I have not felt like I "fit in" in a long time

[Anonymous]

I don't know if this is just a life phase that will end or if I need to make a new change or what. Historically I have not minded being the odd one out -- being the lone older or younger person in the office, the only woman at a social event, etc. It's always nice to have people you have stuff in common with but I'm pretty good at finding connections with others too.

But lately I feel like I don't fit *anywhere*. I'm the "old mom" at my kid's school plus I have an only in a sea of 2-4 kid families and on top of that I work a flexible WFH job when all the other parents are 9-6 in office.

I'm our neighborhood we are one of only a few families in our immediate area and most people are either a lot younger or are retirees. We get on well with the neighbors but I feel like we stick out and have different priorities.

I recently took up a new hobby but everyone I meet in the hobby is at least a decade younger and no kids. I've tried to see if other parents in our orbit will join me but they say they don't have time (because they work longer hours and have more kids than I do).

Even among our close friends I feel out of step. A lot of my friends are into pop music and it's just not my thing-- they want to go to Taylor Swift or the NKOTB reunion concert and I just can't get excited about it (and it's not how I want to send money). Some of my friends are very career focused now and my DH and I are the opposite-- we are looks my at an early semi-retirement in a few years, not digging in to nab another promotion. Others are focused on kids and family and while that's our focus too it's just us and our DD-- we aren't hosting big family holidays or spending tons of time with extended family.

Is this unusual? It's not like I have no friends or hobbies. I just feel like the outlier all the time and miss at least sometimes feeling like I'm among "my people."

[Anonymous]

Its not unusual. The fact that you have so many people to feel slightly out of step with is the bonus - you have those people, regardless. For a lot of families in the area it can be more lonely than you're describing.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you’re doing too much comparing. Why not look for what you have in common?

Also, many of the things you mention are fairly superficial. What about shared values?

[Anonymous]

Are you same OP as this other thread?:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1227515.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if this is just a life phase that will end or if I need to make a new change or what. Historically I have not minded being the odd one out -- being the lone older or younger person in the office, the only woman at a social event, etc. It's always nice to have people you have stuff in common with but I'm pretty good at finding connections with others too.

But lately I feel like I don't fit *anywhere*. I'm the "old mom" at my kid's school plus I have an only in a sea of 2-4 kid families and on top of that I work a flexible WFH job when all the other parents are 9-6 in office.

I'm our neighborhood we are one of only a few families in our immediate area and most people are either a lot younger or are retirees. We get on well with the neighbors but I feel like we stick out and have different priorities.

I recently took up a new hobby but everyone I meet in the hobby is at least a decade younger and no kids. I've tried to see if other parents in our orbit will join me but they say they don't have time (because they work longer hours and have more kids than I do).

Even among our close friends I feel out of step. A lot of my friends are into pop music and it's just not my thing-- they want to go to Taylor Swift or the NKOTB reunion concert and I just can't get excited about it (and it's not how I want to send money). Some of my friends are very career focused now and my DH and I are the opposite-- we are looks my at an early semi-retirement in a few years, not digging in to nab another promotion. Others are focused on kids and family and while that's our focus too it's just us and our DD-- we aren't hosting big family holidays or spending tons of time with extended family.

Is this unusual? It's not like I have no friends or hobbies. I just feel like the outlier all the time and miss at least sometimes feeling like I'm among "my people."

I feel this is middle age-I also feel like I don't have time to care anymore I think it's normal OP-I also think this area can make you feel like you "should" do and be things that maybe you don't really want to be.

[Anonymous]

I never fit in. I'm biracial and multicultural, OP, and lived in several different countries as a child due to my father's job, all 100% white places, then married and had kids very young in the DC area (people here thought I was a teen mom), where I cannot work because I am on a spouse visa. One of my kids has special needs. I've had 40 something years to get used to being different, OP!

You are special and unique. Don't be afraid to let it show. Revel in your differences. After all, you only have one life, so you'd better enjoy it...

[Anonymous]

I have never fit in either. Lots of acquaintances but no really close friends. Even my husband isn't 100% my style. I was recently told "you're friendly with everyone but you're not friends with anyone." Ouch!
The only person on earth who really gets me is my sister who lives in Asia as an expat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never fit in either. Lots of acquaintances but no really close friends. Even my husband isn't 100% my style. I was recently told "you're friendly with everyone but you're not friends with anyone." Ouch!
The only person on earth who really gets me is my sister who lives in Asia as an expat.

I really relate to this. Lots of acquaintances, but no real close friends for most of my life. I've decided that I must be doing something wrong and it really gets me down.

[Anonymous]

I sometimes feel like this bc I have an only child and also am a little older than the other moms. I feel like I have a bit more free time since I only have one kid and also am not totally consumed by kid activities bc one of us can trade on and off.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never fit in either. Lots of acquaintances but no really close friends. Even my husband isn't 100% my style. I was recently told "you're friendly with everyone but you're not friends with anyone." Ouch!
The only person on earth who really gets me is my sister who lives in Asia as an expat.

I really relate to this. Lots of acquaintances, but no real close friends for most of my life. I've decided that I must be doing something wrong and it really gets me down.

I’m this way too, but I don’t think we’re really doing anything wrong. I think there are a few opportunities in life to make really good close friends and if you move a lot and lose those, it turns out that it’s almost impossible to replace them. I put a lot of effort into building up mom relationships and those were nice and very helpful, but they don’t develop into real, deep relationships — in part because it becomes really awkward when one of your kids ditches the other (I’ve been on both sides of that, and it’s awkward either way).
We need like a dating app for middle aged women to find friends. AI should help us with this!

[Anonymous]

I have never fit in anywhere ever not even my birth family. I don't try anymore

[Anonymous]

I think you are actually better off. You get to work from home, you aren't bogged down with extra kids, you're financially better off. I always feel like I don't fit in either. I was in a male dominated career, younger than everyone at work, then I was older than other parents, stayed at home while others worked, and people who shared a hobby were older. I kind of stopped trying to fit in and just figured I am unique.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never fit in either. Lots of acquaintances but no really close friends. Even my husband isn't 100% my style. I was recently told "you're friendly with everyone but you're not friends with anyone." Ouch!
The only person on earth who really gets me is my sister who lives in Asia as an expat.

I really relate to this. Lots of acquaintances, but no real close friends for most of my life. I've decided that I must be doing something wrong and it really gets me down.

I’m this way too, but I don’t think we’re really doing anything wrong. I think there are a few opportunities in life to make really good close friends and if you move a lot and lose those, it turns out that it’s almost impossible to replace them. I put a lot of effort into building up mom relationships and those were nice and very helpful, but they don’t develop into real, deep relationships — in part because it becomes really awkward when one of your kids ditches the other (I’ve been on both sides of that, and it’s awkward either way).
We need like a dating app for middle aged women to find friends. AI should help us with this!

https://www.girlfriendsocial.com/

[Anonymous]

I have never really fit in either. At some level, this is literally true (e.g. I'm a woman in a field with almost no women). But I have a handful of very close friends. In addition, I have people that I enjoy spending time with who bring out one aspect of me or another.

My parents had a friend group when I was growing up, and they did most things together. Sometimes I wish I had that, but I also see how much my mom (who also didn't "fit", as she was the only woman who WOH) had to compromise herself to "fit". I don't think I'm capable of that.

In the end, look to the positives in your life. If you are missing human connection, find ways to fill it that might be unusual but work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never fit in. I'm biracial and multicultural, OP, and lived in several different countries as a child due to my father's job, all 100% white places, then married and had kids very young in the DC area (people here thought I was a teen mom), where I cannot work because I am on a spouse visa. One of my kids has special needs. I've had 40 something years to get used to being different, OP!

You are special and unique. Don't be afraid to let it show. Revel in your differences. After all, you only have one life, so you'd better enjoy it...

I'm close to this. I'm adopted and a different race than my adoptive family. Amongst folks of my own race and ethnicity I'm still an outlier due to life experiences and lack of culture. I lived abroad a few times, and in the US have lived in cities and suburbs and rural areas. I use both sides of my brain and work, usually as the creative within STEM organizations. I will never fit in anywhere and I accept it and am true to myself wherever I go.