Really struggling with our coaches

[Anonymous]

Jumping in from the other bad coaching thread.

Is there any way to fix this? My dcs high school is a school that attracts athletes and so the coaches do a lot of resting on their laurels from that, but there isn’t great coaching from what I can see, and there is a lot of bullying and petty ego driven nonsense from the coaches that pushes kids off teams. I’ve got a kid who is thinking of quitting a team he’s been a valuable contributor towards bc the coach has been so toxic and down right threatening. Some kids stay on teams, but only for the other kids. Its sad.

In our case, I don’t think the AD would care… but would the admin care? Shouldn’t they? Not only for the kids, but also happy grads recommend the school to others, donate, etc.

Coaches on here- WWYD?

[Anonymous]

As long as families continue to apply/sign up to play for these coaches, nothing will change. We scratched off a school on DS's list because we know a lot about a coach in his sport, and what we know is not good. It's a shame because I think otherwise, the school would have been a good fit. That said, we have several teammates who all have the same info we have about the coach, and they are applying anyway. It makes no sense to us, but people make different decisions.

Over the years I've run into a lot of ADs and I've never been blown away by their organizational skills so I'd bet that some of the inaction is due to ineffective leadership or conflict aversion. Some of it, may be due to pressure to keep winning and if the coach is getting results...No dice. School administrators, IMO, always defer to AD because this is not their area of expertise. That said, if you came to them with very specific examples and documented issues, you might get them to move on change.

[Anonymous]

[youtube]
It sucks and I’m basically a full time sports psychologist for my kid because some of his coaches are seriously shit. Just empathizing with you OP. Sucks to see your talented, hard working kid lose their motivation or stumble because grown adults act like children.

This- DD refused to play for HS team this year. It was not worth it. She will not be D1 athlete so not worth it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

it really hurt DC's feelings

You are being ridiculous
Coaches say things. Many are irrational. The Players take it. It's sports. Grow a pair
Unless it were to be truly abusive somehow.

People who have this mindset are idiots.

A terrible coach probably wrote that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would acknowledge that it’s normal it doesn’t feel great, talk about how coach could have communicated whatever he was trying to say in a different way (like “let’s see some more of that great xyz you showed against st. Joe’s larlo” rather than “did you forget how to xyz or what, larlo?!”). And then maybe also relate that to how in the workplaces there are good and bad bosses and this coach is teaching him some lessons about how to/how not to relate to people that will be helpful later in life.

This is excellent advice. BTDT with a crappy coach for DS but fortunately we didn’t get stuck with him for HS. As someone who has coached for closing in on 30 years, I continue to be shocked that these coaches exist and there are so many of them. I started coaching because I had amazing coaches as a kid, I love the sport and it changed my life for the better. But I think for many coaches, they are in it for the wrong reasons and/or never had a good role model coach. Hang in there and do your best to support your kid, give them the positive feedback when you see them do something well, and help them understand how to navigate the negative behavior because they will likely run into it in other ways during their career.

+1 Also a long time coach. Its terrible when HS players have to deal with a bad coach--its a four year problem. There are two types of bad coaches: those that can't coach the game/skills and those that can't educate/empower players. I can forgive the first group, especially since learning how to coach the game/skills involved takes a lot of hard work and years of experience to do well. The second group is the real problem. The primary role of HS is to educate students, and extra-curriculars like sports are part of that education. A coach that doesn't add anything positive to a child's education shouldn't be coaching at a school.

There are a lot of coaches today who grew up with the wrong role models. These coaches will usually say things like "You need to have a thick skin" and "I'm hard on you because that's what will make you great." That philosophy has been thoroughly debunked in modern coaching. Swearing at or constantly yelling at players, never providing any positive feedback, inability to communicate and focusing on winning at all costs are now telltale signs of a coach who probably should look for another career.

For players caught in this, there are a few ways to cope in addition to the good ideas above. First, if you play club sports make sure you find the coach that is what you want--hopefully the opposite of the HS coach. Since you play with your club team longer than your HS team, your club coach can make a big difference if helping you survive HS. Second, it’s OK to tell your DC that there are people in life that are like this and you just need to learn how to deal with it. It's also important to teach them how to recognize the bad behavior and to know that life is too short to deal with terrible people. Finally, make sure your DC knows how to maintain a strong sense of self-confidence and belief in their abilities, even in the face of the often dehumanizing behavior some coaches practice.

All of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would acknowledge that it’s normal it doesn’t feel great, talk about how coach could have communicated whatever he was trying to say in a different way (like “let’s see some more of that great xyz you showed against st. Joe’s larlo” rather than “did you forget how to xyz or what, larlo?!”). And then maybe also relate that to how in the workplaces there are good and bad bosses and this coach is teaching him some lessons about how to/how not to relate to people that will be helpful later in life.

This is excellent advice. BTDT with a crappy coach for DS but fortunately we didn’t get stuck with him for HS. As someone who has coached for closing in on 30 years, I continue to be shocked that these coaches exist and there are so many of them. I started coaching because I had amazing coaches as a kid, I love the sport and it changed my life for the better. But I think for many coaches, they are in it for the wrong reasons and/or never had a good role model coach. Hang in there and do your best to support your kid, give them the positive feedback when you see them do something well, and help them understand how to navigate the negative behavior because they will likely run into it in other ways during their career.

+1 Also a long time coach. Its terrible when HS players have to deal with a bad coach--its a four year problem. There are two types of bad coaches: those that can't coach the game/skills and those that can't educate/empower players. I can forgive the first group, especially since learning how to coach the game/skills involved takes a lot of hard work and years of experience to do well. The second group is the real problem. The primary role of HS is to educate students, and extra-curriculars like sports are part of that education. A coach that doesn't add anything positive to a child's education shouldn't be coaching at a school.

There are a lot of coaches today who grew up with the wrong role models. These coaches will usually say things like "You need to have a thick skin" and "I'm hard on you because that's what will make you great." That philosophy has been thoroughly debunked in modern coaching. Swearing at or constantly yelling at players, never providing any positive feedback, inability to communicate and focusing on winning at all costs are now telltale signs of a coach who probably should look for another career.

For players caught in this, there are a few ways to cope in addition to the good ideas above. First, if you play club sports make sure you find the coach that is what you want--hopefully the opposite of the HS coach. Since you play with your club team longer than your HS team, your club coach can make a big difference if helping you survive HS. Second, it’s OK to tell your DC that there are people in life that are like this and you just need to learn how to deal with it. It's also important to teach them how to recognize the bad behavior and to know that life is too short to deal with terrible people. Finally, make sure your DC knows how to maintain a strong sense of self-confidence and belief in their abilities, even in the face of the often dehumanizing behavior some coaches practice.

All of this.

I totally agree with all of this, but what do you do when these coaches can influence dc’s life more directly and they can’t just walk away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would acknowledge that it’s normal it doesn’t feel great, talk about how coach could have communicated whatever he was trying to say in a different way (like “let’s see some more of that great xyz you showed against st. Joe’s larlo” rather than “did you forget how to xyz or what, larlo?!”). And then maybe also relate that to how in the workplaces there are good and bad bosses and this coach is teaching him some lessons about how to/how not to relate to people that will be helpful later in life.

This is excellent advice. BTDT with a crappy coach for DS but fortunately we didn’t get stuck with him for HS. As someone who has coached for closing in on 30 years, I continue to be shocked that these coaches exist and there are so many of them. I started coaching because I had amazing coaches as a kid, I love the sport and it changed my life for the better. But I think for many coaches, they are in it for the wrong reasons and/or never had a good role model coach. Hang in there and do your best to support your kid, give them the positive feedback when you see them do something well, and help them understand how to navigate the negative behavior because they will likely run into it in other ways during their career.

+1 Also a long time coach. Its terrible when HS players have to deal with a bad coach--its a four year problem. There are two types of bad coaches: those that can't coach the game/skills and those that can't educate/empower players. I can forgive the first group, especially since learning how to coach the game/skills involved takes a lot of hard work and years of experience to do well. The second group is the real problem. The primary role of HS is to educate students, and extra-curriculars like sports are part of that education. A coach that doesn't add anything positive to a child's education shouldn't be coaching at a school.

There are a lot of coaches today who grew up with the wrong role models. These coaches will usually say things like "You need to have a thick skin" and "I'm hard on you because that's what will make you great." That philosophy has been thoroughly debunked in modern coaching. Swearing at or constantly yelling at players, never providing any positive feedback, inability to communicate and focusing on winning at all costs are now telltale signs of a coach who probably should look for another career.

For players caught in this, there are a few ways to cope in addition to the good ideas above. First, if you play club sports make sure you find the coach that is what you want--hopefully the opposite of the HS coach. Since you play with your club team longer than your HS team, your club coach can make a big difference if helping you survive HS. Second, it’s OK to tell your DC that there are people in life that are like this and you just need to learn how to deal with it. It's also important to teach them how to recognize the bad behavior and to know that life is too short to deal with terrible people. Finally, make sure your DC knows how to maintain a strong sense of self-confidence and belief in their abilities, even in the face of the often dehumanizing behavior some coaches practice.

All of this.

I totally agree with all of this, but what do you do when these coaches can influence dc’s life more directly and they can’t just walk away?

Assuming you are talking about not being able to quit the team because the player wants to play the sport.

First, you can always walk away. You don’t have to play for your HS team. A hallmark sign of many abusive relationships is the victim feeling trapped and believing they are unable to leave. That’s part of what gives the coach in these situations so much power. Make sure your DC knows this. And as a parent, do not contribute to the problem by telling the player they can’t leave—that makes the player feel trapped by both the coach and their family.

Second, if you don’t want to walk away you need your player to build up a strong psychological “shield”. They need to learn to recognize the bad behavior and then develop techniques to insulate themselves from it.

The best insulation is often other players on the team, who likely feel the same way. It’s OK for players to talk to each other about what’s happening and to lean on each other for support in moments where it gets really bad.

For personal techniques, keep it simple. Teach your DC that there is something to learn from everyone, but that finding the learning can be hard when the communication is terrible. Help them find the 1 or 2 things to focus on so they can tune everything else out as much as possible.

Finally, your DC doesn’t have to be quiet about how they feel, but they do have to learn how to productively address bad behavior from their coaches. Most teenagers have trouble tackling hard situations head on. Teach them how to make a list of their concerns and support them with evidence. Then work with your DC to identify the best approach to raising those concerns in a productive manner. Often, talking to an assistant coach first and asking for help can make a huge difference.

You don’t have to limit yourself to the athletic department either. Talking to a school counselor can really help your DC even if it doesn’t result in changes to the coaches behavior. Sometimes they just need to have another adult on their side.