S/O Push-Pull Dynamic

[Anonymous]

This is a spin-off from the WTF just happened thread, where the OP asked her guy during their romantic weekend whether he wanted to officially be her boyfriend and he said he’d think about it. Not surprisingly, drama ensued, with OP going quiet then saying nothing’s wrong, guy cancelling the trip early, then reaching out to OP to apologize, then OP apologizing to him, yada yada.

A poster said this is an example of push-pull dynamic and to get out because it will only get worse. So here are my questions:

I’ve heard the term push-pull as being a red flag, but want to understand why people do it. Is it an intentional manipulation (if so, for what purpose) or an unconscious reaction to something (if so, what)? Why would this guy be doing it in the OP’s case?

[Anonymous]

It's as simple as this: if the guy is really, truly into you, nothing will get in his way. Not his family, friends, work, long distance...nothing. If he's hemming and hawing, it's not going to work out. No matter how bad you want it or want to believe him. This is why so many people get divorced after 5, 10, 15, 20 years. Wait until you find the guy who will go to the ends of the Earth for you.

[Anonymous]

It’s the anxious-avoidant dance. Two people with insecure attachment trying to date. Doesn’t work.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the replies. Does the term apply to a situation that is intentional (a manipulation to get something - like the OP to keeping sleeping with the guy on the basis there might be a commitment, but there is no actual commitment), or not intentional (dysfunctional attachment style)?

If the guy is doing this on purpose he's a weirdo.

[Anonymous]

Disorganized attachment. It can feel manipulative except the person doing it usually thinks he or she is being genuine and just acting on honest feelings. The problem is that th honest feelings change depending on whether the other person is getting closer or moving away.

[Anonymous]

I briefly dated someone who behaved this way. He’d text All. The, Time. Then disappear for a week. Then say he wanted to get together. Then he was too busy. Then make plans for
Monday, flake, and say “Oops thought we said Wednesday!!!” Then when Wednesday came he said “Never enough time with you!!!” It was the final straw of course. Never understood what was in it for him to act like that.

[Anonymous]

My mother did it a TON with me and it's quite the mindf**k. Why? Because she had some Big Issues.

I'll give you one example: on one hand she'd tell me how having me around raised her blood pressure and she found me so difficult, etc. On the other hand she'd tell me how I wouldn't be capable on my own, I didn't know how to cook well, I would need to get a second job, I wouldn't be able to get a job in my field, etc.

So leave, but you won't be able to successful on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother did it a TON with me and it's quite the mindf**k. Why? Because she had some Big Issues.

I'll give you one example: on one hand she'd tell me how having me around raised her blood pressure and she found me so difficult, etc. On the other hand she'd tell me how I wouldn't be capable on my own, I didn't know how to cook well, I would need to get a second job, I wouldn't be able to get a job in my field, etc.

So leave, but you won't be able to successful on your own.

Sorry that sucks and does sound like Big Issues. My MIL is like that. It makes it easier to ignore when it’s not your own mother. My mother doesn’t even bother with the pull. Her view is the kids must come to her. She makes no effort yet my brothers all fawn over her. I’ve done quite well for myself despite this, and I bet you have too!

[Anonymous]

Best to not overthink it. That causes more problems than anything.

Also "red flag" is a major narcissistic idea, as it is a blanket way of judging people.

Everyone is an individual and cannot be "red flagged" with generalities and blanket statements.

[Anonymous]

https://www.freetoattach.com/

I dated a man for 4 months, mostly texting, who did the push/pull thing. I was extremely confused and found this website helpful. FWIW, once I finally got him to answer the "what are we" question (he said he wanted to be friends) and let him know I was done, he became the victim and got very upset!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I briefly dated someone who behaved this way. He’d text All. The, Time. Then disappear for a week. Then say he wanted to get together. Then he was too busy. Then make plans for
Monday, flake, and say “Oops thought we said Wednesday!!!” Then when Wednesday came he said “Never enough time with you!!!” It was the final straw of course. Never understood what was in it for him to act like that.

I spent THREE YEARS with someone like this - we'd started off so explosively attracted to each other, spending every second together. And then once a few months went by it was him pushing away in incredibly hurtful ways; then he'd pull me back once I'd started actually moving on; rinse and repeat. I was in my 20s and just didn't really know any better, even growing up in a home where my parents have a stable and good marriage. Oh it just about destroyed me. Even 25 years later, I still do miss the physical attraction - but am so grateful to be free of the rest of it.

I didn't have a name for this until this thread.

[Anonymous]

I think people who do this are DEEPLY insecure. They don't feel worthy of love deep down. They feel that they need to have the upper hand and be chased in order to feel loved/cared for. But they are smart enough to know that they can't always just push, so they do the pull occasionally to get you to chase them again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I briefly dated someone who behaved this way. He’d text All. The, Time. Then disappear for a week. Then say he wanted to get together. Then he was too busy. Then make plans for
Monday, flake, and say “Oops thought we said Wednesday!!!” Then when Wednesday came he said “Never enough time with you!!!” It was the final straw of course. Never understood what was in it for him to act like that.

I spent THREE YEARS with someone like this - we'd started off so explosively attracted to each other, spending every second together. And then once a few months went by it was him pushing away in incredibly hurtful ways; then he'd pull me back once I'd started actually moving on; rinse and repeat. I was in my 20s and just didn't really know any better, even growing up in a home where my parents have a stable and good marriage. Oh it just about destroyed me. Even 25 years later, I still do miss the physical attraction - but am so grateful to be free of the rest of it.

I didn't have a name for this until this thread.

This is OP. After I started this thread I went to google to try to find the answer of whether this conduct is intentional. I saw several incel videos where the guy is encouraging men to do this to women - to give them a compliment coupled with a put down. Or spend time together then ghost. Like how to make a woman crazy for you. When in fact such people are incredibly petty, immature and arguably crazy themselves for doing something so pointless.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I briefly dated someone who behaved this way. He’d text All. The, Time. Then disappear for a week. Then say he wanted to get together. Then he was too busy. Then make plans for
Monday, flake, and say “Oops thought we said Wednesday!!!” Then when Wednesday came he said “Never enough time with you!!!” It was the final straw of course. Never understood what was in it for him to act like that. [/quote]

I spent THREE YEARS with someone like this - we'd started off so explosively attracted to each other, spending every second together. And then once a few months went by it was him pushing away in incredibly hurtful ways; then he'd pull me back once I'd started actually moving on; rinse and repeat. I was in my 20s and just didn't really know any better, even growing up in a home where my parents have a stable and good marriage. Oh it just about destroyed me. Even 25 years later, I still do miss the physical attraction - but am so grateful to be free of the rest of it.

I didn't have a name for this until this thread.
[/quote]

This is OP. After I started this thread I went to google to try to find the answer of whether this conduct is intentional. I saw several incel videos where the guy is encouraging men to do this to women - to give them a compliment coupled with a put down. Or spend time together then ghost. Like how to make a woman crazy for you. When in fact such people are incredibly petty, immature and arguably crazy themselves for doing something so pointless. [/quote]

Right the thing is, the quality women with high EQ will drop them likes flies at the first attempt. Only younger women or those who haven't healed from trauma will fall for it.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I briefly dated someone who behaved this way. He’d text All. The, Time. Then disappear for a week. Then say he wanted to get together. Then he was too busy. Then make plans for
Monday, flake, and say “Oops thought we said Wednesday!!!” Then when Wednesday came he said “Never enough time with you!!!” It was the final straw of course. Never understood what was in it for him to act like that. [/quote]

I spent THREE YEARS with someone like this - we'd started off so explosively attracted to each other, spending every second together. And then once a few months went by it was him pushing away in incredibly hurtful ways; then he'd pull me back once I'd started actually moving on; rinse and repeat. I was in my 20s and just didn't really know any better, even growing up in a home where my parents have a stable and good marriage. Oh it just about destroyed me. Even 25 years later, I still do miss the physical attraction - but am so grateful to be free of the rest of it.

I didn't have a name for this until this thread.
[/quote]

This is OP. After I started this thread I went to google to try to find the answer of whether this conduct is intentional. I saw several incel videos where the guy is encouraging men to do this to women - to give them a compliment coupled with a put down. Or spend time together then ghost. Like how to make a woman crazy for you. When in fact such people are incredibly petty, immature and arguably crazy themselves for doing something so pointless. [/quote]

Right the thing is, the quality women with high EQ will drop them likes flies at the first attempt. Only younger women or those who haven't healed from trauma will fall for it. [/quote]

Good point!