Spouse makes broad personal attacks

[Anonymous]

Long time lurker here on DCUM. Been having some issues at home. My spouse (DS) and I have much in common, but also major differences in some key areas. For example with parenting, DS is permissive and I'm authoritative. DS tends to be stoic and bottle things up while I tend to express negative thoughts out loud. DS is often impatient and prone to jumping to conclusions while I'm more cautious and analytical.

Particularly with parenting style, DS seems to be developing more triggers these days. The other day, one of our teenagers was acting particularly disrespectfully (as many teenagers do), and had reached a point where I needed to discuss boundaries. When I'm in full parenting mode, I tend to project a large physical presence and also have a deep authoritative voice. DS appears to dislike this very much, and burst in the room demanding that I leave the teenager alone.

After that, DS laid it on very thick -- for example that I was a perpetual source of negativity over their life and I had come up with one excuse after another to justify my misery. Next was an ultimatum that I had stop my authoritarian parenting style or they would seek a divorce. DS then asked if I was going to hurt them, noting domestic violence statistics of spouses who feel they have nothing left to lose. I was totally flabbergasted, saying I was incapable of such, but DS doubled down that it was a possibility.

Now a few days later, there remains with DS a sense of self-awareness about how irrational they acted or how hurtful their sweeping ad hominem attacks were. Or possibly they are aware but remain self-righteous and unapologetic. I'm at a point where I'm reluctant to set off any new triggers. Further, I'm battling cancer -- mostly on my own as DS is very busy working and can't get time off -- and just don't have the energy to fight.

Welcome advice.

[Anonymous]

Sorry minor correct below in bold.

Long time lurker here on DCUM. Been having some issues at home. My spouse (DS) and I have much in common, but also major differences in some key areas. For example with parenting, DS is permissive and I'm authoritative. DS tends to be stoic and bottle things up while I tend to express negative thoughts out loud. DS is often impatient and prone to jumping to conclusions while I'm more cautious and analytical.

Particularly with parenting style, DS seems to be developing more triggers these days. The other day, one of our teenagers was acting particularly disrespectfully (as many teenagers do), and had reached a point where I needed to discuss boundaries. When I'm in full parenting mode, I tend to project a large physical presence and also have a deep authoritative voice. DS appears to dislike this very much, and burst in the room demanding that I leave the teenager alone.

After that, DS laid it on very thick -- for example that I was a perpetual source of negativity over their life and I had come up with one excuse after another to justify my misery. Next was an ultimatum that I had stop my authoritarian parenting style or they would seek a divorce. DS then asked if I was going to hurt them, noting domestic violence statistics of spouses who feel they have nothing left to lose. I was totally flabbergasted, saying I was incapable of such, but DS doubled down that it was a possibility.

Now a few days later, there remains with DS a lack of self-awareness about how irrational they acted or how hurtful their sweeping ad hominem attacks were. Or possibly they are aware but remain self-righteous and unapologetic. I'm at a point where I'm reluctant to set off any new triggers. Further, I'm battling cancer -- mostly on my own as DS is very busy working and can't get time off -- and just don't have the energy to fight.

Welcome advice.

[Anonymous]

When I'm in full parenting mode, I tend to project a large physical presence and also have a deep authoritative voice."

What does this mean exactly?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you sound like the one who is self righteous and unself aware. If your spouse feels physically unsafe around you, and you acknowledge that you can be loud and overbearing, why on earth would you act like they are unfair for bringing up their concerns?

[Anonymous]

First of all, this is almost impossible to read because you're trying to obscure genders so you're using DS which is official shorthand on this board for Dear Son. Plus your story doesn't obscure your gender at all so it's a pointless exercise.

You need to provide some detail to have any chance of getting real feedback. What you've written is that you were yelling at your kid for being disrespectful and your wife intervened, at which point she said she felt threatened by you too. It's possible she's nuts and you were just being a regular parent. It's also possible that you're nuts and you lose your sh*t whenever you "feel disrespected" even though your reaction is not warranted by circumstances.

The lack of detail doesn't make you feel very reliable as a narrator - without actually saying what happened (the behavior from your kid that triggered your reaction, your actual words to them when you were "being authoritative" not just the act of raising your voice), all you've put down is that you feel like you're behaving rationally and you feel like her saying she was frightened of you is irrational. Of course you feel like you're right and she's wrong. That's how disagreements work. But with zero facts to go on, you're asking us to tell you if your feelings are right and there's no way to do that honestly.

[Anonymous]

It means I'm a physically large individual for my gender who has a deep low voice that resonates more than average.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It means I'm a physically large individual for my gender who has a deep low voice that resonates more than average.

That doesn't make sense because neither of those attributes would only appear "when [you're] in full parenting mode". Just admit you like to physically intimidate your wife and kids, but you think they should see it as manly and authoritative, not threatening.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Just say husband or wife FFS. This was confusing to read.

Totally depends on what exactly you did in terms of discipline- you need to provide details. For all we know, you were cursing and slamming things around, yelling so loud you could be heard down the street. What did you say/do? It could be wife is being oversensitive but we don’t have enough details to know

[Anonymous]

The reality is I'm tall and overweight with a low husky voice. Spouse is below average height and has a high voice. We can both read the same script in the same setting, and I'm simply going to come across as more authoritative and serious, without any intent of being intimidating. Imagine having the Allstate guy or James Earl Jones lecturing your kids.

[Anonymous]

What’s a Dear Son Spouse?

[Anonymous]

Sorry it was one of my firsts posts and I misused "DS" -- thought it meant Dear Spouse (which was how I meant it) but realize belatedly it's Dear Son. I kept gender out of this because I'm not in a traditional relationship and didn't want gender perceptions to play a role in responses.

[Anonymous]

authoritative and authoritarian are two distinct parenting styles.

which do you identify with?

[Anonymous]

Help us out. How do you think your spouse would tell the same story? Regardless of if you think their perspective is irrational or wrong, you've given us a very obviously slanted description and we can't see past that. Try the thought exercise.

[Anonymous]

You need anger management counseling. Do you project a large physical presence at work? In the grocery store? Obviously not you would be arrested. You don’t need to do that to a teen. Find another way to derive your authority. Your spouse is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reality is I'm tall and overweight with a low husky voice. Spouse is below average height and has a high voice. We can both read the same script in the same setting, and I'm simply going to come across as more authoritative and serious, without any intent of being intimidating. Imagine having the Allstate guy or James Earl Jones lecturing your kids.

If you don't intend to be intimidating, why are you so resistant to change when your spouse says they're frightened of you?

I'm a woman, but tall and broadly built. My husband is about an inch shorter than me, but quite muscular. When we first started dating he would get really animated and loud in arguments and wave his arms around, sometimes even walk up closer than I felt was reasonable and talk directly in my face - not actively threatening me but also not reassuring behavior. I told him it scared me, he was completely shocked because in his mind he would never threaten me because he would never hit me, but he also NEVER DID ANY OF THOSE THINGS AGAIN. Your spouse is saying that you frighten them and you're saying "well that makes you crazy, I'm going to get my internet comrades to validate me and make zero changes to my behavior". You're more invested in being right and making no adjustments (because that would undermine you as a self-proclaimed authoritarian??) than your spouse feeling safe. Not a good look.