Difficult sibling sucks the air out of the room

[Anonymous]

I sympathize, OP. I have a difficult younger brother who--as you nicely put it--sucks all the air out of the room. My parents have catered to his extreme anxiety and anger management issues and walked on eggshells around him for years. You never know what is going to set him off into a rage spiral... could be the most benign of comments. I walked on eggshells for years too. Then I decided to not do that anymore. I accepted--with the help of therapy--that I was not in a position to change his behavior, and that I couldn't stop my parents from continuing to enable him and to hobble him turning into a functioning independent adult. They've allowed him to treat them like a doormat and his crappy behavior is endlessly rationalized and excused because of "anxiety." All I could do is set my own boundaries and determine what I was willing to put up with.

This has worked well for me. Unfortunately it had negatively affected my relationship with my parents (my dad passed away last year); my folks were mystified as to why my relationship with my brother is strained. My mom continues to be baffled as to why I won't be more accommodating. But there is nothing I can do about that. I have made my boundaries very clear to my mom and my brother, and I don't allow them to be crossed. Especially now that I have children.

Therapy can be very helpful in a situation like this, to figure out what you are comfortable with and how to communicate your boundaries to your family. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My sister screams at me too. When I was kid, she would hit me sometimes. I'd get therapy, OP.

With therapy, I've become a lot better with boundaries and not taking the bait. My sister can be quite charming and also a liar and back stabber.

Your sister probably has a personality disorder like mine does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister screams at me too. When I was kid, she would hit me sometimes. I'd get therapy, OP.

With therapy, I've become a lot better with boundaries and not taking the bait. My sister can be quite charming and also a liar and back stabber.

Your sister probably has a personality disorder like mine does.

I will add that when sister screams at me now, I'll say I can't respond when she uses that tone of voice. Since she doesn't get what she wants, she uses a more normal tone. It's not a perfect situation by any means and takes a lot of energy. If I didn't have to talk to her about parent care, I would have much less contact than I do now.

[Anonymous]

I’d stop hosting family holiday gatherings. Instead - drop by for dessert on the holiday to keep up with the family but skip the drama.

Skip family vacations. That just sounds like a disaster.

No need for any big proclamations or anything. Just slowly back away. Maintain a cordial but distant relationship.

Continue to include your parents in dinners and kids activities. Skip things where you are exposed to your sister for prolonged times.