Really struggling with our coaches

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It’s actually more fun to be on a team that isn’t expected to win.

I'm not a big fan of this mentality. In this instance a focus on winning is probably the coaches saving grace. Imagine what he would be like if he didn't have to worry about that. There is plenty of psychological issues that go on in "fun" teams. "Daddy Ball" is a good example. When you remove that thing that actually quantifies team building aspects you open the door to all kinds of shenanigans. It's not a beauty pageant. No, my kid doesn't have to show up and worship the coaches' kid, because the coach passed some vetting exam and basically just isn't a pedophile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of pressure to win at the varsity level in our area. You would think that with all the recent focus on student mental health, coaches would take heed. But they don’t. They think yelling achieves quick results (and it probably does) but it comes with long term damage. Honestly it’s too much pressure for high school sports that are supposed to be fun.

It’s actually more fun to be on a team that isn’t expected to win.

But when you're on a winning team with a coach who builds you up and teaches you all the life skills, as mentioned above, it's an utterly amazing experience.

The problem isn't winning. It's terrible human beings coaching (or coaches who simply don't know better, I guess, and don't actually mean to be that terrible, but I honestly think those people would eventually learn better).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of pressure to win at the varsity level in our area. You would think that with all the recent focus on student mental health, coaches would take heed. But they don’t. They think yelling achieves quick results (and it probably does) but it comes with long term damage. Honestly it’s too much pressure for high school sports that are supposed to be fun.

It’s actually more fun to be on a team that isn’t expected to win.

Since DS has no interest in playing beyond high school, we purposely chose a school that played in a less intense league. Friends asked, “why are you sending him there? Their program stinks.” I think people loose sight over their priorities. Our DS is playing, having a blast, and loves his coach. We were able to make that choice because he doesn’t want to play in college but there are a lot of people in our position who still opt for the toxic coach because it’s a more prestigious team or league.

[Anonymous]

it really hurt DC's feelings

You are being ridiculous
Coaches say things. Many are irrational. The Players take it. It's sports. Grow a pair
Unless it were to be truly abusive somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

it really hurt DC's feelings

You are being ridiculous
Coaches say things. Many are irrational. The Players take it. It's sports. Grow a pair
Unless it were to be truly abusive somehow.

It does sound like maybe the OP's kid was on a privileged team growing up. Maybe even the parent was a coach and is expecting to be treated like a Primadona. I could see how that would be rough, especially if the coach was on the less diplomatic spectrum.

There are plenty of bad coaches out there though. I think back to my high school coach, he totally made mistakes not developing kids, playing favorites etc. He could have won much more if he hadn't gone so far out of his way to accommodate the egos of the star players.

[Anonymous]

At some point kids stand up to coaches, or they don't. But it's not parents. At some point, something the coach is doing, bothers the kid so much that, if love of the sport isn't #1, the kid is going to leave/or risk leaving the team. The kid makes a choice. And it's an empowered choice.

For DD it was about practices that went long, beyond what was scheduled. Way too long. She cared about studying. She walked off the practice field once. Coach was furious of course, but she was ok with whatever happened to her re: the team.

[Anonymous]

I had this situation in high school in a sport I excelled at. I chose not to play senior year. I had been the star of the team (since it's anonymous I'll go ahead and say it) and it was a big deal and noticed that I didn't play. No seniors played on the team my senior year. We were all over it and done. My parents totally empowered me to make this decision and supported me. The coach got fired the next year. I was asked directly about why I wasn't playing by the Athletic Director and gave the real answer.

So my advice is really just support your son in his feelings and whatever he wants to do and make clear what these coaches are doing is not right and not okay. And if I was you, I'd complain to the Athletic Director. They may do nothing and that's fine. But you would have said something and they'd have another data point. If enough people complain, they will feel compelled to do something at some point.

It was FANTASTIC not playing the sport my senior year. I loved every damn minute of not playing. I pursued another activity I'd never been able to do before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

it really hurt DC's feelings

You are being ridiculous
Coaches say things. Many are irrational. The Players take it. It's sports. Grow a pair
Unless it were to be truly abusive somehow.

People who have this mindset are idiots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

it really hurt DC's feelings

You are being ridiculous
Coaches say things. Many are irrational. The Players take it. It's sports. Grow a pair
Unless it were to be truly abusive somehow.

Screw you. My player takes it. But shouldn't have to. Especially with all the lip service paid to "mental health" in sports these days.
You can be critical without being an a$$hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

it really hurt DC's feelings

You are being ridiculous
Coaches say things. Many are irrational. The Players take it. It's sports. Grow a pair
Unless it were to be truly abusive somehow.

It does sound like maybe the OP's kid was on a privileged team growing up. Maybe even the parent was a coach and is expecting to be treated like a Primadona. I could see how that would be rough, especially if the coach was on the less diplomatic spectrum.

There are plenty of bad coaches out there though. I think back to my high school coach, he totally made mistakes not developing kids, playing favorites etc. He could have won much more if he hadn't gone so far out of his way to accommodate the egos of the star players.

OP. Absolutely zero of your assumptions about my kid and us as coaches is correct (to the contrary it is the COACH who has the "star" kid on the team).
You can blame us/my kid all you want. But DC has been nothing but resilient. But that doesn't mean it isn't difficult for them (or us to hear/watch).
There is NOTHING motivational or kind about these coaches.

[Anonymous]

I saw a girl, who is an ECNL player plus high end HS player, giving an academic presentation recently. Totally unrelated to soccer. She literally looked like she was expecting someone to scream at her the whole time, very timid. She beamed with the tiniest bit of positive reinforcement.

Mind you, this girl is an elite athlete and student. You can’t tell me that’s not due to a lot of screaming coaches over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of pressure to win at the varsity level in our area. You would think that with all the recent focus on student mental health, coaches would take heed. But they don’t. They think yelling achieves quick results (and it probably does) but it comes with long term damage. Honestly it’s too much pressure for high school sports that are supposed to be fun.

It’s actually more fun to be on a team that isn’t expected to win.

But when you're on a winning team with a coach who builds you up and teaches you all the life skills, as mentioned above, it's an utterly amazing experience.

The problem isn't winning. It's terrible human beings coaching (or coaches who simply don't know better, I guess, and don't actually mean to be that terrible, but I honestly think those people would eventually learn better).

The great coaches are unfortunately few and far between. There are some around and tend to have been varsity coaches at the same school for many, many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I saw a girl, who is an ECNL player plus high end HS player, giving an academic presentation recently. Totally unrelated to soccer. She literally looked like she was expecting someone to scream at her the whole time, very timid. She beamed with the tiniest bit of positive reinforcement.

Mind you, this girl is an elite athlete and student. You can’t tell me that’s not due to a lot of screaming coaches over the years.

Could just as easily (more easily?) be screaming parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Maybe even the parent was a coach

Anonymous wrote:
my kid and us as coaches

Sounds like some one of the assumptions was close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Maybe even the parent was a coach

Anonymous wrote:
my kid and us as coaches

Sounds like some one of the assumptions was close.

I suppose if you can't read, yes. We do not and have never coached our kid.