Kid who can't take accountability for the smallest thing

[Anonymous]

Our tween DD does not seem able to take accountability for her actions.

Just a few recent examples off the top of my head:

DD is playing on iPad in the afternoon.
"Did you do your homework?" "Yes mom."
Later that night 5 minutes before bedtime, starts doing homework.
"You told me earlier you didn't have any homework, what's this?"
"NO I DIDN'T! YOU DIDN'T ASK IF I HAD [very specific type of homework]!"

DD has left food wrappers and dishes all over house and in her room.
"Can you please clean up these things?"
"They're not mine! They are my brother's!"
Ask brother to clean up. "No, those are definitely my sister's"
Confirm that the wrappers and dishes are DD's.
DD: "UUUGGGGHHH!!! THESE ARE NOT MINE!"

Knock on DD's door to bedroom to talk for a minute.
DD clearly does not want to talk and starts to close the door on me mid-sentence.
"[DD], please stop closing the door on your mom when I'm talking to you."
"I DID NOT CLOSE THE DOOR! I DID NOT DO ANYTHING!!"

The list goes on.... almost any small insignificant thing becomes a major battle, where DD gets defensive, can't take responsibility for her own actions, and becomes indignant and angry about her innocence.

Welcome any advice.

[Anonymous]

This is a really common trait in kids with certain kinds of neurodivergence. But also in teenagers in general. Has she always been like this?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think she's always been like this, but it's become more noticeable lately. I think in part because she's more emotional about it and escalates things more quickly and loudly. Not to mention she's now as big as me.

[Anonymous]

My daughter went through this phase. I talked to her about it, and she says it felt like I was always picking on her and ganging up on her.
So, I made an effort to praise the things she did that I wanted her to repeat. Every single thing, I made sure to thank her or point it out. No negativity. No pointing out things she missed. I just ignored the bad and focused on the good.
It worked for me.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this is what teenagers do. They lack accountability. Everything is everyone else's fault, all the time.

[Anonymous]

Some days I feel like my eyes are being permanently stuck in "that look." I can just give "that look" that says "you know you're way over the line" because if I start to talk it'll become an argument.

[Anonymous]

Geez, give your kids some room to breathe, OP.

DD is at an age where you should begin giving her some leash. Instead of asking "did you do your homework?" say: "remember to do your homework." It's her job now. As long as she gets it done in her own time, then no problem.

If she's starting it at bedtime, then let her learn the hard way that she needs to start it earlier in the evening. Maybe her bedtime is too early for her age. When was the last time you moved it forward? Update your parenting paradigm for the teen years. Give your kids the room and more responsibility to figure out what works for them.

--Mom of young adults who did the same things as your DD, and are now in honors college because they learned what works for them and did it all themselves

[Anonymous]

I'd just ease off on the constating consultation about her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome any advice.

Advice for teens with ADHD is applicable here.

Q: Why Does My Teen Blame Everyone But Himself?
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-teen-blames-others/

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need to hold her accountable and not take crap from her. My kids tried this behavior on me but it was a royal fail. They don't do it anymore.

Me: "please clean up this mess"
DD: "it isn't my mess. It's Larlos"
Me: "I asked you"
DD: grumble, complain, maybe shout
Me: "it takes everyone to run a house. Now you've just volunteered to [take on other chores] instead of [do something she likes]."

Just make sure you apply it equally across all children.

If Larlo chimes when she accuses him and starts arguing, then he is also obligated to help clean and get the same consequences for protesting.

I also say: "I don't care whose mess it is. I care that it's clean. I always do things for other people"

If you're firm handed a couple times and the consequences are real, then your problem and her attitude evaporate. You can also throw in a lecture about respect when appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez, give your kids some room to breathe, OP.

DD is at an age where you should begin giving her some leash. Instead of asking "did you do your homework?" say: "remember to do your homework." It's her job now. As long as she gets it done in her own time, then no problem.

If she's starting it at bedtime, then let her learn the hard way that she needs to start it earlier in the evening. Maybe her bedtime is too early for her age. When was the last time you moved it forward? Update your parenting paradigm for the teen years. Give your kids the room and more responsibility to figure out what works for them.

--Mom of young adults who did the same things as your DD, and are now in honors college because they learned what works for them and did it all themselves

I choked on your smug.

[Anonymous]

Kids often act like this when they have been shamed for past behaviors.

[Anonymous]

OP back. I'm pretty certain this is not just a phase... as one PP asked, the behavior has been there as far back as I can remember, but has become more noticeable lately. The neurodivergent comment really struck a chord with me.

I would really hate to see this behavior become so entrenched that it causes her troubles later in life. For example I see police videos on YouTube where young drivers are pulled over for routine traffic stops but they dramatically escalate the situation, and the language bears an uncanny resemblance to how my DD speaks. If there's a chance to shape DD, I feel like the time is now.

To the PP who wrote about giving DD some leash, you're making a lot of false assumptions about my parenting style, building up a scarecrow to knock down. That's not helpful here.

[Anonymous]

My 8 year old is like this sometimes. I think he perceives our efforts to help as criticism.

[Anonymous]

My 10 year old can be like this about some things and what I have found is the tone I use when approaching her really makes a difference. If she hears annoyance or anger in my tone, she will not respond well. Mine is more wrapped up in what I think is a sense of justice though. If she feels her side of the story was not heard or I jumped to a conclusion without getting all the information, she has a hard time backing down and can be very defensive.