Keeping Your Sanity as the "Pick Up the Slack" Partner

[Anonymous]

I think it's uncommon to share tasks the way you describe because it doesn't work. We split up the total work but each person owns a thing. So one owns booking the vacation (and all associated activities) and the other owns planning the birthday party. I will say that to make it even more streamlined one person is always the birthday party planner, we don't alternate or shake it up, we tend to specialize. Just as an example, my dh does all haircuts, dental/ortho appts, dermatology appointments, all new shoes, sports equipment shopping, most birthday presents. I never think about those things. That's not a total list, just things that come to mind.

[Anonymous]

Just another very first world problem. Pathetic, communicate with your partner and figure it out like a grown up and be grateful that minor disagreements over vacation and birthday planning are the big thing that’s taking up space in your brain, and not real problems.

[Anonymous]

DH and I work well together with a divide and conquer mentality, though it also helps that we are generally on the same page. For vacations, he typically researches the flights and I look for hotels. Then we usually go over it with each other and decide together.

For DS' birthday parties, I'll usually find the venue and DH will book and organize it.

There are certain activities DH signs DS up for and certain ones I do and we know which ones we are responsible for.

It works out well. We've been together for 15 years and have never argued about these kinds of things.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you both are just too sensitive about things that don't matter, and also have unrealistic expectations about what you can get out of a vacation. It's common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just another very first world problem. Pathetic, communicate with your partner and figure it out like a grown up and be grateful that minor disagreements over vacation and birthday planning are the big thing that’s taking up space in your brain, and not real problems.

+1

I can’t stand how trendy it is for well-off women to complain about every GD tiny little task they do as they go about their privileged lives.

Mental load my @$$. Most of these types of women just need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is the shared aspect of it and the fact that he views his role as help (that is you’re the CEO and you’ve assigned him a task), vs him owning the entire project. ... One person should own it all. With vacations, other than agreeing on dates together, one person owns it all, book flights, hotels, activities, packing, getting the family to the airport etc.

I agree with this. OP, you're putting your husband in a no-win situation by dismissing each and every one of his suggestions, while at the same time wanting him to be involved. No matter what, he is the "slack" partner who's not stepping up to the plate.

Of course, if he were to insist on leading the project himself, then you'd deride every one of his decisions along the way to make him feel worse and yourself feel better. While at the same time offering him no help.

Own your projects, especially if they're your own idea. If you can't complete them without his help, then have some faith in your husband, hand him the reins, and stop feeling the need to belittle him at every opportunity.

The frank misogyny and a lot of these responses is why this is such a problem. At no point does OP‘s post suggest that she’s belittling her husband. And before you make an assumptive statement that she is “probably doing this“, you’re probably wrong. Women don’t want their marriages to fail, contrary to what you might believe.

It is not misogyny to critique someone who happens to be a woman. It's clearly laid out in the post that, whether OP's husband is...

- Taking on a project, while asking DW for input
- Taking the initiative to do some things, without DW's input
- Taking the initiative to do some things, with DW's input
- Making simple suggestions to DW, without taking action

...then it is problematic. The only things DH has not yet tried are the two extremes: to take over as HoH and delegate projects as desired, with OP having no say in the matter (basically what OP has been doing to him, with few exceptions), or to not be involved any projects at all, both of which would obviously infuriate the OP.

OP's learned behavior is to (on pain of being called a misogynist again) domineer in the relationship, but her biology is telling her the husband needs to lead. Two strong but conflicting beliefs that makes OP impossible to work with.

DH should be declared Venerable for the miracle that has been him remaining kind and agreeable after so many years of this nonsense, and OP needs to find a good therapist.

[Anonymous]

So tell him to plan the entire trip. I show up at the front door with my suitcase packed because my DH has planned it all.

[Anonymous]

You're complaining that he did the much harder work of figuring out a hotel and you had to, what? Click some buttons on a website. Truly pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does every relationship have one? Is this a modern problem because we are all trying to not live in the 1950s and share responsibility? I really appreciate how involved both DH and I are in our family and kids' lives, and he's an amazing dad, but sometimes I feel like it would be easier if we just totally divided and conquered. Like, if we are planning a vacation and try to do it together, we both pick the destination, and then he just cherry-picks or swoops in with bits and pieces ("oh! I booked ziplining for the second day!" and "ooh, here's a nice hotel that would work," meaning that I should book it) while I feel like I silently have to do the mundane -- actually booking flights, figuring out transportation, etc. Things that I plan are allowed to be critiqued in the name of providing fair input, but anything he proposes is sacred and untouchable because "I was just trying to help, you don't have to be so critical." Details get completely lost and it stresses me out to feel like he gets to "help" while I have to actually execute. But if I try to completely leave something to him -- "It sounds like you've given DD's birthday party a lot of thought, I say go ahead and book whatever you think is best!" -- he accuses me of not helping and setting him up to fail. It's exhausting. Like I said, I would rather just purely divide and conquer.

I don't have the exact same problem, but the "We should..." drives me insane because it means, "you should." I do use this to my advantage when I don't want to do something because I know he won't take the initiative.

Sadly, I do think most men want a pat on the head for each and every thing they do to contribute to the household work. I'd never stop talking if I was announcing all the household work I do.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're talking about the mental load of the household and family. It's a lot, and kids add even more (I say this as a now empty nester who STILL carries the mental load for our family).

You need to discuss this with your partner in these terms, only if there's something you are willing to hand over. For example, birthday parties (attending and your kids parties), sick kids, family vacations, doctor appointment, entertaining, school (PTA and teacher meetings and f/u with homework), whatever YOU are willing to let go of. Amd, you have to let go of it, even if he doesn't do it as fast as you would, as efficiently as you would, or as inexpensively as your would.

Decide what you are willing to let go of, and have the discussion with your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is really hard, and if it feels unfair you start bean counting, “why am I always getting the flights? Why am I always taking the kids to the doctor? Etc etc.

If it feels like too much, the overwhelmed partner will feel resentful.

That’s why in many ways, the traditional one partner outside the home working, one partner inside the home is less complex and seems to work better.

“why am I always getting the flights?..."

Who is paying for them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP. It honestly sounds like your DH takes more initiative than mine-- I'd be thrilled if my spouse took the initiative to book a restaurant or an excursion during a vacation. Usually he will read some stuff online or talk to coworkers who have been to the same place right before we travel and then pass those suggestions along, but the expectation is that I will be the one to figure out logistics.

But we have the same issues with everything needing to be a joint decision even if I'm doing all the legwork, and with him frequently criticizing the stuff I choose (flights, hotels, cars, most meals and activities) but I must be unequivocally supportive if anything he suggested (even when I am the one who had to book it) or he'll say "well nevermind, next time I won't contribute if I'm just going to be criticized.").

I think the problem is that we set the ideal if egalitarian marriage and we made sure women had the tools for it (including the education and ability to make half the money) but we put literally no effort into getting mem the skills to truly do half. Some men have the organizational and communication skills to do what housewives traditionally did, but most don't and there are no social consequences for it. Whereas women face social consequences if they can't or don't do this stuff.

NP yes, this exactly.
Men were not receiving the emotional guidance and organizational/communication coaching in the 80’s, 90’s 2000’s they needed for these marriages to really run smoothly, and now we are discovering it after marriage and kids. The best thing we can do for the next generation is raise our boys with these skills (and drag our husbands along for the ride 😂)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is really hard, and if it feels unfair you start bean counting, “why am I always getting the flights? Why am I always taking the kids to the doctor? Etc etc.

If it feels like too much, the overwhelmed partner will feel resentful.

That’s why in many ways, the traditional one partner outside the home working, one partner inside the home is less complex and seems to work better.

I'm an executive and my spouse is retired, kids grown. Yet I still do much more at home. My spouse's lack of childcare responsibilities or paid or volunteer employment haven't meaningfully lightened my load. He's just lazy and more than willing to let me work my fingers to the bone. He'd rather the bills be paid late, not go on vacation, laundry piling up, than to take over any of those chores. So no, giving up one spouse's income doesn't translate into things being less complex and working better.