Hostess Etiquette - how do you both serve and sit with guests?

[Anonymous]

I hosted a dinner for about 8 family members on New Year's Eve. Usually my MIL does it, but I decided to take a turn this year since her kitchen is undergoing some work. I planned a meal similar to MIL's - salad, soup, and finger foods set out on the table, where normally people sit and eat and chat for about an hour while she finishes heating up the main dishes. Then she sets them all out on a buffet table and calls everyone to come get a plate. People get a plate and sit where they want.

But that's not what happened when I did it. Instead, no one ate the salad, soup, appetizers, or other foods I had set out on the table. They said they were waiting for me to sit down. I asked them to please go ahead and start while I finished preparing the main dishes, but they just sat there. So I was rushing around with everyone sitting and staring at me (not even chatting) while I tried to get all the dishes heated and plated as fast as possible. I had to abandon the idea of a buffet table and put it on the dining table, because it was clear no one was going to move. It was incredibly stressful and uncomfortable. So I started setting things out one thing at a time, and still they would not begin until I managed to get every single thing hot and plated and finally sit down myself. I was completely frazzled and exhausted by then.

I can't figure out what went wrong. How does one have everything plated and hot and served all at once, and also sit down and eat so that guests will eat? What did I do wrong?

[Anonymous]

Its proper to wait till everyone is seated to eat. Someone should have been helping you.

[Anonymous]

Why will they eat when MIL hosts and she is preparing stuff? Ask her.

[Anonymous]

I would never put appetizers on the table. Put them in the living room where people are hanging out. Have spouse take care of drinks.

Set buffet with salad & main dishes. No soup. Invite everyone to help themselves from buffet.

[Anonymous]

Your guests were actually rude when they didn’t eat after you asked them to. And instead of staring at you, they should have offered to help.

Next time sit with them and get everyone started on eating, then when they are underway, excuse yourself “for a minute” and go what you need to do in the kitchen. OR, better yet, serve things that can just be kept warm in the oven and ready to serve.

[Anonymous]

What’s the seating situation at your mil’s? Are they seated at the dining table or are they milling about chatting?

It sounds like they were sitting at your dining table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never put appetizers on the table. Put them in the living room where people are hanging out. Have spouse take care of drinks.

Set buffet with salad & main dishes. No soup. Invite everyone to help themselves from buffet.

This. I generally put appetizers out in the living room and not in the dining room, so people know not to wait to eat them (I think if they're on the dining room table, people think it's part of dinner and they should wait).

The buffet/food is separate in another room.

[Anonymous]

PP here. People come in, chat and sit around in the living room by the coffee table (where appetizers are).

When it's time to eat dinner, then they get their food and eat in another room (they get it from the sideboard or kitchen island (depending on how much food) and eat it in the dining room.

[Anonymous]

The appetizers needed to be NOT on the main dining table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The appetizers needed to be NOT on the main dining table.

Yep. Set them up on a coffee table, or something like that in the living room or den or wherever you direct people to sit down and mingle when they first arrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The appetizers needed to be NOT on the main dining table.

Yes, from the responses I'm gathering this was the main issue. I needed better space planning. It didn't occur to me that where I put things would have that effect. Guess now I know.

[Anonymous]

how does your MIL set it up normally?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The appetizers needed to be NOT on the main dining table.

Yes, from the responses I'm gathering this was the main issue. I needed better space planning. It didn't occur to me that where I put things would have that effect. Guess now I know.

Did people eventually eat the appetizers an soup? Or were you able to save them, so now you have lunch for the week? (I'm looking for a bright spot, can you tell?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your guests were actually rude when they didn’t eat after you asked them to. And instead of staring at you, they should have offered to help.

Next time sit with them and get everyone started on eating, then when they are underway, excuse yourself “for a minute” and go what you need to do in the kitchen. OR, better yet, serve things that can just be kept warm in the oven and ready to serve.

Serving food that can be kept warm in the oven is key. I also prefer it because I clean the kitchen before guests arrive. What did you serve?

[Anonymous]

The whole scenario is weird. No wonder people didn’t know what to do. Serve appetizers and drinks in the living room or something while you are finishing the mains. Once the main dishes are ready, set up a buffet on the kitchen island, and ask everyone to come make a plate and take their seat.

Don’t make things weirdly complicated. Sitting at a dining table eating finger foods while your host is in the kitchen?! Beyond weird.