Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?

[Anonymous]

Looking for advice on whether to "settle" or try to see if I can find a better match.

I'm a woman in my mid 50s, with grown children. I was widowed in my mid 40s and began dating again at 50. I've been in a relationship with someone for four years now with a man a few years older than me, and we started living together three years ago. Our relationship started out strong but over time has weakened. Hes nice, funny, and loyal, but he doesn't offer much in terms of emotional connection. On weekends he likes to watch sports and he spends a lot of time on the couch doing that. I like talking about books and current events and he's not into that. We have fun together but it's superficial.

Our relationship is pleasant but he's not the soulmate that I hoped to spend the rest of my life with. I think a lot about the deep conversations and talking for hours that I had with my late husband, and I wonder if I could find that again.

If I were i younger, I think I could have a chance of finding that. But in my mid 50s, the dating pool is very small and the options are so limited. The men I know in this age group who are single have major baggage or issues.

Is the wise decision to give up on the soulmate idea and be happy with a so-so relationship that is more about easy companionship than deep connection? Or risk trying to find that and potentially lose a "good enough" relationship?

[Anonymous]

Book club or someone else who is passionate about books to fill that piece for you?

[Anonymous]

Based on what you wrote, I think you are going to always feel restless and wonder “what else.” That’s not a great place to be and not kind to do to someone else.

[Anonymous]

What are you getting out of this relationship? Doesn’t sound like you are getting much

[Anonymous]

Nice, funny and loyal are great qualities.

What does he say when you express a desire for more emotional closeness?

[Anonymous]

As a woman in her 40s trying to find a partner, please do not give up what you have. it’s seriously impossible to find what you are looking for. The fact that you found someone you can live with is a blessing.

Our partner can’t be our everything. Find others who you can share that side of yourself with. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are you getting out of this relationship? Doesn’t sound like you are getting much

OP here. Companionship and we have a good sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nice, funny and loyal are great qualities.

What does he say when you express a desire for more emotional closeness?

OP here. That he can't do more. It's not his personality to want to talk a lot he doesn't love conversation the way I do.

[Anonymous]

OP - are you doing other interesting things together? Do you travel, bike, hike ?

[Anonymous]

When you start a deeper conversation, does he just not respond?

[Anonymous]

You’re still young, if you’re healthy you have at least 20 years of traveling, learning, enjoying yourself. Other than the sex, I’m not sure what you see in this guy.

You can find love again but it’s going to take a lot of time and effort. Make it a fun adventure and give it your all. I am a firm believer you can make your dreams come true but you do have to focus on them and put in the time and effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you start a deeper conversation, does he just not respond?

He responds but in a light way. He likes to joke about things, which I like too, but with my late husband, there would have been conversation for hours.

[Anonymous]

I’d rather be alone than live with someone with whom I had no emotional connection. I think your mistake was moving in together. You could’ve easily had his companionship, lived separately, and had fewer strings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - are you doing other interesting things together? Do you travel, bike, hike ?

OP - can you please respond to this? Is he a good travel companion, eg likes road trips international travel? Hanging out with friends? If so, would he be able to contribute as equal partner to these activities or you are banking everything - rent, utilities, travel ?
Of it’s just lack of conversations but otherwise I had a companion to do stuff traveling together and he’s contributing to our quality of life in retirement, I would stay in the relationship and fill in the void with book clubs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d rather be alone than live with someone with whom I had no emotional connection. I think your mistake was moving in together. You could’ve easily had his companionship, lived separately, and had fewer strings.

+1 agree. I would untangle myself from the relationship and find the emotional connection and deep conversation you seek. Life is too short to settle for less than what you want.