16 DS wants to try alcohol

[Anonymous]

DS 16 is a junior. He has a lot of friends and thus, he frequently gets invited to parties. He says there is often alcohol at this parties, sometimes parents serving the drinks. He does not drink (athlete and high-performer at school). But, he mentioned last night he wants to try alcohol, and have a sip or two once in a while at the parties. How would you approach this? We have already discussed the harmful effects of alcohol on teens’ brain, but in his mind, “once a month” would not be bad, and he would not become addicted. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

He’s probably already tried it and is testing the waters to see how you’d react if you found out. It is illegal and I would not allow him to go to parties with alcohol.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a good idea for kids to sample alcohol at home under parental supervision, and NOT in a party setting, if it's accompanied by education on the short-term and long-term deleterious effects of alcohol. We're French and over there you can drink wine and beer if you're 16. In practice, kids are given sips at home no matter the age at family gatherings. Making alcohol a forbidden fruit concept tends to work against you in the long run.

We rarely drink, and my teens and young adults don't really like the taste of alcohol, but know what it is.

[Anonymous]

This is hilarious. He doesn't need your permission to drink at the illegal drunken parties he's going to and "not drinking". You should be focusing the conversation on how dangerous those parties are (possibly including rape), and he should choose to stop going, and host safer parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a good idea for kids to sample alcohol at home under parental supervision, and NOT in a party setting, if it's accompanied by education on the short-term and long-term deleterious effects of alcohol. We're French and over there you can drink wine and beer if you're 16. In practice, kids are given sips at home no matter the age at family gatherings. Making alcohol a forbidden fruit concept tends to work against you in the long run.

We rarely drink, and my teens and young adults don't really like the taste of alcohol, but know what it is.

+1 DH is European. Teens there drink a lot earlier than here.

We let both DS and DD try a bit at home starting at 16. We started with weaker alcoholic drinks.

If you remove the taboo, they are less likely to do it behind your back in secret.

I will say that one time, DS was going through a rough period at the end of junior year. I found several bottles of the hard cider we had bought for him to try in his room. We had a long talk with him about not using alcohol as a crutch when things get tough. He's a straight A student from a magnet program (rough period wasn't about academics, nor do we push him about it). I'd rather they learn things the hard way at home, than when they are away at college where we cannot be there to support them.

He's now in college, and he tells us that he drinks at parties, and yes, he's gotten drunk. BTW, he's still a straight A student now a junior in college, dual majoring in CS/math. I don't think he parties hard every weekend.

I am not a drinker; I don't like that he gets drunk, but there is no way I can stop them when they are at college. So, at the least, we can teach them to drink responsibly and know their limits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a good idea for kids to sample alcohol at home under parental supervision, and NOT in a party setting, if it's accompanied by education on the short-term and long-term deleterious effects of alcohol. We're French and over there you can drink wine and beer if you're 16. In practice, kids are given sips at home no matter the age at family gatherings. Making alcohol a forbidden fruit concept tends to work against you in the long run.

We rarely drink, and my teens and young adults don't really like the taste of alcohol, but know what it is.

Me again, refining my thinking a bit. I realize my family has never hyped alcohol as a coping mechanism for stress, or celebratory obligation.
Perhaps the way parents and role models frame alcohol is the biggest predictor of how kids perceive it. Don't say, at the end of a particularly difficult day, "Well now Mommy needs her wine!" or approximations thereof. Don't suggest that a party isn't a party if there's no alcohol, like many on this site do. It sets up your children to fail at moderation.

And if there's alcoholism in your kids' close relatives, then obviously the conversation needs to center around that. There is an association between untreated ADHD and addictions of all kinds, because patients attempt to self-medicate their symptoms. If your kid has ADHD, like one of mine does, they are more at risk for addictive behaviors. Medically supervised use of their medication will dampen the need for non-prescription drugs and alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a good idea for kids to sample alcohol at home under parental supervision, and NOT in a party setting, if it's accompanied by education on the short-term and long-term deleterious effects of alcohol. We're French and over there you can drink wine and beer if you're 16. In practice, kids are given sips at home no matter the age at family gatherings. Making alcohol a forbidden fruit concept tends to work against you in the long run.

We rarely drink, and my teens and young adults don't really like the taste of alcohol, but know what it is.

+1 DH is European. Teens there drink a lot earlier than here.

We let both DS and DD try a bit at home starting at 16. We started with weaker alcoholic drinks.

If you remove the taboo, they are less likely to do it behind your back in secret.

I will say that one time, DS was going through a rough period at the end of junior year. I found several bottles of the hard cider we had bought for him to try in his room. We had a long talk with him about not using alcohol as a crutch when things get tough. He's a straight A student from a magnet program (rough period wasn't about academics, nor do we push him about it). I'd rather they learn things the hard way at home, than when they are away at college where we cannot be there to support them.

He's now in college, and he tells us that he drinks at parties, and yes, he's gotten drunk. BTW, he's still a straight A student now a junior in college, dual majoring in CS/math. I don't think he parties hard every weekend.

I am not a drinker; I don't like that he gets drunk, but there is no way I can stop them when they are at college. So, at the least, we can teach them to drink responsibly and know their limits.

Studies have actually shown that kids who are exposed to alcohol before legal age have a higher trial of developing alcoholism. Why would you want to remove the taboo? Nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is hilarious. He doesn't need your permission to drink at the illegal drunken parties he's going to and "not drinking". You should be focusing the conversation on how dangerous those parties are (possibly including rape), and he should choose to stop going, and host safer parties.

This. By 16 I was getting totally hammered at high school parties. Freshman are doing this too fyi. See the death and dui on Harrison thread.

[Anonymous]

Having grown up in Germany where you can legally drink beer and wine at age 16 (hard alcohol at 18), and having observed the drinking practices of US teens, I think there is pretty good evidence that the prohibition until 21 only leads to more binge drinking.

Who knows what your son is already doing, but having a beer at age 16 is not going to kill him. It sounds like he is a responsible kid and won't go overboard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a good idea for kids to sample alcohol at home under parental supervision, and NOT in a party setting, if it's accompanied by education on the short-term and long-term deleterious effects of alcohol. We're French and over there you can drink wine and beer if you're 16. In practice, kids are given sips at home no matter the age at family gatherings. Making alcohol a forbidden fruit concept tends to work against you in the long run.

We rarely drink, and my teens and young adults don't really like the taste of alcohol, but know what it is.

+1 DH is European. Teens there drink a lot earlier than here.

We let both DS and DD try a bit at home starting at 16. We started with weaker alcoholic drinks.

If you remove the taboo, they are less likely to do it behind your back in secret.

I will say that one time, DS was going through a rough period at the end of junior year. I found several bottles of the hard cider we had bought for him to try in his room. We had a long talk with him about not using alcohol as a crutch when things get tough. He's a straight A student from a magnet program (rough period wasn't about academics, nor do we push him about it). I'd rather they learn things the hard way at home, than when they are away at college where we cannot be there to support them.

He's now in college, and he tells us that he drinks at parties, and yes, he's gotten drunk. BTW, he's still a straight A student now a junior in college, dual majoring in CS/math. I don't think he parties hard every weekend.

I am not a drinker; I don't like that he gets drunk, but there is no way I can stop them when they are at college. So, at the least, we can teach them to drink responsibly and know their limits.

Studies have actually shown that kids who are exposed to alcohol before legal age have a higher trial of developing alcoholism. Why would you want to remove the taboo? Nuts.

Do you really think that just because you restrict your kid from alcohol in the house that they won't try it out of the house?

My parents are very conservative; my mother never drank. Guess what? I tried alcohol as a teen at parties. Never got drunk, but I tried it. Same for my siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s probably already tried it and is testing the waters to see how you’d react if you found out. It is illegal and I would not allow him to go to parties with alcohol.

That's sort of like telling your kids not to have sex, without providing any context or further education. Risky. Your kid will end up at a party where alcohol is being served before they're of age. It's 100% certain, because that's what college kids do, and plenty of high schoolers. Not preparing your child for those is negligent, in my opinion. You want to dissociate the "fun" from the alcohol, and have your kids taste a little at home, on a very boring day. And continually reinforce how dangerous it is to drink too much, to never drive after drinking, and never get into a car with a driver who has had drinks. My son's high school lost 4 kids one year to drunk driving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a good idea for kids to sample alcohol at home under parental supervision, and NOT in a party setting, if it's accompanied by education on the short-term and long-term deleterious effects of alcohol. We're French and over there you can drink wine and beer if you're 16. In practice, kids are given sips at home no matter the age at family gatherings. Making alcohol a forbidden fruit concept tends to work against you in the long run.

We rarely drink, and my teens and young adults don't really like the taste of alcohol, but know what it is.

+1 DH is European. Teens there drink a lot earlier than here.

We let both DS and DD try a bit at home starting at 16. We started with weaker alcoholic drinks.

If you remove the taboo, they are less likely to do it behind your back in secret.

I will say that one time, DS was going through a rough period at the end of junior year. I found several bottles of the hard cider we had bought for him to try in his room. We had a long talk with him about not using alcohol as a crutch when things get tough. He's a straight A student from a magnet program (rough period wasn't about academics, nor do we push him about it). I'd rather they learn things the hard way at home, than when they are away at college where we cannot be there to support them.

He's now in college, and he tells us that he drinks at parties, and yes, he's gotten drunk. BTW, he's still a straight A student now a junior in college, dual majoring in CS/math. I don't think he parties hard every weekend.

I am not a drinker; I don't like that he gets drunk, but there is no way I can stop them when they are at college. So, at the least, we can teach them to drink responsibly and know their limits.

Studies have actually shown that kids who are exposed to alcohol before legal age have a higher trial of developing alcoholism. Why would you want to remove the taboo? Nuts.

Those studies do not differentiate between exposure as a result of negligent parenting (families having parties with alcohol and modeling poor self control), and the very deliberate, thoughtful introduction of alcohol outside of a party atmosphere to educate one's children.

Huge difference.

[Anonymous]

It’s against the law. Period.
No more parties and feel free to report the parents serving. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a good idea for kids to sample alcohol at home under parental supervision, and NOT in a party setting, if it's accompanied by education on the short-term and long-term deleterious effects of alcohol. We're French and over there you can drink wine and beer if you're 16. In practice, kids are given sips at home no matter the age at family gatherings. Making alcohol a forbidden fruit concept tends to work against you in the long run.

We rarely drink, and my teens and young adults don't really like the taste of alcohol, but know what it is.

+1

I’m not French, but I was always welcome to try alcohol with my parents. Granted, they weren’t really drinkers, but my mom occasionally had a margarita or sangria and my grandparents usually had alcohol on hand (wine, beer, cold duck, etc. - once they gave me apricot brandy to clear out my sinuses), especially during the holidays. Having the occasional sip from a young age, long before any cool factor entered the equation, led me to conclude that I just didn’t like it. Every once in a while, I’d try it again, only to realize that it really was as wretched as I remembered. As an adult, I have very rarely drunk anything.

My (grown) kids were raised the same way. Although I didn’t drink, DH did, so the kids had alcohol accessible when they wanted to try it, which was rare, because they didn’t like it. I wouldn’t be surprised if they drank a little in college or even occasionally as an adult, but I don’t think either would want to drink excessively, because they just don’t like it.

OP’s son is old enough that he may be influenced by thinking alcohol is cool, but since he wants to try it, I think it would be much better for him to try it in moderate amounts rather than at sone party. Even if the parents somehow manage to discourage him from drinking at a high school party (which is doubtful), I guarantee that if he wants to drink he’ll drink in a couple of years at college, regardless.

Whatever you decide to do regarding drinking, OP, please stress for him to never get in a car driven by anyone who has been drinking (including himself), even if it “wasn’t that much” and they think they’re fine. Offer to provide transportation (drive or pay for UBER/taxi) for him and any friends, no recriminations, you just want to make sure everyone gets home safely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a good idea for kids to sample alcohol at home under parental supervision, and NOT in a party setting, if it's accompanied by education on the short-term and long-term deleterious effects of alcohol. We're French and over there you can drink wine and beer if you're 16. In practice, kids are given sips at home no matter the age at family gatherings. Making alcohol a forbidden fruit concept tends to work against you in the long run.

We rarely drink, and my teens and young adults don't really like the taste of alcohol, but know what it is.

+1 DH is European. Teens there drink a lot earlier than here.

We let both DS and DD try a bit at home starting at 16. We started with weaker alcoholic drinks.

If you remove the taboo, they are less likely to do it behind your back in secret.

I will say that one time, DS was going through a rough period at the end of junior year. I found several bottles of the hard cider we had bought for him to try in his room. We had a long talk with him about not using alcohol as a crutch when things get tough. He's a straight A student from a magnet program (rough period wasn't about academics, nor do we push him about it). I'd rather they learn things the hard way at home, than when they are away at college where we cannot be there to support them.

He's now in college, and he tells us that he drinks at parties, and yes, he's gotten drunk. BTW, he's still a straight A student now a junior in college, dual majoring in CS/math. I don't think he parties hard every weekend.

I am not a drinker; I don't like that he gets drunk, but there is no way I can stop them when they are at college. So, at the least, we can teach them to drink responsibly and know their limits.

Studies have actually shown that kids who are exposed to alcohol before legal age have a higher trial of developing alcoholism. Why would you want to remove
the taboo? Nuts.

Link to a study?