dementia or just a horrible mom

[Anonymous]

My mom has always been awful. She literally picked a fight with me the day DH and I became parents. We were in a different state completing an adoption and she didn't speak to me for 4 months.

She is now in a skilled nursing facility and is saying horrible things. I get this happens with dementia. but her baseline is also just not a fit parent. How do you deal with people saying "oh it's the dementia, blah blah blah"

[Anonymous]

Normal with dementia, nothing you can do about it sadly, its worse with someone who was nasty before.

Congrats on the adoption.

[Anonymous]

You don’t deal with people saying anything. You deal with your family member that has dementia. You choose to be there for her or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t deal with people saying anything. You deal with your family member that has dementia. You choose to be there for her or not.

This

[Anonymous]

It can be both.

You might as well let the staff think that it's just the dementia talking. They have such an insanely tough job. If it helps them to not take things personally, let them have that mindset.

But I agree with the PPs that the fact that she was a terrible person to you your whole life only affects you and your choices. You have no obligation to take care of an abuser.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with PP. I plan on letting the staff at my mother's facility know she was always like this. Always was racist and hates other women. It's nuts. Not giving her a pass now that she's old. Nope. You reap what you sow. I'll also be donating half our inheritance from her to a HBCU for a scholarship in my parents' names. They would hate that more than anything in the world. And yes I will tell them that's what I'm doing once they aren't able to change the will. I've thought of this since high school. Other half of their money will go to support abortion rights. Can't wait. I will feel some justice after a lifetime of witnessing their despicable treatment of other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with PP. I plan on letting the staff at my mother's facility know she was always like this. Always was racist and hates other women. It's nuts. Not giving her a pass now that she's old. Nope. You reap what you sow. I'll also be donating half our inheritance from her to a HBCU for a scholarship in my parents' names. They would hate that more than anything in the world. And yes I will tell them that's what I'm doing once they aren't able to change the will. I've thought of this since high school. Other half of their money will go to support abortion rights. Can't wait. I will feel some justice after a lifetime of witnessing their despicable treatment of other people.

Although I can empathize with some of your feelings, what you are doing is becoming your mother. She is now a vulnerable person, and you are using your power to harm her. You don't have to help her, but vengeance is not healthy or right. Your parents probably hurt you because they were damaged. Now you are damaged and striking out. It's ok to walk away, but it's not ok to actively harm your mom. Making those donations is a wonderful thing, but telling them about it with the intent of causing distress is not.

Do you really want to be this kind of person?

[Anonymous]

After a lifetime of abuse, and decades of therapy, yes I do. I want their money going to good causes and I want them knowing that their outdated racist behavior isn't acceptable. And yes, I want to be someone who doesn't make excuses for racism. Growing up in the deep south, I saw and heard awful things. My backwards family still uses the N word like it's no big deal. I do believe in justice, even if it takes a lifetime to get it. If you were raised by mentally healthy, loving, non-rascist people, I have no doubt my experience seems extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After a lifetime of abuse, and decades of therapy, yes I do. I want their money going to good causes and I want them knowing that their outdated racist behavior isn't acceptable. And yes, I want to be someone who doesn't make excuses for racism. Growing up in the deep south, I saw and heard awful things. My backwards family still uses the N word like it's no big deal. I do believe in justice, even if it takes a lifetime to get it. If you were raised by mentally healthy, loving, non-rascist people, I have no doubt my experience seems extreme.

Your mom has dementia. She is not going to learn or deliver justice. My parents were most definitely not mentally healthy, and while they weren't racist, I have lived in the deep south and experienced in-laws, etc. with horrific racist beliefs. None of what you are doing is healthy for you or anyone else. You are being abusive to a vulnerable person, even if that vulnerable person was terrible to you. Walk away. Do all the good things you want with that money. Don't emulate your parents' behavior. It will hurt you in the end.

[Anonymous]

My mother doesn't have dementia. She's only 75 and lives independently at her multimillion dollar home. She's not at all vulnerable. Just mean and abusive. Giving her money away to good causes will help other people and won't hurt her one bit once she's dead. When she eventually needs help at home, she will need hired help, who will mostly be POC where she lives. She will berate them a d treat them limb crap, not because of dementia or old age, but because she's a mean racist. I could lie to her aides and blame it on nonexistent dementia, or say, "Well, that's just how she's always been." I'm not going to lie for her to cover up her sins. She will be well cared for and her only suffering will be what she brings on herself.

Some of you have either never seen real racism or else really are looking for ways to justify gross bigotry. Oooops....I think I just figured it out. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Anonymous]

PP, i’m sorry your mother was racist and your parents are horrible. But you don’t need to insult people on this thread. You sound very impassioned and I hope you are getting therapy to help you live your best life. I love your plan of doing good things with their money, I won’t comment one way or the other about your hope to have them out before they die.

OP, I know what you mean and as far as family and friends, I would be honest. For staff, I would not be at the end of the day. I want them to give care to my parent. That’s care that I don’t have to give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother doesn't have dementia. She's only 75 and lives independently at her multimillion dollar home. She's not at all vulnerable. Just mean and abusive. Giving her money away to good causes will help other people and won't hurt her one bit once she's dead. When she eventually needs help at home, she will need hired help, who will mostly be POC where she lives. She will berate them a d treat them limb crap, not because of dementia or old age, but because she's a mean racist. I could lie to her aides and blame it on nonexistent dementia, or say, "Well, that's just how she's always been." I'm not going to lie for her to cover up her sins. She will be well cared for and her only suffering will be what she brings on herself.

Some of you have either never seen real racism or else really are looking for ways to justify gross bigotry. Oooops....I think I just figured it out. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I thought you were OP. In your initial response you stated you would tell staff at your mother’s facility that she was a terrible person, so it’s a bit confusing.

In any case, you might want to consider that others experience racism outside of the south, and outside of the US. This isn’t an issue that you have exclusive ownership of. I encouraged you to give money to HBCUs and other organizations that benefit AA people. I just discouraged you from torturing an old woman who you seems to indicate what is in a facility with dementia. None of that makes me racist.

[Anonymous]

My apologies about my vague first post. I was thinking in general when she needs help in the next 8 or so years. I tried to summarize and did so inartfully. However, I did not suggest torturing her anywhere. I simply won't lie to cover up for her. Do you honestly think I should? How is that torturing her? I say none of this to her now. She has no idea I feel like this. It would be much easier to cut her off completely, but I don't because I don't want to be cruel.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if I tried to post earlier and it got deleted or I never posted. OP, I am sorry you have dealt with this for so long. I have the same dilemma-dementia or just mean with less filter. In the end I decided it doesn't matter. I figured out my boundaries, make sure she gets good care, and try to give input so she is properly medicated (otherwise would be abusive to staff). I don't need the staff to know she always had a mean streak, but my mom may not have been as bad as yours. I just need them to do their job in an abuse free environment. None of them should have to deal with what I dealt with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My apologies about my vague first post. I was thinking in general when she needs help in the next 8 or so years. I tried to summarize and did so inartfully. However, I did not suggest torturing her anywhere. I simply won't lie to cover up for her. Do you honestly think I should? How is that torturing her? I say none of this to her now. She has no idea I feel like this. It would be much easier to cut her off completely, but I don't because I don't want to be cruel.

Thanks for cleaning that up. You wrote about making sure her carers would know what a terrible person she was. This has the potential to negatively impact her care. You also wrote that you would wait until she was unable to change her estate- and it was framed to suggest that this would be in early dementia- and then tell her your plans with the intention of causing pain.

I’m not a fan of your mother, but I believe in these situations you walk away or if you remain involved, you treat them as vulnerable people should be treated. No matter how awful they’ve been.

My father is a cut off person. He has caused so much pain to his mother, sister, brother, wives, others, and now me. He was abusive, but also my primary parent and life was a series of terrible secrets and wonderful things we could talk about. Following his final marriage he began to freeze me out culminating in asking for DNA evidence of paternity. And he cut me and my children off. I can’t put the pain into words. Now he has Alzheimer’s. He wants to communicate with me. I chose to do it. But I can’t ever have resolution, I can’t call him to account. Because now he is the vulnerable person and I am the responsible adult. I may choose to walk away at some point, but in no circumstance will I deliberately inflict pain or harm on him.