No dates anymore

[Anonymous]

For the first 4-6m my boyfriend used to plan fun dates. We’d go out to dinner, to a performance, or do an activity together, and he would really make an effort. Now it’s all dinner at home, walks outside, sometimes tennis. He’s a great guy; kind, honest, supportive and respectful and we take care of each other. Sex is not the best I’ve ever had but the best he’s ever had and good enough for me.

Unfortunately I feel like he is always stretched thin financially and it shows. He makes a decent salary but has child support obligations and a lawyer to pay. He does things himself that a higher earning person would outsource (like cleaning or home repairs) that reduce our available together time. He has never given me a gift although I do give him gifts (small ones though, like under $50 though will spend $300 for his birthday).

[Anonymous]

He obvious doesn’t meet your financial expectations. Keep digging.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your relationship is less than one year old. And you are a woman who expects ongoing wooing.

Your boyfriend may be following patterns established as normal or acceptable in his first relationship. So you will have to communicate your needs better.

I met my husband in college when he was poor. Everything you wrote sounds normal to me. In your shoes, I'd ask if I could join him in doing repair chores to spend time together.

[Anonymous]

Im not asking this with snark or condescention, OP, so please don't think this is unkindly meant, but: How old are you both? And what was your experience growing up? I'm wondering if you're both fairly young and/or you grew up with ideas that gift-giving and a certain definition of "dates" (whatever that definition was and is for you) are coloring your thinking here.

A little perspective might help:

Imagine having a boyfriend who was strapped for cash, like yours is, but who didn't keep his spending down. One who got into debt or at least was always complaining about how he wanted to do X or buy Y. A whiner. One who sure won't be creative enough to fix anything on his own. Please realize that there are many people like that. Having a BF who actually is adult and mature enough to recognize that he must live within his means and not whine about that -- this is golden, OP. It means he won't suck you into debt with him if you were to live together or marry. It means he won't sponge off you and expect YOU to pay for everything. Can you see how you should maybe focus on all that, and not on "I wish he'd give me gifts" and "I'd like more dates"?

Imagine having a boyfriend who thought it was fine just to sit on his butt and play video games rather than cook at home, play tennis, and go on walks. Again, there are so many posts on this site about the BF or husband who plays games for hours on end, never cooks, would sooner die than engage in something like tennis with his wife or GF. Do you see that this also is good?

So play board games too, take up another cheap sport together as a couple. Save enough for an inexpensive stay at a hotel out near the mountains and spend one night, with hiking both days. Get cookbooks from the library and experiment together with cooking new dishes at home. Make specific plans to go out maybe once a month for dinner, at someplace nice but not expensive, and have dessert at home and then sex! Go to inexpensive things -- it's free to walk through a local farmer's market or craft fair. There are even free, live concerts at parks all over this region, all the time, even into October--have you tried looking up free activities like those, as dates? You do know that all the Smithsonian museums plus many other museums around here are free, right? As are a lot of historic sites (not all, but some)? Are you just so locked into dinner and a show as the only definition that's a date, to you?

Do not lose a mature, capable man who seems to like spending time with you actually doing stuff like tennis and walks--do not lose him just because you always pictured that having a boyfriend meant some image of a certain type of "dates." Instead, get creative and find lots more to do together. It's out there.

And he doesn't have to be the one to plan it all, OP; you seem to place a lot of weight on how HE used to "make the effort" to plan dates and you miss that. To be blunt, please get over it. Ask him to plan one low-cost or free outing a month and you plan a second one. If you're an established couple, you both should be planning things to do together. He may feel comfortable with you and like he doesn't need to impress you with dinner-and-a-show. Tha'ts actually good, but if you want to do more, well, plan it, and ask him to plan one thing a month too.

And for God's sake do not keep totaling gift expenditures in your head. That is toxic to a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He obvious doesn’t meet your financial expectations. Keep digging.

This is a very harsh way to put it -- but it's very much on point.

OP, you don't want to partner with someone who has the financial obligations (child support) and time and money priorities (doing things others would "outsource") he has. Move on, find someone else whose lifestyle you won't resent. You are already resentful; that's bad.

As PP said, "keep digging."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im not asking this with snark or condescention, OP, so please don't think this is unkindly meant, but: How old are you both? And what was your experience growing up? I'm wondering if you're both fairly young and/or you grew up with ideas that gift-giving and a certain definition of "dates" (whatever that definition was and is for you) are coloring your thinking here.

A little perspective might help:

Imagine having a boyfriend who was strapped for cash, like yours is, but who didn't keep his spending down. One who got into debt or at least was always complaining about how he wanted to do X or buy Y. A whiner. One who sure won't be creative enough to fix anything on his own. Please realize that there are many people like that. Having a BF who actually is adult and mature enough to recognize that he must live within his means and not whine about that -- this is golden, OP. It means he won't suck you into debt with him if you were to live together or marry. It means he won't sponge off you and expect YOU to pay for everything. Can you see how you should maybe focus on all that, and not on "I wish he'd give me gifts" and "I'd like more dates"?

Imagine having a boyfriend who thought it was fine just to sit on his butt and play video games rather than cook at home, play tennis, and go on walks. Again, there are so many posts on this site about the BF or husband who plays games for hours on end, never cooks, would sooner die than engage in something like tennis with his wife or GF. Do you see that this also is good?

So play board games too, take up another cheap sport together as a couple. Save enough for an inexpensive stay at a hotel out near the mountains and spend one night, with hiking both days. Get cookbooks from the library and experiment together with cooking new dishes at home. Make specific plans to go out maybe once a month for dinner, at someplace nice but not expensive, and have dessert at home and then sex! Go to inexpensive things -- it's free to walk through a local farmer's market or craft fair. There are even free, live concerts at parks all over this region, all the time, even into October--have you tried looking up free activities like those, as dates? You do know that all the Smithsonian museums plus many other museums around here are free, right? As are a lot of historic sites (not all, but some)? Are you just so locked into dinner and a show as the only definition that's a date, to you?

Do not lose a mature, capable man who seems to like spending time with you actually doing stuff like tennis and walks--do not lose him just because you always pictured that having a boyfriend meant some image of a certain type of "dates." Instead, get creative and find lots more to do together. It's out there.

And he doesn't have to be the one to plan it all, OP; you seem to place a lot of weight on how HE used to "make the effort" to plan dates and you miss that. To be blunt, please get over it. Ask him to plan one low-cost or free outing a month and you plan a second one. If you're an established couple, you both should be planning things to do together. He may feel comfortable with you and like he doesn't need to impress you with dinner-and-a-show. Tha'ts actually good, but if you want to do more, well, plan it, and ask him to plan one thing a month too.

And for God's sake do not keep totaling gift expenditures in your head. That is toxic to a relationship.

OP, listen to this. It's pretty good perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the first 4-6m my boyfriend used to plan fun dates. We’d go out to dinner, to a performance, or do an activity together, and he would really make an effort. Now it’s all dinner at home, walks outside, sometimes tennis. He’s a great guy; kind, honest, supportive and respectful and we take care of each other. Sex is not the best I’ve ever had but the best he’s ever had and good enough for me.

Unfortunately I feel like he is always stretched thin financially and it shows. He makes a decent salary but has child support obligations and a lawyer to pay. He does things himself that a higher earning person would outsource (like cleaning or home repairs) that reduce our available together time. He has never given me a gift although I do give him gifts (small ones though, like under $50 though will spend $300 for his birthday).

Honestly this is why is preventing me from dating post divorce. I am 46 2 kids pay child support save for college both are in expensive sports and trying to stay afloat as far as my expenses while still saving for retirement. The assumption that a lot of men have (me included) is that women place a very very high value on your finances. We feel like a lot of women will stay clear of men like me who let's be honest are broke. My thinking may be outdated and hope it is. Women often say they have their own and that's true, but they often talk about doing big things loving a nice life and that cost money.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like he is your top choice.

To me, the change in how you spend time together sounds like normal evolution of a relationship. The wooing, wining and dining, and grand romantic gestures typically is just in the beginning of any relationship.

I've been told that if one is high maintenance with that kind of stuff and sex, long-term relationships is not right for that person. They are hooked on the romance.

[Anonymous]

OP. Adding that we are a really great match for each other and compatible in many important ways apart from this. I do not think inwioukd ever find a 100% match. Also, long poster above, I agree all these things are valuable and important.

[Anonymous]

OP. I think that if we were redirecting energy and money towards different mutual goals I would feel more positive about the shutdown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Adding that we are a really great match for each other and compatible in many important ways apart from this. I do not think inwioukd ever find a 100% match. Also, long poster above, I agree all these things are valuable and important.

There is no such thing as a 100% match. Act accordingly, for sure. But wanting/expecting a different lifestyle is almost an inevitable recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the first 4-6m my boyfriend used to plan fun dates. We’d go out to dinner, to a performance, or do an activity together, and he would really make an effort. Now it’s all dinner at home, walks outside, sometimes tennis. He’s a great guy; kind, honest, supportive and respectful and we take care of each other. Sex is not the best I’ve ever had but the best he’s ever had and good enough for me.

Unfortunately I feel like he is always stretched thin financially and it shows. He makes a decent salary but has child support obligations and a lawyer to pay. He does things himself that a higher earning person would outsource (like cleaning or home repairs) that reduce our available together time. He has never given me a gift although I do give him gifts (small ones though, like under $50 though will spend $300 for his birthday).

That's his reality as a divorced dad paying child support, being frugal to pay back lawyer, save for self and child, working, managing a household. If you can adapt to it, that's great. If you can't then move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the first 4-6m my boyfriend used to plan fun dates. We’d go out to dinner, to a performance, or do an activity together, and he would really make an effort. Now it’s all dinner at home, walks outside, sometimes tennis. He’s a great guy; kind, honest, supportive and respectful and we take care of each other. Sex is not the best I’ve ever had but the best he’s ever had and good enough for me.

Unfortunately I feel like he is always stretched thin financially and it shows. He makes a decent salary but has child support obligations and a lawyer to pay. He does things himself that a higher earning person would outsource (like cleaning or home repairs) that reduce our available together time. He has never given me a gift although I do give him gifts (small ones though, like under $50 though will spend $300 for his birthday).

Honestly this is why is preventing me from dating post divorce. I am 46 2 kids pay child support save for college both are in expensive sports and trying to stay afloat as far as my expenses while still saving for retirement. The assumption that a lot of men have (me included) is that women place a very very high value on your finances. We feel like a lot of women will stay clear of men like me who let's be honest are broke. My thinking may be outdated and hope it is. Women often say they have their own and that's true, but they often talk about doing big things loving a nice life and that cost money.

I am divorced and out here dating and I think it's less about how you much you can spend on women and more about if your finances are shaky. My last SO (we were together for a decade) was strapped with two kids in college and rebuilding after divorce, but was creative about date planning and that was way better than him laying out a lot of cash and going into debt on some foolishness to impress me. I am impressed by fiscal responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I think that if we were redirecting energy and money towards different mutual goals I would feel more positive about the shutdown.

Ok ... but at 6 months or so it's way to soon to be "redirecting energy and money towards different mutual goals." Although you didn't mention how long you have been together or what your level of commitment is, given the context in your post I'm assuming you aren't far past the 6 mo mark. So.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the first 4-6m my boyfriend used to plan fun dates. We’d go out to dinner, to a performance, or do an activity together, and he would really make an effort. Now it’s all dinner at home, walks outside, sometimes tennis. He’s a great guy; kind, honest, supportive and respectful and we take care of each other. Sex is not the best I’ve ever had but the best he’s ever had and good enough for me.

Unfortunately I feel like he is always stretched thin financially and it shows. He makes a decent salary but has child support obligations and a lawyer to pay. He does things himself that a higher earning person would outsource (like cleaning or home repairs) that reduce our available together time. He has never given me a gift although I do give him gifts (small ones though, like under $50 though will spend $300 for his birthday).

Honestly this is why is preventing me from dating post divorce. I am 46 2 kids pay child support save for college both are in expensive sports and trying to stay afloat as far as my expenses while still saving for retirement. The assumption that a lot of men have (me included) is that women place a very very high value on your finances. We feel like a lot of women will stay clear of men like me who let's be honest are broke. My thinking may be outdated and hope it is. Women often say they have their own and that's true, but they often talk about doing big things loving a nice life and that cost money.

I am divorced and out here dating and I think it's less about how you much you can spend on women and more about if your finances are shaky. My last SO (we were together for a decade) was strapped with two kids in college and rebuilding after divorce, but was creative about date planning and that was way better than him laying out a lot of cash and going into debt on some foolishness to impress me. I am impressed by fiscal responsibility.

Same. I'm a lot more impressed by fiscal responsibility than by expensive gifts from someone who has no business spending on them.