Really struggling with our coaches
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My kid is in a HS sport and it is a "winning" team and by all counts DC's play and stats are very good. So this is not a "sour grapes" post of my kid not playing, etc.
We've been with these coaches for years (not by choice) and I've never been a huge fan but have never intervened and let DC deal with them. They are capable of teaching the sport at a high level but their interpersonal communication is just horrible. I could give 1000 examples of things they've said/done to the kids, including mine, that is really just sh-- behavior from a coach. They NEVER say anything nice. Are not encouraging. They yell. They punish. They get involved in the kids' arguments and stuff. Many of the parents over the years (even before we were with the team) do not care for them. My DC, as I said, is having a great season and had a couple of games in particular where they absolutely saved the games (per many people) and the stats were off the charts. Recent games, the entire team has played not that great but still won the games. My kid's stats are great just not "as great" compared to the 2 absurdly good games. And the coach said as much to my kid, recently, and it really hurt DC's feelings (DC is pretty thick skinned dealing with these people over the years). DC has absolutely done their part for this team and there is only the focus on the negative (which is not even really that negative) after all these years. I'm obv not going to say anything. So this is part of a vent and this last comment was made after years of non-support, shi---y things said by these coaches (so I'm just at my end). I'm not sure what to say to DC to get them through the end of the season. |
Anonymous
| Is there a question in there |
Anonymous
If I read right, the question is the last sentence. How OP can support DS to the end of the season, because nothing is changing so the situation is what it is. |
Anonymous
Yes. And any commiseration from people who've been there. He knows it is what it is. But it's hard to watch dealing with coaches who are so negative. There's never any positive comments, motivation, etc. I'm just now hearing about some of the things said directly to my kid in years prior (DC hadn't prev told us). And i'm fuming. |
Anonymous
| Why have you stayed as long as you have it if it is this bad? |
Anonymous
This is beside the point. We are here. But to answer, these are the coaches that are there at our school and it is my child's sport (played for years). So unless the sport was given up, there is no way to avoid it. |
Anonymous
| It sucks and I’m basically a full time sports psychologist for my kid because some of his coaches are seriously shit. Just empathizing with you OP. Sucks to see your talented, hard working kid lose their motivation or stumble because grown adults act like children. |
Anonymous
|
I would acknowledge that it’s normal it doesn’t feel great, talk about how coach could have communicated whatever he was trying to say in a different way (like “let’s see some more of that great xyz you showed against st. Joe’s larlo” rather than “did you forget how to xyz or what, larlo?!”). And then maybe also relate that to how in the workplaces there are good and bad bosses and this coach is teaching him some lessons about how to/how not to relate to people that will be helpful later in life.
|
Anonymous
| You could eat that coach for lunch |
Anonymous
This is excellent advice. BTDT with a crappy coach for DS but fortunately we didn’t get stuck with him for HS. As someone who has coached for closing in on 30 years, I continue to be shocked that these coaches exist and there are so many of them. I started coaching because I had amazing coaches as a kid, I love the sport and it changed my life for the better. But I think for many coaches, they are in it for the wrong reasons and/or never had a good role model coach. Hang in there and do your best to support your kid, give them the positive feedback when you see them do something well, and help them understand how to navigate the negative behavior because they will likely run into it in other ways during their career. |
Anonymous
+1 Also a long time coach. Its terrible when HS players have to deal with a bad coach--its a four year problem. There are two types of bad coaches: those that can't coach the game/skills and those that can't educate/empower players. I can forgive the first group, especially since learning how to coach the game/skills involved takes a lot of hard work and years of experience to do well. The second group is the real problem. The primary role of HS is to educate students, and extra-curriculars like sports are part of that education. A coach that doesn't add anything positive to a child's education shouldn't be coaching at a school. There are a lot of coaches today who grew up with the wrong role models. These coaches will usually say things like "You need to have a thick skin" and "I'm hard on you because that's what will make you great." That philosophy has been thoroughly debunked in modern coaching. Swearing at or constantly yelling at players, never providing any positive feedback, inability to communicate and focusing on winning at all costs are now telltale signs of a coach who probably should look for another career. For players caught in this, there are a few ways to cope in addition to the good ideas above. First, if you play club sports make sure you find the coach that is what you want--hopefully the opposite of the HS coach. Since you play with your club team longer than your HS team, your club coach can make a big difference if helping you survive HS. Second, its OK to tell your DC that there are people in life that are like this and you just need to learn how to deal with it. It's also important to teach them how to recognize the bad behavior and to know that life is too short to deal with terrible people. Finally, make sure your DC knows how to maintain a strong sense of self-confidence and belief in their abilities, even in the face of the often dehumanizing behavior some coaches practice. |
Anonymous
| It’s hard to stand by and watch bad coaches. The only real option is to not return next year. DS has an absolutely toxic coaching situation for his varsity soccer team. Parents and players complained last year and nothing was done. The AD even witnessed the verbally abusive behavior firsthand and ignored it. The coach yells, calls his players horrible names and plays the blame game. He has pitted players against each other and created a terrible team dynamic. The team never wins because he has no idea how to actually coach and morale is low, so nobody can figure out how the school justifies keeping him around. Our biggest regret is letting our son return this year. |
Anonymous
|
What does it take to get a school to act on this? I understand (not saying it’s right) that it’s going to be a very tough battle to get a “winning” coach removed for being an awful coach/human but why would a school keep a horrible coach who is also losing?
And spin off—for those of us looking at high school options for kids, how do you make sure you avoid these toxic coaches? We’ve had friends land in this situation after thinking they’d done their due diligence. Their kids went to the coach’s feeder clinics and camps, but the contact between their kid and coach at these was minimal so they were fooled into thinking coach was someone he was not. |
Anonymous
If it's a high school sport, you don't have a choice. Grin and bear it, joke about it with your club team, and move on |
Anonymous
|
There is a lot of pressure to win at the varsity level in our area. You would think that with all the recent focus on student mental health, coaches would take heed. But they don’t. They think yelling achieves quick results (and it probably does) but it comes with long term damage. Honestly it’s too much pressure for high school sports that are supposed to be fun.
It’s actually more fun to be on a team that isn’t expected to win. |