Keeping Your Sanity as the "Pick Up the Slack" Partner

[Anonymous]

Does every relationship have one? Is this a modern problem because we are all trying to not live in the 1950s and share responsibility? I really appreciate how involved both DH and I are in our family and kids' lives, and he's an amazing dad, but sometimes I feel like it would be easier if we just totally divided and conquered. Like, if we are planning a vacation and try to do it together, we both pick the destination, and then he just cherry-picks or swoops in with bits and pieces ("oh! I booked ziplining for the second day!" and "ooh, here's a nice hotel that would work," meaning that I should book it) while I feel like I silently have to do the mundane -- actually booking flights, figuring out transportation, etc. Things that I plan are allowed to be critiqued in the name of providing fair input, but anything he proposes is sacred and untouchable because "I was just trying to help, you don't have to be so critical." Details get completely lost and it stresses me out to feel like he gets to "help" while I have to actually execute. But if I try to completely leave something to him -- "It sounds like you've given DD's birthday party a lot of thought, I say go ahead and book whatever you think is best!" -- he accuses me of not helping and setting him up to fail. It's exhausting. Like I said, I would rather just purely divide and conquer.

[Anonymous]

This won't be helpful to you maybe, so I will ask do you want to hear from someone without kids?

[Anonymous]

So you hate it when he leaves you to actually book something (because it’s SO HARD) but you ALSO hate it when HE books something (like a fun activity your kids might actually enjoy). Sounds like the guy can’t win, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This won't be helpful to you maybe, so I will ask do you want to hear from someone without kids?

Sure. OP here, I view it as more of a relationship thing, not a kid thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you hate it when he leaves you to actually book something (because it’s SO HARD) but you ALSO hate it when HE books something (like a fun activity your kids might actually enjoy). Sounds like the guy can’t win, honestly.

OP here. Umm, I definitely did not say the first part, especially not anything about it being "so hard," and kind of didn't even say the second part. If my post wasn't clear enough, that's on me, but you seem to be projecting something that is not my situation.

[Anonymous]

I think the problem is the shared aspect of it and the fact that he views his role as help (that is you’re the CEO and you’ve assigned him a task), vs him owning the entire project.
Read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. She explains well how everything requires conceptualize, plan, execute. So, we need to celebrate DD’s bday, plan something, and then actually do it. One person should own it all. With vacations, other than agreeing on dates together, one person owns it all, book flights, hotels, activities, packing, getting the family to the airport etc.

[Anonymous]

It is really hard, and if it feels unfair you start bean counting, “why am I always getting the flights? Why am I always taking the kids to the doctor? Etc etc.

If it feels like too much, the overwhelmed partner will feel resentful.

That’s why in many ways, the traditional one partner outside the home working, one partner inside the home is less complex and seems to work better.

[Anonymous]

I so wish I had these problems with my DH…

[Anonymous]

Pure divide and conquer is so much better.

I think you need to have a bigger talk though. Not just “okay, so you’re on the birthday party” but “going forward, I would really prefer if we took more of a divide and conquer approach for X, Y and Z reasons, rather than both helping. What do you think about that?”

The hardest part of pure divide and conquer (which we do very successfully) is keeping your mouth shut though. My husband is currently planning our kids birthday party, and IMHO, is making some not great choices… but I’m staying out of it. A mediocre 5th birthday party is NBD. A marriage where I’m constantly diving in to fix things, micromanaging, and my husband doesn’t “own” stuff like this? We hate each other in 5 years. Big picture!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is the shared aspect of it and the fact that he views his role as help (that is you’re the CEO and you’ve assigned him a task), vs him owning the entire project. ... One person should own it all. With vacations, other than agreeing on dates together, one person owns it all, book flights, hotels, activities, packing, getting the family to the airport etc.

I agree with this. OP, you're putting your husband in a no-win situation by dismissing each and every one of his suggestions, while at the same time wanting him to be involved. No matter what, he is the "slack" partner who's not stepping up to the plate.

Of course, if he were to insist on leading the project himself, then you'd deride every one of his decisions along the way to make him feel worse and yourself feel better. While at the same time offering him no help.

Own your projects, especially if they're your own idea. If you can't complete them without his help, then have some faith in your husband, hand him the reins, and stop feeling the need to belittle him at every opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is the shared aspect of it and the fact that he views his role as help (that is you’re the CEO and you’ve assigned him a task), vs him owning the entire project.
Read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. She explains well how everything requires conceptualize, plan, execute. So, we need to celebrate DD’s bday, plan something, and then actually do it. One person should own it all. With vacations, other than agreeing on dates together, one person owns it all, book flights, hotels, activities, packing, getting the family to the airport etc.

I never read this book but this is essentially how we operate. DH books something only if authorized when planning a trip, for instance, and usually if he has a browser window open already anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is really hard, and if it feels unfair you start bean counting, “why am I always getting the flights? Why am I always taking the kids to the doctor? Etc etc.

If it feels like too much, the overwhelmed partner will feel resentful.

That’s why in many ways, the traditional one partner outside the home working, one partner inside the home is less complex and seems to work better.

This is true but I was resentful when I was a SAHM too because there’s never a break. You work weekends too.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately this is the reality for a lot of women and there will be women on here who are pointing fingers at OP for doing this is that wrong but at the end of the day most men suck and do less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is the shared aspect of it and the fact that he views his role as help (that is you’re the CEO and you’ve assigned him a task), vs him owning the entire project. ... One person should own it all. With vacations, other than agreeing on dates together, one person owns it all, book flights, hotels, activities, packing, getting the family to the airport etc.

I agree with this. OP, you're putting your husband in a no-win situation by dismissing each and every one of his suggestions, while at the same time wanting him to be involved. No matter what, he is the "slack" partner who's not stepping up to the plate.

Of course, if he were to insist on leading the project himself, then you'd deride every one of his decisions along the way to make him feel worse and yourself feel better. While at the same time offering him no help.

Own your projects, especially if they're your own idea. If you can't complete them without his help, then have some faith in your husband, hand him the reins, and stop feeling the need to belittle him at every opportunity.

The frank misogyny and a lot of these responses is why this is such a problem. At no point does OP‘s post suggest that she’s belittling her husband. And before you make an assumptive statement that she is “probably doing this“, you’re probably wrong. Women don’t want their marriages to fail, contrary to what you might believe.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. It honestly sounds like your DH takes more initiative than mine-- I'd be thrilled if my spouse took the initiative to book a restaurant or an excursion during a vacation. Usually he will read some stuff online or talk to coworkers who have been to the same place right before we travel and then pass those suggestions along, but the expectation is that I will be the one to figure out logistics.

But we have the same issues with everything needing to be a joint decision even if I'm doing all the legwork, and with him frequently criticizing the stuff I choose (flights, hotels, cars, most meals and activities) but I must be unequivocally supportive if anything he suggested (even when I am the one who had to book it) or he'll say "well nevermind, next time I won't contribute if I'm just going to be criticized.").

I think the problem is that we set the ideal if egalitarian marriage and we made sure women had the tools for it (including the education and ability to make half the money) but we put literally no effort into getting mem the skills to truly do half. Some men have the organizational and communication skills to do what housewives traditionally did, but most don't and there are no social consequences for it. Whereas women face social consequences if they can't or don't do this stuff.