Really angry 14 year old

[Anonymous]

My DD is dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I know it is partially developmentally appropriate but she gets mad at me all the time, I do nothing right, she is completely disrespectful in private and public. I know from therapy I should validate her feelings and ignore the rest but I’m so freaking mad. It is unacceptable to treat me like this and expect me to be fine the next minute. She tells me at least once a week how awful I am and how much she hates me. I’m not perfect, but I’m loving, we have a great relationship until she gets mad over something. Any advice? I’m thinking that a logical consequence is that I’m not getting her things, she asks for Starbucks, new clothes, etc. I will say “ a logical consequence for how you have been treating me is that I’m not going to get you anything that is not a need at this time.” I’m SURE this will fire her up again into another tirade where she rips me apart. Any other thoughts? Ideas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I know it is partially developmentally appropriate but she gets mad at me all the time, I do nothing right, she is completely disrespectful in private and public. I know from therapy I should validate her feelings and ignore the rest but I’m so freaking mad. It is unacceptable to treat me like this and expect me to be fine the next minute. She tells me at least once a week how awful I am and how much she hates me. I’m not perfect, but I’m loving, we have a great relationship until she gets mad over something. Any advice? I’m thinking that a logical consequence is that I’m not getting her things, she asks for Starbucks, new clothes, etc. I will say “ a logical consequence for how you have been treating me is that I’m not going to get you anything that is not a need at this time.” I’m SURE this will fire her up again into another tirade where she rips me apart. Any other thoughts? Ideas?

Hormones. Get her involved in intense physical exercise to burn up that angsty energy.
Or a boyfriend to play with and get rid of it.
Or a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I know it is partially developmentally appropriate but she gets mad at me all the time, I do nothing right, she is completely disrespectful in private and public. I know from therapy I should validate her feelings and ignore the rest but I’m so freaking mad. It is unacceptable to treat me like this and expect me to be fine the next minute. She tells me at least once a week how awful I am and how much she hates me. I’m not perfect, but I’m loving, we have a great relationship until she gets mad over something. Any advice? I’m thinking that a logical consequence is that I’m not getting her things, she asks for Starbucks, new clothes, etc. I will say “ a logical consequence for how you have been treating me is that I’m not going to get you anything that is not a need at this time.” I’m SURE this will fire her up again into another tirade where she rips me apart. Any other thoughts? Ideas?

Hormones. Get her involved in intense physical exercise to burn up that angsty energy.
Or a boyfriend to play with and get rid of it.
Or a job.

Yes, encourage your 14 year old to have sex. What can possibly go wrong?

[Anonymous]

My 13 year old is the same. She must have said she hated me four times in the past week. The last time she did it I asked her to repeat what she just said, and she left out the "I hate you" part. I said "I thought I heard you say you hate me, are you trying to hurt my feelings?" and it made her realize the effect of her words. They think they can say anything and get away with it. If you tell her you're not getting her what she wants, it will just put her in a worse mood and you will bear the brunt of it. She may be mad at you if she's saying it to you and not anyone else, or she might have something else bothering her and is using you to dump on.

[Anonymous]

I mean. Neither of my teen daughters tell me they hate me. I don’t think you are wrong here.

I’d just keep calm and keep at it. And hope it passes. Is she just like this with you?

[Anonymous]

You are in the wrong because you are allowing this behavior. When my tween dd starts this nonsense I stop it right away. I explain that she can be angry be she can't yell at me. She doesn't have to like me all the time but she does have to respect me all the time that is not optional.
You act like an inmate you get treated like one. My daughter knows that I can make her life very difficult if I chose to.

[Anonymous]

One sentence, “When you treat me like this (or say things like this), I find it really hard to do nice things for you.” Then, you give her money for Starbucks and drive her places? Respect is a 2 way street. That treatment wouldn’t fly for 5 minutes in my house.

[Anonymous]

When my kids are feeling froggy, I just straight out say, “you are going to ask me for something in five minutes”.

It has become a running joke in our house - they reply back, “less than five”, but it’s just a verbal cue to check themselves.

You need a way to pull your daughter out of that in the moment- don’t wait until she asks for something hours later.

[Anonymous]

I got my teen a therapist and we worked on them walking away before saying something rude. Taking time to themselves and coming back and explaining what I did that frustrated them. Also, coming back and apologizing for being mean and rude.

I had to learn that I was actually being annoying, and I needed to learn what was annoying to them and stop doing that and when they said I was being annoying I needed to stop doing the annoying thing.

Basically we learned to communicate better and they learned to regulate their emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got my teen a therapist and we worked on them walking away before saying something rude. Taking time to themselves and coming back and explaining what I did that frustrated them. Also, coming back and apologizing for being mean and rude.

I had to learn that I was actually being annoying, and I needed to learn what was annoying to them and stop doing that and when they said I was being annoying I needed to stop doing the annoying thing.

Basically we learned to communicate better and they learned to regulate their emotions.

This is ridiculous, you had to learn that you were being annoying. Yeah not a chance I would do that. I'm not going to go out of my way to annoy my kids but I'm not going to walk on egg shells around them. I tell my kids all the time if I have to chose between me being annoyed and you being annoyed then I'd rather it be you. I make too many sacrifices as it is.

[Anonymous]

I think that you need to sit down with your daughter when she is calm and calmly tell her that you are not allowing this disrespect any longer. Explain to her that you do not want her to treat people she loves like this and that if she should get married some day, you don’t want her to think that it is okay to act like this.

She can be upset or angry, but she’s not to attack you verbally or physically. You need to draw up some new written family rules for all of you to follow.

A therapist can work with her on how to more appropriately express her feelings and manage her emotions.

You also must keep in mind that she doesn’t really hate you, of course. She is feeling out of control and is unloading on the safest person she knows. So you need to try to find out what is stressing her and how to help her manage that. Even hormonal surges can be managed.

You can establish a hand signal or phrase that indicates that either of you doesn’t want to talk to be bothered for the next fifteen minutes.

Try to analyze what times of the day this happens and what might trigger it. Could she be hungry and not realize it?

If it’s because you said no to something she wants, then you track what kind of thing she’s trying to get and is there a way she can earn it? If it’s something you don’t allow, then she can be mad, but not abusive.

She’s old enough to talk with you to understand what happens to her in these moments, when she’s calm. If you need a few sessions with a family therapist, then do that.

She doesn’t like feeling like this, I am sure. She can’t stop herself, as hormones and maturity are not there yet.

[Anonymous]

I think you are doing the right things to try to right the ship. It's never okay to be disrespectful. Unfortunately, the groundwork for this type of behavior is usually set when they are younger so while it isn't too late, it'll be harder to reign in her behavior. It could be a cry for help - needing things she may not be aware of even (eg stronger relationship wtih her parents). I think a joint therapy session maybe or you just spending alot of time with her doing things that are of interest to her so that you can strengthen your bond.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are afraid of her. Be strong, be firm, don’t be afraid. She will respect you for it, and be relieved. She desperately wants you to set boundaries and rules. It will bring her calm, and frankly this is your role as parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I know it is partially developmentally appropriate but she gets mad at me all the time, I do nothing right, she is completely disrespectful in private and public. I know from therapy I should validate her feelings and ignore the rest but I’m so freaking mad. It is unacceptable to treat me like this and expect me to be fine the next minute. She tells me at least once a week how awful I am and how much she hates me. I’m not perfect, but I’m loving, we have a great relationship until she gets mad over something. Any advice? I’m thinking that a logical consequence is that I’m not getting her things, she asks for Starbucks, new clothes, etc. I will say “ a logical consequence for how you have been treating me is that I’m not going to get you anything that is not a need at this time.” I’m SURE this will fire her up again into another tirade where she rips me apart. Any other thoughts? Ideas?

You don’t have to validate all of her feelings. Not all feelings are valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got my teen a therapist and we worked on them walking away before saying something rude. Taking time to themselves and coming back and explaining what I did that frustrated them. Also, coming back and apologizing for being mean and rude.

I had to learn that I was actually being annoying, and I needed to learn what was annoying to them and stop doing that and when they said I was being annoying I needed to stop doing the annoying thing.

Basically we learned to communicate better and they learned to regulate their emotions.

This is ridiculous, you had to learn that you were being annoying. Yeah not a chance I would do that. I'm not going to go out of my way to annoy my kids but I'm not going to walk on egg shells around them. I tell my kids all the time if I have to chose between me being annoyed and you being annoyed then I'd rather it be you. I make too many sacrifices as it is.

I wouldn't blame a kid for being angry at a parent who acted that way, or surprised if the kid acted self-centered and annoyed their parent. After all, you decided to have kids. They didn't ask to be born.