Is it okay to cheat in a marriage where you feel you were emotionally abused?

[Anonymous]

My husband has cheated on me a few times in our marriage. He justifies it by saying I deserved it as I was emotionally abusive and treated him poorly. He found it very stressful and demoralizing that I kept asking for him to make more money and plan for our married life. He said I compared him to his more successful friends and yes, I did. I kept using them as examples of what he could do to help us get set up...I thought I was using them as guiding posts he thought I was putting him down.

I was also jealous of our friends who had more money. He would feel bad about himself...After 3 years of this he started cheating on me. This was devastating to me as I loved him so much and I begged for him to not leave me...and here we are still together. I still feel awful about being cheated on but he says I can't hold those over him as it was essentially my fault that he cheated.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are both terrible people.

Why didn't you make more money, instead of abusing him emotionally?

[Anonymous]

The answer to this question is to pursue marriage counseling or leave because your marriage is a toxic waste dump.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t have cheated on you, I would have just left.

[Anonymous]

It’s not your fault he cheated but I cannot imagine living with someone like you and not seeking comfort elsewhere, granted he should’ve put his frustrations into communicating with you but he didn’t.

[Anonymous]

Why are you still married?

You don’t really love him as love includes respect and you have none for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has cheated on me a few times in our marriage. He justifies it by saying I deserved it as I was emotionally abusive and treated him poorly. He found it very stressful and demoralizing that I kept asking for him to make more money and plan for our married life. He said I compared him to his more successful friends and yes, I did. I kept using them as examples of what he could do to help us get set up...I thought I was using them as guiding posts he thought I was putting him down.

I was also jealous of our friends who had more money. He would feel bad about himself...After 3 years of this he started cheating on me. This was devastating to me as I loved him so much and I begged for him to not leave me...and here we are still together. I still feel awful about being cheated on but he says I can't hold those over him as it was essentially my fault that he cheated.

Your faults are yours and his faults are his. Being unhappy isn't a pass for infidelity. If y'all want to stay together, forget who did what and focus on what you can do together and individually to be good partners.

[Anonymous]

In my opinion, people are responsible for their own actions. Your poor behavior can never be a justification for his affair. The opposite view is infantilizing - it suggests grown adults are unable to navigate their own lives and just enact patterns of behavior based on outside stimuli. What a disempowering way to live.

He needs to fully account for his behavior and that is was morally wrong and unjustifiable.

You are also, separately, responsible for your actions. They aren’t nearly as serious in my book but you can admit that they were hurtful and that you can improve your communication and compassion.

[Anonymous]

Women's cheating is always justified airways

[Anonymous]

Your husband cheated by his own choice.

If he was feeling emotionally abused by you + felt unhappy, then it was up to him to figure out a constructive way to deal with it.

Instead he took the easy way out and was untrue to your marriage. 😭

He has only himself to blame as he chose to handle the issue in a very destructive way in the end.

Either you both work on some heavy duty marital therapy or go your separate ways.

Because I imagine your marriage right now (as it is) is absolutely miserable…..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are both terrible people.

Why didn't you make more money, instead of abusing him emotionally?

No, it sounds like DW is terrible. DH simply looked for the affection his wife should have been giving.

[Anonymous]

You both sorely need to improve and be better people.
Get to marriage counseling asap, and tell the counselor you BOTH want to work on being better people and spouses.

Adultery is always wrong.

[Anonymous]

Cheating is never right. But abusing your partner and belittling them isn’t either. Why didn’t you make more money instead of relying on someone else? You need to own your own responsibility in causing strife, and he needs to own his faults in stepping outside the marriage. ESH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my opinion, people are responsible for their own actions. Your poor behavior can never be a justification for his affair. The opposite view is infantilizing - it suggests grown adults are unable to navigate their own lives and just enact patterns of behavior based on outside stimuli. What a disempowering way to live.

He needs to fully account for his behavior and that is was morally wrong and unjustifiable.

You are also, separately, responsible for your actions. They aren’t nearly as serious in my book but you can admit that they were hurtful and that you can improve your communication and compassion.

Were OP’s actions not as serious? According to her, DH had an emotional affair. This could run the gamut from an intense friendship to something like sexting. She, on the other hand, admits she openly showed him contempt and compared him to other people for years on end. Who is worse? Not clear.

[Anonymous]

If you're a cheater, you'll find an excuse for why it's "okay" to cheat and you'll justify cheating.

If you're not a cheater, you'll never cheat, because your integrity matters more than a sense of entitlement to sexual gratification. You'll leave and find an honest relationship elsewhere.

Stop asking stupid variations on the same cheater's theme. Cheaters will always say it's okay, for some stupid reason or another, and the honest people will never agree that it's right to cheat, no matter what the circumstances.

This topic is so stupid.