Spouse makes broad personal attacks

[Anonymous]

OP seems to be forcing the “gender perception” issue themselves by shifting the blame of their intimidating qualities onto being big, burly, loud, and having a voice like James Earl Jones. And of course, OP is the logical, rational, detached person and spouse is the emotional, irrational, histrionic one in this situation.

Sounds like old fashioned woman hate to me.

[Anonymous]

Here, here. Big boned fat people definitely need to learn to tone themselves down in order to avoid intimidating others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here, here. Big boned fat people definitely need to learn to tone themselves down in order to avoid intimidating others.

Oh please, GFAFB. When their spouse tells them they're afraid of them, it might be a good idea to tone down. You can be big boned and not a douche bag using your size to intimidate, and you know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the original poster. Been in a relationship with my spouse for over 15 years. I have never, and would never, hurt or intimidate my spouse or kids in any way. The thought is repulsive and absurd.

I included the points in my post because I wanted to underscore how irrational my spouse was behaving. My spouse had just finished watching the Lacey Peterson documentary on Netflix and just used the "D" word with me for the first time, and was afraid I was going to suddenly turn into some kind of Scott Peterson. It was totally crazy and had no basis in reality.

Well, your spouse is telling you that they're afraid of you. I'm sure your spouse thinks it's repulsive too, yet they told you they're afraid of you. Now, knowing that, what are you going to do about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the original poster. Been in a relationship with my spouse for over 15 years. I have never, and would never, hurt or intimidate my spouse or kids in any way. The thought is repulsive and absurd.

I included the points in my post because I wanted to underscore how irrational my spouse was behaving. My spouse had just finished watching the Lacey Peterson documentary on Netflix and just used the "D" word with me for the first time, and was afraid I was going to suddenly turn into some kind of Scott Peterson. It was totally crazy and had no basis in reality.

^ there it is. Your spouse tells you how they feel and you call them crazy, irrational, and they have no basis in reality. You are denying their FEELING as if they don't FEEL them.

You are blaming your spouse for their feelings, and denying it could ever be. But you've admitted you are big and intimidating. What do you see here about your behavior vs what you are saying?

"When I'm in full parenting mode, I tend to project a large physical presence and also have a deep authoritative voice. DS appears to dislike this very much..."

Since spouse doesn't like this, why do you keep doing it? Have you discussed it outside of the moment?

You also mention you have cancer and have no energy. Is your spouse afraid of you dying? Have you talked about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the original poster. Been in a relationship with my spouse for over 15 years. I have never, and would never, hurt or intimidate my spouse or kids in any way. The thought is repulsive and absurd.

I included the points in my post because I wanted to underscore how irrational my spouse was behaving. My spouse had just finished watching the Lacey Peterson documentary on Netflix and just used the "D" word with me for the first time, and was afraid I was going to suddenly turn into some kind of Scott Peterson. It was totally crazy and had no basis in reality.

I don't know what the "D" word is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help us out. How do you think your spouse would tell the same story? Regardless of if you think their perspective is irrational or wrong, you've given us a very obviously slanted description and we can't see past that. Try the thought exercise.

Spouse telling the story (starting at 2:45)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It means I'm a physically large individual for my gender who has a deep low voice that resonates more than average.

If you're a big, scary person, you absolutely have to take that into account when speaking to people.

My DH is very tall and intimidating, and even just slightly raising his voice terrifies people. If you've never been a smaller person in that situation, you don't really understand, but it's very scary to have someone much larger than you act intimidating.

Would you behave that way at work? No.

[Anonymous]

You both sound ultra stressed and that is going to result in a lot of actions and words you don't really mean. Give each other grace and find ways to de-stress the household

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reality is I'm tall and overweight with a low husky voice. Spouse is below average height and has a high voice. We can both read the same script in the same setting, and I'm simply going to come across as more authoritative and serious, without any intent of being intimidating. Imagine having the Allstate guy or James Earl Jones lecturing your kids.

If a dead guy was lecturing my son that would be the real issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s a Dear Son Spouse?

A serious case of incest!

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I don't like my DH doing "teen parenting" either, because his idea of parenting is also "big physical authoritative presence". I've also stepped in. Among the two of us, I'm the rational one. I'm rolling my eyes right now about your "full parenting mode". You're condescending about your spouse and should instead self-reflect about your own behavior. If your "full parenting mode" is about forcing your demands down family member's throats, you need to step back and figure out your triggers. Nobody should get particularly worked out about teenagers, we're the adults in the room.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP, you’ve got a lot going on, especially with the cancer treatments.

I think the Allstate vs James Earl Jones analogy makes sense.

However, your spouse has expressed that they’re deeply unhappy and you should listen to that. If you think they’re not narrating things honestly you should seek individual therapy to figure out the best way forward, but couples therapy may be needed too.

[Anonymous]

What exactly is “textbook authoritative parenting?” You need to give examples, as PP said or you we cannot give meaningful advice. It’s just not possible.

[Anonymous]

Your spouse is not looking to attack you. They are telling you how they feel - that they/kids feel afraid when you go into “full parenting mode”.

It doesn’t matter that in your head, you know this is an act & you would never hurt a fly. You are acting (physically intimidating, loud sharp voice) in the same way as men who do hurt others.

Can you try to regulate this mode, or are you so attached to it that you will choose this over a more harmonious family relationship?