Difficult sibling sucks the air out of the room

[Anonymous]

TLDR- difficult sister makes my parents’ life difficult and it seems there’s nothing I can do.

I’m very close to my parents. We live nearby them and we both help each other often. I don’t rely on them for childcare or need their help. I cook dinner for my parents weekly, we help them extensively with their home improvement projects, get them tickets to all kid activities and include them anytime they’d like. My mom and I really get along well and like crafting and shopping together.

I was the older child and I had an incredibly difficult little sister. She was prettier and smarter than me, demanding, argumentative and can be vicious. My parents and I walk on eggshells around her. I don’t engage and generally just smile and say hi. The most benign conversations with her turn into her screaming or hitting me, so I don’t try. I have a lot of anxiety about this and grew up to be a people pleaser, which I hate. Looking back over my childhood, everyone just loved my sister and they still talk about her.

The thing that bothers me is that when she is around, my parents drop me instantly. At holiday dinners (which I host!) my parents will suck up to her and spend the entire night trying to be nice to her. I feel like the Little Red Hen doing all the daily work and then she sweeps in and gets holiday attention. Occasionally she comes on vacations and the entire vacation becomes her wants and needs. Everyone, including my very young children, better go along with it. She has no patience with kids even though mine are pretty well behaved (like she brought my toddler a juice and he started whining he wanted the other juice. So she poured it out in front of him and walked away)

I know in my mind that my parents are just trying to have a good relationship with her. I have backed out of plans that I know she’s attending, but my parents are very hurt by that too. And I’m just over here trying to manage everyone’s emotions and wishing everyone got along.

If anyone has some insight, I’d love to hear it. My life is so wonderful otherwise. Should I just cut her out of my life? Should I just suck it up? Should I just have a screaming match with her to clear the air? No choice is great.

[Anonymous]

Just get therapy. You are giving this way too much of your mental energy. You cant change the situation so need to learn to accept it and act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

You say your kids are well behaved but then talk about your toddler whining. In our home whining is completely unacceptable. What she did was wasteful but we wouldn’t hesitate to take away his juice and say “children who whine get nothing “.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say your kids are well behaved but then talk about your toddler whining. In our home whining is completely unacceptable. What she did was wasteful but we wouldn’t hesitate to take away his juice and say “children who whine get nothing “.

Whoosh. Also you’re doing that wrong. You gently say, “I can’t hear you when you use that tone of voice.” And on a holiday where an overstimulated toddler who is probably missing a nap is struggling you cut them a break or get their parent.

OP, I second therapy for you. It sounds like the family dynamic is unhealthy and you’re stuck in a role that is miserable. I think a therapist could help you figure out what you want, what’s realistic, and how to set boundaries that work for you. Don’t have a screaming match and accept that it’s unlikely that your sister and parents wil change. Focus on what you can control- your own choices and behavior. Whatever you decide it’s probably going to result in some pushback from your parents. They are not going to like it when you start saying no to some things. A good therapist can help you plan for how to deal with that as well.

[Anonymous]

Figure out what boundaries you want to set and do it. No need to spend your vacation time with someone you don't enjoy spending time with. Stop hosting the big family dinners. Figure out a new tradition that works better for you, like everyone shares in having the meal catered at your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say your kids are well behaved but then talk about your toddler whining. In our home whining is completely unacceptable. What she did was wasteful but we wouldn’t hesitate to take away his juice and say “children who whine get nothing “.

Whoosh. Also you’re doing that wrong. You gently say, “I can’t hear you when you use that tone of voice.” And on a holiday where an overstimulated toddler who is probably missing a nap is struggling you cut them a break or get their parent.

OP, I second therapy for you. It sounds like the family dynamic is unhealthy and you’re stuck in a role that is miserable. I think a therapist could help you figure out what you want, what’s realistic, and how to set boundaries that work for you. Don’t have a screaming match and accept that it’s unlikely that your sister and parents wil change. Focus on what you can control- your own choices and behavior. Whatever you decide it’s probably going to result in some pushback from your parents. They are not going to like it when you start saying no to some things. A good therapist can help you plan for how to deal with that as well.

Well we’re not doing it wrong, because our kids don’t whine. And we don’t okie to our kids by saying we can’t hear them. We’re not deaf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TLDR- difficult sister makes my parents’ life difficult and it seems there’s nothing I can do.

I’m very close to my parents. We live nearby them and we both help each other often. I don’t rely on them for childcare or need their help. I cook dinner for my parents weekly, we help them extensively with their home improvement projects, get them tickets to all kid activities and include them anytime they’d like. My mom and I really get along well and like crafting and shopping together.

I was the older child and I had an incredibly difficult little sister. She was prettier and smarter than me, demanding, argumentative and can be vicious. My parents and I walk on eggshells around her. I don’t engage and generally just smile and say hi. The most benign conversations with her turn into her screaming or hitting me, so I don’t try. I have a lot of anxiety about this and grew up to be a people pleaser, which I hate. Looking back over my childhood, everyone just loved my sister and they still talk about her.

The thing that bothers me is that when she is around, my parents drop me instantly. At holiday dinners (which I host!) my parents will suck up to her and spend the entire night trying to be nice to her. I feel like the Little Red Hen doing all the daily work and then she sweeps in and gets holiday attention. Occasionally she comes on vacations and the entire vacation becomes her wants and needs. Everyone, including my very young children, better go along with it. She has no patience with kids even though mine are pretty well behaved (like she brought my toddler a juice and he started whining he wanted the other juice. So she poured it out in front of him and walked away)

I know in my mind that my parents are just trying to have a good relationship with her. I have backed out of plans that I know she’s attending, but my parents are very hurt by that too. And I’m just over here trying to manage everyone’s emotions and wishing everyone got along.

If anyone has some insight, I’d love to hear it. My life is so wonderful otherwise. Should I just cut her out of my life? Should I just suck it up? Should I just have a screaming match with her to clear the air? No choice is great.

Why would you start your post with tldr? Do you not know what that means?

[Anonymous]

Your sister isn't going to change. Your parents have made their choice. You need to figure out how to live with it differently. Avoiding her and them isn't bringing you any peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say your kids are well behaved but then talk about your toddler whining. In our home whining is completely unacceptable. What she did was wasteful but we wouldn’t hesitate to take away his juice and say “children who whine get nothing “.

You're a jerk.

Op I'd do some holidays separately from your family. You need space and you aren't going to change your parents.

[Anonymous]

She sounds mentally ill. That’s very difficult to wrangle. Therapy seems like a good idea to help you figure out boundaries, which for one thing will help you preserve your relationship with your parents. And do not feel bad about your parents being hurt if you decline to join things when your sister is there. Do your parents acknowledge how difficult she can be? Or do they just pretend she’s great, even when she—a grown woman—is screaming at you or others?

[Anonymous]

I get it. I have a bipolar/delusional brother and that’s an understatement. Growing up, he was the genius and wunderkind. In his 20s the failures and delusions began to pile up. My parents ignored it while bailing him out financially every time. And when arguments turned violent they always blamed me. Walking on eggshells and agreeing with everything was the only way. He moved out of the country with our aging father. After dad passed, things have gradually gotten much better between us. His mental illness is cyclical and he’s in a better space now, but still denies or can’t remember his delusional and psychotic episodes. He’ll just hang up on me if I bring it up . He also blames ME for his failures.

If you want to do better than me, I’d recommend cutting her out of your life. Avoid all interactions. Tell your kids why you’re doing it and protect them from her.

I wish I was capable of doing that. My brother and I used to be very close before his problems, and I can’t bear to think of never having him in my life. I hold out hope that his mental state and life can continue to improve. But to tell you honestly, my life has been better when I was able to not have to deal with him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I second therapy for you. It sounds like the family dynamic is unhealthy and you’re stuck in a role that is miserable. I think a therapist could help you figure out what you want, what’s realistic, and how to set boundaries that work for you. Don’t have a screaming match and accept that it’s unlikely that your sister and parents wil change. Focus on what you can control- your own choices and behavior. Whatever you decide it’s probably going to result in some pushback from your parents. They are not going to like it when you start saying no to some things. A good therapist can help you plan for how to deal with that as well.

This is good advice IMO. You need to be able to figure out what YOU really want given the dynamic. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, continue as is or cut them off. But figuring out what your feelings, wants, and limits are is critical, and IME therapy is really helpful for that.

The fact that you say she screams and hits you when she is angry adds an extra layer—your kids are witnessing this behavior, and you need to think about how you feel about exposing them to such behavior. You are accepting this behavior from her, but would you accept it from anyone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say your kids are well behaved but then talk about your toddler whining. In our home whining is completely unacceptable. What she did was wasteful but we wouldn’t hesitate to take away his juice and say “children who whine get nothing “.

You are awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds mentally ill. That’s very difficult to wrangle. Therapy seems like a good idea to help you figure out boundaries, which for one thing will help you preserve your relationship with your parents. And do not feel bad about your parents being hurt if you decline to join things when your sister is there. Do your parents acknowledge how difficult she can be? Or do they just pretend she’s great, even when she—a grown woman—is screaming at you or others?

She screams at you and hits you. If anyone hit me, I’d be calling the police and charging them with assault. Why do you put up with this? I certainly wouldn’t subject my kids to her and I would not go on a vacation with her. Stop hosting holidays. Do it separately with your parents if they insist on being with abusive sister on the actual holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Figure out what boundaries you want to set and do it. No need to spend your vacation time with someone you don't enjoy spending time with. Stop hosting the big family dinners. Figure out a new tradition that works better for you, like everyone shares in having the meal catered at your parents.

This. You have to accept your parents choice to baby her, but have boundaries around what you will do. If you feel unappreciated cooking for holidays order food, go to a restaurant or let someone else cook. Don’t choose a stressful situation for vacations.

Also beware of b/w thinking. You parents are choosing to enable and play favorites. This isn’t all on your sister.