Really angry 14 year old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean…. where is this coming from? My teen has literally never even approached the phrase. “I hate you“. That’s not a statement about my parenting, but we just don’t have that kind of conflict in the house. Are these normal “hey you have to get up for school” conversations that transition to “I hate you?“ Because that’s not normal. Rather than talking about not buying her Starbucks I would get to the bottom of if there is something going on with her. How much screen time is she getting? Is she involved in any physical activity like sports (she needs to be, even if it’s just being outside). Have grades slipped? What’s the story with friends/boys etc? If you’re partnered, what’s the conflict resolution pattern she sees there?

Look teens can be awful and yes sometimes it’s hormones but it seems like there’s more to this story. If she’s telling you she hates you bc you won’t buy her a dragonfruit lemonade at SB then yes, no more SB.

+1, and regarding ignoring bad behavior,
I interpret that generally as not raising the level of emotional reactivity in the house so if my teen were to be very rude I’d (try to) calmly tell them we can talk later when they can be civil and then put my AirPods in and go for a walk rather than shouting back at them that they’ll respect me or else, not that I should literally pretend not to notice when they say rude hurtful things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I know it is partially developmentally appropriate but she gets mad at me all the time, I do nothing right, she is completely disrespectful in private and public. I know from therapy I should validate her feelings and ignore the rest but I’m so freaking mad. It is unacceptable to treat me like this and expect me to be fine the next minute. She tells me at least once a week how awful I am and how much she hates me. I’m not perfect, but I’m loving, we have a great relationship until she gets mad over something. Any advice? I’m thinking that a logical consequence is that I’m not getting her things, she asks for Starbucks, new clothes, etc. I will say “ a logical consequence for how you have been treating me is that I’m not going to get you anything that is not a need at this time.” I’m SURE this will fire her up again into another tirade where she rips me apart. Any other thoughts? Ideas?

Really, an actual therapist told you to do this? I'm a psychologist and I find this surprising unless the advice was given several years ago when she was 2 or 3. A 14 y/o is perfectly capable of receiving and learning from respectful feedback, boundaries, and appropriate consequences. In fact, even though adolescents are not my area of practice, I would say you definitely should be doing this. Regulating emotions and anger in relationships is a huge part of becoming an adult.

If you've really just been saying "I'm sorry you're upset." and ignoring everything, I would start by acknowledging the feeling, but also that certain behavior is unacceptable and hurtful. I have no problem telling my own teens that certain words/behaviors are not ok, and that their words have hurt me or made me angry. It's also fine to ask for space and tell her you aren't willing to continue a conversation where she is just abusing you. Also, talk to her about it when she is not upset. Consequences like you mention are fine, but you may get more mileage out of a reset where you let her know that he behavior is hurting you.