Estranged mother may need assistance soon

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was young, and while I've remained very close with my father, I've had to distance myself from my mother because she has been manipulative my whole life. Never cut off contact, but have kept her at arms' length, especially since I've had kids and I don't want them to be in the toxic environment that I grew up in. We have visits but they are relatively short.

My mother has made absolutely terrible financial decisions- like taking SS early for no good reason, blowing through her retirement savings on junk she doesn't need, etc. She's in her mid-70s and living alone but her health is deteriorating. Her income between SS and pension is only like $3k/year and her only asset is a 200k house, so there is no way she'd afford assisted living. DH and I do fine financially (maybe not for DCUM standards) but have three kids so while we save for our retirement and college, we don't have a ton of extra money lying around. If we paid for her assisted living, we certainly could not save enough for college for the three children.

We're at a point of deciding whether to offer to pay for my mother's assisted living, or to just let the system work and have her eventually end up in a Medicaid care facility. I'm curious to hear from others who have beeb in a similar situation, because I really have no idea what to do.

[Anonymous]

sorry $3k/month not year

[Anonymous]

I would let it play out. It's gonna be Medicaid either way, and sooner than you think. You can't afford non-Medicaid for the rest of her life, so you might as well have her in something that takes Medicaid from the get-go so she doesn't have to move.

[Anonymous]

What kind of assistance? Do you think she will need skilled nursing soon or is she at more of an assisted living level. Are you her POA? Does she have any other family who will help? Is she local? If not, where (generally) does she live?

[Anonymous]

Medicaid all the way. Do not deprive kids of college

[Anonymous]

I would not sacrifice my kid's college or my retirement for an estranged parent.

[Anonymous]

Medicaid bed regardless of it as once you pay the facilities can come after you financially. There are some income based placed. Some states pay for assisted living, some only pay nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Let the system work it out.

[Anonymous]

let it play out. 200k house+3k a month will cover a few years. her local authority on aging may have some programs to help low-income seniors, such as a few hours a week of an aide, and meals on wheels.

the reality is that any precipitating event that forces her out of her house will likely be paired with a downturn in health. my parents only lasted two years in private memory care despite being very fit and healthy before they became too mentally unstable to remain in their home. it's not linear.

[Anonymous]

Do not pay for it, let the system play out. You are going to have astronomical fees for your own care in old age. Also, one medical emergency and ongoing issue of your own, with your husband or kids can make financial situation much different. Let her get the care she can afford. Your visits help ensure she gets decent care. You figure out what you can handle and you can alter based on how she treats you. If she is nasty, visit less. If she is decent find the amount you can visit that you feel good about taking the high road, and not resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would let it play out. It's gonna be Medicaid either way, and sooner than you think. You can't afford non-Medicaid for the rest of her life, so you might as well have her in something that takes Medicaid from the get-go so she doesn't have to move.

+1

Also, you should NOT jeopardize your retirement and your kid's college educations. Even if you were on great terms with your mother. But definately when you are basically estranged. She made choices (blowing thru her money on unneeded items) the consequences of that is a Medicaid facility.

[Anonymous]

Medicaid. Otherwise, you could be paying for assisted living for 30 years. And the prices increase annually and when care has to increase.

[Anonymous]

How is this even a question????

Even if you loved your mother to bits, you DO NOT jeopardize your own retirement or kids' college education for the elderly.

Don't be stupid, OP.

[Anonymous]

medicaid and only medicaid

[Anonymous]

Medicaid does not pay for assisted living (except through waiver programs, for which there usually is a long waiting list).

Medicaid does pay for nursing home care but her mother would need to deteriorate to the point where she could qualify for that level of care.