Stay in mediocre relationship or risk being alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a woman in her 40s trying to find a partner, please do not give up what you have. it’s seriously impossible to find what you are looking for. The fact that you found someone you can live with is a blessing.

Our partner can’t be our everything. Find others who you can share that side of yourself with. Good luck.

This, OP. Only if you would truly be more happy alone is ending things your best choice.

To the extent that you compare all potential and current partners to late DH, perhaps therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I was hoping that my companion for life would give me the deep emotional connection and conversation that I had with my husband.

It's not "the dating world" at 50. It's being 50. Part of you is mature. And oddly part of you is pretty immature ... "deep emotional connection". I doubt your husband would be -now- what you say, if he were right in front of you today.

OP, consider this. Life is not a romance novel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you not love him? I get that there isn’t an intellectual connection but if there isn’t an emotional connection that you are friends with benefits. Sounds like you want more. Why not break up and see what else is out there? YOLO

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are a dime a dozen. Why do you think you would have a problem finding a better match.

Finding a good man is harder

Because the expectations are so high that nobody can reach them. Yet he would be expected to deal with your neuroses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - why are you so not self-sufficient ? You should have own interests - book clubs, concerts friends to go out with. He sounds just like other men to me and not a dud.

I have a lot of friends and actually travel with them twice yearly and have great conversations with them. And my work gives me a lot of intellectual stimulation. But I was hoping that my companion for life would give me the deep emotional connection and conversation that I had with my husband. But given the reality of the dating world in your 50s and above, I question whether I could find that and if I'm just looking for a unicorn. My partner now has a lot of qualities and is good to me.

I'm early 40s and can sooo relate to what you're saying. I am fresh out of a broken engagement and we were sorely lacking in emotional connection. I think he was on the spectrum though. Found myself not looking forward to the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - why are you so not self-sufficient ? You should have own interests - book clubs, concerts friends to go out with. He sounds just like other men to me and not a dud.

I have a lot of friends and actually travel with them twice yearly and have great conversations with them. And my work gives me a lot of intellectual stimulation. But I was hoping that my companion for life would give me the deep emotional connection and conversation that I had with my husband. But given the reality of the dating world in your 50s and above, I question whether I could find that and if I'm just looking for a unicorn. My partner now has a lot of qualities and is good to me.

I'm early 40s and can sooo relate to what you're saying. I am fresh out of a broken engagement and we were sorely lacking in emotional connection. I think he was on the spectrum though. Found myself not looking forward to the future.

Same poster here. To add, I've never encountered this issue before. I have girlfriends and other interests that are fulfilling, but I've always been able to have conversations with my partner that are fulfilling. We talked often about superficial topics. Learning more about him was like pulling teeth. It just left me feeling like a fraud. And I loved him dearly and hoped to make it work. I think his unwillingness did it for me.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you haven't healed from losing your ex

[Anonymous]

Op you are looking for a woman. Join a book club and appreciate the sex and what he brings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you haven't healed from losing your ex

I disagree with this poster. OP, you seem stable, and it's understandable to want a strong emotional connection especially if you know it's possible because you experienced it.

Also for the quoted poster, a dead husband isn't an "ex", and a surviving spouse might not ever "heal." But she can try to live her life after his death. Healing from the death of your spouse might take the rest of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you haven't healed from losing your ex

I disagree with this poster. OP, you seem stable, and it's understandable to want a strong emotional connection especially if you know it's possible because you experienced it.

Also for the quoted poster, a dead husband isn't an "ex", and a surviving spouse might not ever "heal." But she can try to live her life after his death. Healing from the death of your spouse might take the rest of your life.

Regardless - her current BF also deserves to be in relationship with a partner who actually cares about them and isn’t just going through motions.
Let him go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you haven't healed from losing your ex

I disagree with this poster. OP, you seem stable, and it's understandable to want a strong emotional connection especially if you know it's possible because you experienced it.

Also for the quoted poster, a dead husband isn't an "ex", and a surviving spouse might not ever "heal." But she can try to live her life after his death. Healing from the death of your spouse might take the rest of your life.

Regardless - her current BF also deserves to be in relationship with a partner who actually cares about them and isn’t just going through motions.
Let him go

He probably knows how she feels and is just waiting for the serious conversation to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in your position except 10 years younger, and I've decided to stay put. I'm very pessimistic about finding someone better, and I absolutely want a partner (despite being an independent introvert). It is demoralizing to always wonder if I could have found someone more intellectually stimulating, but then I remember how few men I find physically attractive, and they'd have to be attracted to me too, and we'd have to be able to live together compatibly, and it just seems too great a risk to give up what I have.

OP here. This is really similar to how I feel too. The physical side is so important too and that's not easy to find either. I could risk finding someone more emotionally compatible, but without physical connection there's not much of a romantic relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. So sorry for your loss. Widow here too. My husband was not the most emotionally available person, and I do miss his companionship. A few years into the dating scene now in my late 40s, I'm finding the dating pool meager at best. I think the man you are with has some good qualities, but he will not and should not be your everything. If he is decent with travel, companionship, and finances, and he is an overall good guy, I think this is a good relationship. Find the deep conversations with friends and others capable of having them. Accept him for all that he is. Neither of you will likely change much. If you can accept his lack of emotional connection and satisfy your need for emotional connection with friends, ask yourself if the relationship is then sustaining. If not, you know what you should do sooner rather than later.

OP here. Thank you for your sympathy and for your understanding. This is really good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you getting out of this relationship? Doesn’t sound like you are getting much

OP here. Companionship and we have a good sex life.

I would stay in it for the sex
- widow with a 10+year sexless marriage before DH's death

[Anonymous]

I’m 60 and in a similar boat. He makes me laugh and is a good enough company. My soulmate died 10 years ago so this is fine. I get some of what’s missing from other friendships. I doubt I’d find anything better at this point