Travel to Asia

[Anonymous]

Anytime time my DH's parents get sick, he feels obliged to travel there. We've been married for 3 decades and he has done several emergency travels even though three other siblings live there and one in UK but somehow he is always cornered into doing it. One of his in-town sibling helps as she lives next door to parents and has inherited their house. All of parents expenses are paid my my DH and they have driver, maid and day/night caregivers coming.

I have no issue with him traveling or spending but he is getting old and its taking a toll on his health. Is there a good solution of this situation? He feels guilt of not being able to live and care for them but we obviously can't leave our lives, jobs and kids (even though they are grown) to move there and can't afford moving his parents here as full time caregiving and healthcare would kill our finances and probably marriage as well.

[Anonymous]

Are they rich/crazy rich?
DH did this too. And yes he's a good son and loves his parents. But he also goes there because sharks are circling, will can be changed or lost, and just make sure everyone from servants to secret half siblings are on the up and up

[Anonymous]

Is he the eldest son? Usually the expectations are the the eldest son has the prime responsibility for caring for aging parents. Hence his guilt and sense of obligation.

I think it's reasonable to point out your concerns, especially for his health. But he'd still want to visit and that's a normal desire. What you don't want is the haphazard nature of these drop everything and go last minute trips. It's better to have regularly scheduled visits, say once a year or every other year, to see his parents. That way it's predictable and planned in advance, and he'd be visiting when they're in relative health, instead of during a crisis. And only go there unplanned when it's a true emergency.

[Anonymous]

No they don't have any inheritance to give. He finances their life and healthcare there. Only thing they had was a house which their daughter got transferred in her name and she moved in with them. That's one reason other siblings doesn't want to go there.

[Anonymous]

What would your answer be OP? He doesn’t go? Are you looking for permission for that? If you truly don’t care about the time and money, what are you looking for with this post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he the eldest son? Usually the expectations are the the eldest son has the prime responsibility for caring for aging parents. Hence his guilt and sense of obligation.

I think it's reasonable to point out your concerns, especially for his health. But he'd still want to visit and that's a normal desire. What you don't want is the haphazard nature of these drop everything and go last minute trips. It's better to have regularly scheduled visits, say once a year or every other year, to see his parents. That way it's predictable and planned in advance, and he'd be visiting when they're in relative health, instead of during a crisis. And only go there unplanned when it's a true emergency.

He does yearly travel as well. Did two every year but with their aging issues and his own health issues, only does one scheduled one and one whenever there is a crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would your answer be OP? He doesn’t go? Are you looking for permission for that? If you truly don’t care about the time and money, what are you looking for with this post?

I think he should as otherwise he'll have depression due to guilt but it complicates his physical health. If his health deteriorates, its going to be my problem and loss, no one else is coming to care or spend so it concerns me for both of us as we've aged as well.

[Anonymous]

My father paid for his mother's expenses but minor emergencies were always dealt with by his local sisters, which was a perfect arrangement. He did not need to travel unless it was a question of life and death, which happened once when I was a teenager - she recovered. And sadly, when my Japanese grandma did pass away, it was during the pandemic when Japan was in complete lockdown, and none of us living abroad could visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father paid for his mother's expenses but minor emergencies were always dealt with by his local sisters, which was a perfect arrangement. He did not need to travel unless it was a question of life and death, which happened once when I was a teenager - she recovered. And sadly, when my Japanese grandma did pass away, it was during the pandemic when Japan was in complete lockdown, and none of us living abroad could visit.

With easy availability of affordable healthcare and in home 24 hr caregivers there, specially if overseas kids are paying for it, its really not that difficult for local family to supervise it, more so if they are inheriting house etc.

All of this didn't feel as difficult in earlier decades but now touching 60's, its tough with looming retirement and our own health problems complicating it.

[Anonymous]

Op dont donthis.
Let him go as he needs/ wishes. Otherwise his guilt would be enormous later and he will hold you responsible for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would your answer be OP? He doesn’t go? Are you looking for permission for that? If you truly don’t care about the time and money, what are you looking for with this post?

I think he should as otherwise he'll have depression due to guilt but it complicates his physical health. If his health deteriorates, its going to be my problem and loss, no one else is coming to care or spend so it concerns me for both of us as we've aged as well.

OP, the way this comes across is that you are worried about getting stuck taking care of your generous, good husband. Is that what you mean? Are you actually concerned for him personally? It’s valid to care about yourself but if it’s exclusively that, IDK. There’s also a vibe that if there was an inheritance coming you wouldn’t mind. Maybe that’s misinterpretation. All you can do is have a respectful conversation with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Also not sure what you're looking for with this post. With your kids grown, you/your DH can do whatever you want. You want us to tell your DH not to go? I presume he's aware of his own health issues and deals with them accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anytime time my DH's parents get sick, he feels obliged to travel there. We've been married for 3 decades and he has done several emergency travels even though three other siblings live there and one in UK but somehow he is always cornered into doing it. One of his in-town sibling helps as she lives next door to parents and has inherited their house. All of parents expenses are paid my my DH and they have driver, maid and day/night caregivers coming.

I have no issue with him traveling or spending but he is getting old and its taking a toll on his health. Is there a good solution of this situation? He feels guilt of not being able to live and care for them but we obviously can't leave our lives, jobs and kids (even though they are grown) to move there and can't afford moving his parents here as full time caregiving and healthcare would kill our finances and probably marriage as well.

Ok wait. Listen to yourself. The other siblings live there, and therefore they have to handle everything without any help from your DH? No. He chose to move away, and he's experiencing the consequences. He doesn't get to opt out of in-person caregiving. He's equally their child and he needs to do his share. That's not being "cornered". It's being a normal person. Normal people spend time with their parents and help as their parents get old.

There's not a "good solution" if your idea of a good solution is for him to never see his parents and have his siblings pick up his slack. You need to accept that he cares about his family and will spend time with them like a normal person does!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he the eldest son? Usually the expectations are the the eldest son has the prime responsibility for caring for aging parents. Hence his guilt and sense of obligation.

I think it's reasonable to point out your concerns, especially for his health. But he'd still want to visit and that's a normal desire. What you don't want is the haphazard nature of these drop everything and go last minute trips. It's better to have regularly scheduled visits, say once a year or every other year, to see his parents. That way it's predictable and planned in advance, and he'd be visiting when they're in relative health, instead of during a crisis. And only go there unplanned when it's a true emergency.

He does yearly travel as well. Did two every year but with their aging issues and his own health issues, only does one scheduled one and one whenever there is a crisis.

This sounds like a very normal way for your DH to behave. You need to accept that you're married to a man who has family overseas and he loves them and cares about them.

Older people have emergencies. That's a fact of life. You can't dump all the unscheduled emergencies on the siblings, that isn't fair to them. Just because they live locally doesn't mean your DH is excused from doing a fair share. It's not their fault he moved away.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like your DH is telling you what he thinks you want to hear-- that he has no choice, that he's been "cornered" by his mean, mean siblings who somehow managed to coerce him into buying tickets and flying even though they are miles and miles away. I suspect that he actually just wants to visit his parents, he's just trying to avoid conflict with you by making it seem like it isn't his fault.