dementia or just a horrible mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with PP. I plan on letting the staff at my mother's facility know she was always like this. Always was racist and hates other women. It's nuts. Not giving her a pass now that she's old. Nope. You reap what you sow. I'll also be donating half our inheritance from her to a HBCU for a scholarship in my parents' names. They would hate that more than anything in the world. And yes I will tell them that's what I'm doing once they aren't able to change the will. I've thought of this since high school. Other half of their money will go to support abortion rights. Can't wait. I will feel some justice after a lifetime of witnessing their despicable treatment of other people.

Although I can empathize with some of your feelings, what you are doing is becoming your mother. She is now a vulnerable person, and you are using your power to harm her. You don't have to help her, but vengeance is not healthy or right. Your parents probably hurt you because they were damaged. Now you are damaged and striking out. It's ok to walk away, but it's not ok to actively harm your mom. Making those donations is a wonderful thing, but telling them about it with the intent of causing distress is not.

Do you really want to be this kind of person?

I am all for donating their money to good causes. I think it's fine to donate to places that support minorities and equality knowing that they would hate it. I'm not above a dig like that when it comes to racism and bigotry.

But don't drag the staff at her nursing home into your dumpster fire of family relationships. There is no need to burden them more than they already are - earning peanuts for doing one of the hardest jobs on earth. They don't need to hear about your family's baggage in addition to wiping arses and listening to verbal abuse. Let them do their job in what minuscule peace they can scrape up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After a lifetime of abuse, and decades of therapy, yes I do. I want their money going to good causes and I want them knowing that their outdated racist behavior isn't acceptable. And yes, I want to be someone who doesn't make excuses for racism. Growing up in the deep south, I saw and heard awful things. My backwards family still uses the N word like it's no big deal. I do believe in justice, even if it takes a lifetime to get it. If you were raised by mentally healthy, loving, non-rascist people, I have no doubt my experience seems extreme.

Good for you!!

[Anonymous]

Nobody needs to hear about your family baggage. Your job is to provide or make sure staff provides a good care for your mom and that's all. You're incredibly naive and/or stupid with your racist comments, most likely due to inexperience that your upbringing provided. You need to tell her what you really think so that she can give money to causes she cares about. You use your own money for your causes and better yet -- open your own home to the very different people that you seem to care about. Otherwise you're like the Martha's Vineyard folks who support diversity, but not in their own backyard, and got the POC shipped out within 24 h. I welcome you to invite someone from a very different background than you to live with you right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After a lifetime of abuse, and decades of therapy, yes I do. I want their money going to good causes and I want them knowing that their outdated racist behavior isn't acceptable. /quote]
How would they know if dead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After a lifetime of abuse, and decades of therapy, yes I do. I want their money going to good causes and I want them knowing that their outdated racist behavior isn't acceptable. And yes, I want to be someone who doesn't make excuses for racism. Growing up in the deep south, I saw and heard awful things. My backwards family still uses the N word like it's no big deal. I do believe in justice, even if it takes a lifetime to get it. If you were raised by mentally healthy, loving, non-rascist people, I have no doubt my experience seems extreme.

So you're going to burden the nursing staff because you need a therapist to unload on? They've seen it all, your issue is nothing. Go see a therapist, don't unload your issues to the staff as if you have to apologize, for what? And don't visit your mom in the nursing facility. Solved.

[Anonymous]

You're not looking after her so why is it important. I find people try to justify why they ignore elderly parents by going on about the past and how they were always bad people. It's just a way of rationalizing why you don't want to visit never mind get that involved.

[Anonymous]

Don’t burden the staff. Please. Their jobs are hard enough without your emotional baggage. How will they feel doing their difficult job knowing the person they’re caring for has a history of racism and nastiness?