BF's relationship with ex-girlfriend

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend was in a long-term relationship that ended 6 years ago because of lack of intimacy. She was going through menopause at that time and no longer wanted to be intimate and he said that they also grew apart in other ways. They remained on friendly terms and he is close to her kids who are young adults. We have been dating for a little over a year now and his ex-girlfriend continues to reach out wanting to meet up with him and at times, sending him messages or she shows up when he meets up with her kids. I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about all of this because it is clear to me that she has not really moved on (she has not dated since they broke up). I trust him and I don't think he has any romantic feelings for her and I know that he loves me a lot. We have a good relationship, great chemistry and many shared interests. I'm thinking that I should probably just let this go and not worry about it, but I can't help my feelings from time to time. He told me that she is lonely, has very few friends and seeks out his companionship.

[Anonymous]

Doubtful her libido has increased post menopause.

[Anonymous]

What is his response when she wants to meet up with him? If the kids are young adults he should be able to have a relationship with them, without her involvement.

[Anonymous]

DH here: if their relationship ended six years ago largely if not entirely due to lack of sex, I think you are on very safe ground to accept that they are just friends and it should not be a worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is his response when she wants to meet up with him? If the kids are young adults he should be able to have a relationship with them, without her involvement.

He does not really want to meet her or even associate with her, but she comes along when he meets with her and his kids. It hasn't happened often though, but over the summer, she reached out with a lie to get him to meet with her. It upset both of us, but he also does not want to strain the relationship with the kids. He recently suggested that I come along to these get-togethers and he has also told her that he has a new girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here: if their relationship ended six years ago largely if not entirely due to lack of sex, I think you are on very safe ground to accept that they are just friends and it should not be a worry.

I sort of agree and I'm trying to just ignore the uncomfortable feeling that I get once in a while. Perhaps I'm just overthinking this. We do have a good and loving relationship and good chemistry and intimacy.

[Anonymous]

I would go. That seems like the right solution here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go. That seems like the right solution here

+1. It's been a year, seems appropriate that he would want to introduce them to his significant other. Next get together I think he should tell the kids you'll be coming along to meet them and hang out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go. That seems like the right solution here

+1. It's been a year, seems appropriate that he would want to introduce them to his significant other. Next get together I think he should tell the kids you'll be coming along to meet them and hang out.

I have already met and hung out with his kids, but I have not yet been introduced to the kids from the ex-girlfriend. They know that he is dating me though. He said that he would tell them that I will be there during the next dinner and they can inform their mom and let her decide if she wants to show up to meet me. I wouldn't mind meeting and getting to know her, but it may be uncomfortable for her as well given how things ended with them.

[Anonymous]

The girlfriend seems very needy. She is using her kids as an excuse -- how old are these kids? If the girlfriend has a true emergency (from a flat tire to something more serious), who is she going to call? Does your boyfriend imagine ever cutting her off/saying NO? This whole dynamic is weird.

[Anonymous]

I think its weird he still hangs out with her kids tbh, but I guess 6 years is a long time that he was in their life.

I think meeting her and seeing them interact might give you some answers. I err on the side of trust and believing your partner, but that doesn't mean you'll always feel safe and secure. If you are feeling insecure about her/them, do you feel like you can talk to him? Sometimes just asking for some reassurance can go a long way, and his reaction when you ask for that is telling too. A kind smile and a hug vs rolling of eyes and getting huffy about having to defend himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The girlfriend seems very needy. She is using her kids as an excuse -- how old are these kids? If the girlfriend has a true emergency (from a flat tire to something more serious), who is she going to call? Does your boyfriend imagine ever cutting her off/saying NO? This whole dynamic is weird.

The 'kids' are in their early 20's (20 and 22). He does not live close to her, but travels in the area a few times a year to visit with his kids (late teens) and other friends. He most definitely does not encourage continued contact with her. She is the one who reaches out.

[Anonymous]

Yuck. This happened to me. The problem is he won’t let go. It’s an emotional affair possibly physical affair.
I’m sorry to say this, but you have to get out of this relationship. And don’t say “ choose” or he will choose her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The girlfriend seems very needy. She is using her kids as an excuse -- how old are these kids? If the girlfriend has a true emergency (from a flat tire to something more serious), who is she going to call? Does your boyfriend imagine ever cutting her off/saying NO? This whole dynamic is weird.

The 'kids' are in their early 20's (20 and 22). He does not live close to her, but travels in the area a few times a year to visit with his kids (late teens) and other friends. He most definitely does not encourage continued contact with her. She is the one who reaches out.

Sure, but by not putting s stop to it, he is just as guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think its weird he still hangs out with her kids tbh, but I guess 6 years is a long time that he was in their life.

I think meeting her and seeing them interact might give you some answers. I err on the side of trust and believing your partner, but that doesn't mean you'll always feel safe and secure. If you are feeling insecure about her/them, do you feel like you can talk to him? Sometimes just asking for some reassurance can go a long way, and his reaction when you ask for that is telling too. A kind smile and a hug vs rolling of eyes and getting huffy about having to defend himself.

I'm very understanding of the role that he played in their lives for many years and I don't mind him having contact with the kids at all. I agree that perhaps by meeting everyone, it would help me understand the dynamic a bit more. I do feel that I can talk to him about my feelings (insecurities) about the situation and he is very understanding and caring. It bothers him as well and he definitely reassures me. I absolutely trust him and feel his love for me, but I also feel that this will be an almost never-ending issue in our lives. Perhaps it would be different if she found a new partner.