Is the grass always greener?

[Anonymous]

I’m 35 and considering whether to stay in a marriage that has become highly transactional, or to initiate a divorce.

I have two kids in top private schools ages 3 and 6. I’m the primary caregiver and the kids go days/weeks at times without seeing their dad due to work related travel so I don’t think the logistics of a divorce would negatively affect them. What would impact them is the potential financial stress of a divorce.

Only 1 family in our older child’s class is divorced and it seems like a huge social black mark. Happy couples love socializing with other happy couples. On the surface we have been keeping it together, but have both become resentful over time. He has low T so we never have sex, he cheated on me in the past with escorts, couples counseling goes nowhere or is abruptly cancelled when the therapist zeros in on his (somewhat minor) addiction problems. I’ve started sending him texts saying he is a bad example for the kids (not proud of this, but it’s how I feel).

I’m parenting 95% of the time and never have time for socializing. Depression is setting in. I manage real estate on the side along with parenting, but it’s not a fulfilling job and adds to my stress. Husband has encouraged me to interview for a full time role, but says that hiring a nanny would have to come from my earnings (he earns 10x more than what my salary would be) because he’s “stressed” about finances.

I’d love to hear from those who have taken the leap and become divorced (are things better for women on the other side?), or from those who’ve stayed in a marriage of convenience. If the latter, what have you done to make your life more bearable? Do you find a friend with benefits or just mentally (and physically) check out?

[Anonymous]

Always. That's why most divorces happen within 5-10 years after marriage.

People keep second-guessing. That destroys a marriage.

[Anonymous]

I mean - this sounds terrible. What is keeping you in this marriage?

No, the grass is not always greener.

[Anonymous]

You think your DH is a bad example for your children -- and you handle this by sending him texts about it?

Just get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Ok you are me and I'm doing it. He's moving out Nov 1.

Also 35, kids 3 and 6. No divorces in school yet but I figure they'll come at aome point. I'm just ahead of the curve.

Also a history for H cheating, therapy flat lined. Wish we were friends. I'm terrified.

[Anonymous]

Cheating with escorts is a dealbreaker. DTMFA.

Agree that other divorces will hit soon enough in your cohort.

It sounds like you could get reasonable child support.

Get out. Move to a smaller house. Consider public school.

[Anonymous]

It's impossible to know. Women whose romantic/dating life post divorce isn't that great are not going to advertise it. Women are very good at protecting their ego and internalizing their disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's impossible to know. Women whose romantic/dating life post divorce isn't that great are not going to advertise it. Women are very good at protecting their ego and internalizing their disappointment.

+1

[Anonymous]

The nice thing about divorce is all the unpaid labor you’re doing within a marriage becomes paid labor, either through a nanny (good luck with him saying it has to come out of your salary when he makes more!) and through child support.

Yes divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The nice thing about divorce is all the unpaid labor you’re doing within a marriage becomes paid labor, either through a nanny (good luck with him saying it has to come out of your salary when he makes more!) and through child support.

Yes divorce.

This is true. But it depends what you get out of this marriage. If you hate the unpaid labor load, that part will improve as this pp said.

But if you care about social standing, other finances like not spending your money for beauty. Maybe not.

If you care about being with your kids for all holidays agin, that will suck. It depends what you value the most. And sometimes that changes. There is no right answer.

[Anonymous]

Only 1 family in our older child’s class is divorced and it seems like a huge social black mark.

OP say more about this. From your perspective, how is this family’s social standing affected? Is this your perception? Is it a topic of discussion? You say your H travels frequently; are you also socializing with other couples, or are you imagining a social scene that seems great (and may not be)?

[Anonymous]

I think you should stick at it and keep working on things and give it time. I would wait at least three or four more years before taking such a drastic step.

I think it's foolish to think this won't have an impact on your kids.

I would be much less worried about the financial impact than how much it will hurt your kids, even if their dad is away. Still, kids do get over divorce and they could recover.

I would encourage you to give it more time to keep working on it. You have a much better chance of finding a second husband or life partner at your age now than if you wait 15 years until your kids go off to college. But, blended families and balancing dating while parenting is incredibly challenging.

There's no easy solution. Make yourself feel better with the fact that probably half of the married couples around you are the same.

[Anonymous]

He has low T and won’t have sex with you but is cheating with escorts? Between that and the addiction issues, forget it. Yes, the grass actually will be greener on the other side of this for you. Truly wishing you and your kids the best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating with escorts is a dealbreaker. DTMFA.

Agree that other divorces will hit soon enough in your cohort.

It sounds like you could get reasonable child support.

Get out. Move to a smaller house. Consider public school.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stick at it and keep working on things and give it time. I would wait at least three or four more years before taking such a drastic step.

I think it's foolish to think this won't have an impact on your kids.

I would be much less worried about the financial impact than how much it will hurt your kids, even if their dad is away. Still, kids do get over divorce and they could recover.

I would encourage you to give it more time to keep working on it. You have a much better chance of finding a second husband or life partner at your age now than if you wait 15 years until your kids go off to college. But, blended families and balancing dating while parenting is incredibly challenging.

There's no easy solution. Make yourself feel better with the fact that probably half of the married couples around you are the same.

Ugh, what? No, OPs experience is not normal or common, and no, half of all spouses most certainly do not have a history of cheating on their spouse with escorts (not to mention any of the other issues).