’t want more.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Wouldn’t work for me..

[Anonymous]

The obvious solution is for these men in their 40s to date women their own age. Then there’s a much higher chance that they’ll already have their own kids or not want them, and that they won’t be desperate to marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The obvious solution is for these men in their 40s to date women their own age. Then there’s a much higher chance that they’ll already have their own kids or not want them, and that they won’t be desperate to marry.

This is what I did.

I had my kids. I love them but they’re launched. I am looking forward to grandkids. But I don’t want to rear another child again. I did my time.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who married in her late 30s and has always been a very happy step mom. Her husband’s first wife doesn’t see herself as “mom material” so my friend has been the primary caregiver in that sense with her husband.

Genes aren’t everything, in both directions in this case.

[Anonymous]

I was the woman in that situation. I adored the guy, but having a family was more important to me so I ended it.

Eventually he came around and we did end up getting married and having our own child.

I also made it clear this wasn’t a favor he was doing for me, he would still be equally as responsible (I know couples where the husband didn’t want kids and did it as a “favor”, so mom takes on all the childcare. I was not willing to do that).

We’re happy, although blended families are hard. Sometimes I do wish I had waited for a man without his own kids, but I don’t know if he and I would have gotten along as well as H and I do.

[Anonymous]

In retrospect? For the right man, yes I would settle, if he had kids I could be a stepmom to. I don’t need my own biological kids but have a strong maternal instinct that I think my life is richer for. Of course this means that the stepparent relationship would have to be good as well or I wouldn’t get married.

[Anonymous]

Of the two couples I know like this they both ended up having one baby together. One had a vasectomy reversed. So it seems the women get the baby sometimes even though the men swore no more babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The obvious solution is for these men in their 40s to date women their own age. Then there’s a much higher chance that they’ll already have their own kids or not want them, and that they won’t be desperate to marry.

+1

There are women who don't want kids, that said. I am one of them. But I wasn't looking for a divorced 40-something year old to marry. I married someone my age who also didn't want kids.

You can find a woman who's already in her mid to late 30s who doesn't have kids and says she doesn't want them.

He could also find someone who already has her own kids. But let me guess - these guys don't want that.

[Anonymous]

The only time I’ve really seen this work out was with one of those guys who is kind of a big kid himself. First wife (my friend) was happy to have another responsible adult involved with her kids. Her boys seem to genuinely love their baby sister, and her ex seems to have finally grown up a little in his forties.

Most of the time though, it seems like a disaster. The older guy is used to being in charge at work and at home, and he has already done this. Meanwhile, all first time moms go through a stage of motherhood where they think they can do everything perfectly, and they aren’t going to listen to him. At the same time, they want him to be waaaaay more involved than he was/is with his kids from his first marriage. The older kids get jealous and upset. It seems like a mess all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only time I’ve really seen this work out was with one of those guys who is kind of a big kid himself. First wife (my friend) was happy to have another responsible adult involved with her kids. Her boys seem to genuinely love their baby sister, and her ex seems to have finally grown up a little in his forties.

Most of the time though, it seems like a disaster. The older guy is used to being in charge at work and at home, and he has already done this. Meanwhile, all first time moms go through a stage of motherhood where they think they can do everything perfectly, and they aren’t going to listen to him. At the same time, they want him to be waaaaay more involved than he was/is with his kids from his first marriage. The older kids get jealous and upset. It seems like a mess all around.

Oddly what I have seen is that the women have the kid then go back to work and the older husband steps back and spends a lot more time with the new kid since he's working less. More than he ever did with his other kids. It's worked so far for the two couples I know like this, despite all odds.

[Anonymous]

Only if he is divorced without kids. If he has kids, then you remain childless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the woman in that situation. I adored the guy, but having a family was more important to me so I ended it.

Eventually he came around and we did end up getting married and having our own child.

I also made it clear this wasn’t a favor he was doing for me, he would still be equally as responsible (I know couples where the husband didn’t want kids and did it as a “favor”, so mom takes on all the childcare. I was not willing to do that).

We’re happy, although blended families are hard. Sometimes I do wish I had waited for a man without his own kids, but I don’t know if he and I would have gotten along as well as H and I do.

I’m sure your step kids aren’t happy with a constant presence in their lives who wishes they didn’t exist. I’m sure your DH is a great catch though to have got someone like you.

[Anonymous]

Stop having kids ladies
GOP hates them or wants to abuse them

[Anonymous]

I want more kids.