Invasive MIL - two weeks pp
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Anonymous
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I've posted about my mil before she is super insensitive and invasive when it comes to asking questions and doesn't take hints of not wanting to talk about certain things.
While I was pregnant she would say rude things like why bother with a pump or sterilizing bottles you said you want to breastfeed. Its so easy just put baby on and they eat. I used to stand over my kids crib and I would just start leaking. It's not hard at all. On and on. It also doesn't help that I work in the birth and labor space and I know all the things and I'm struggling so hard. Too much to mention now but weepy and emotional that this might not pan out for me and baby. She's two weeks today and after a cascade of interventions at the hospital after a C-section at 38 weeks 5 days we are triple feeding/but she won't really latch unless it's with a shield/she's exhausted/minimal of any milk transfer. She can't open wide- tie and tightness. Poor girl. I'm pumping every 2-3 hours and only getting 1oz. Yesterday was a fluke and one session I got 2.5. but it usually takes me 60 min of on/off to get 30-50 mls. Since coming home Mil asks is she nursing? is she only getting breast milk? do you feel your let down? So she's only had breast milk? Has she had bottles? Over and over and over again. Every single time we've talked to them. I have admittedly tried to avoid m but once a week now she asks the same question about feeding. I don't understand why she can't just shut up about it or when we say yup she's healthy and growing she leaves it be. The first time DH saw me tearing up and covered saying everything is fine. She's eating and growing. But she insists well I didn't hear larla say it. She will ask me directly if I'm nursing and exclusively and if I'm feeling my let down all the time. We have just been lying and saying yup everything is great. Going well. It's exhausting. DH says she's just curious. But normal people don't ask this stuff. She's fixated on our feeding journey and it sucks. I already think about it 24/7. I know at some point they will have to visit and we will have to tell them no things aren't going well actually. TBH we planned to have them visit after 4 weeks but now I don't want them to come until we get feeding under control. But what if we never do? They come over and baby is on expressed milk/formula supps and I'm still pumping every 2hrs. I don't even know what to say at this point. I don't even want them here. I just already feel like such a failure I can't even feed my baby. And to have these questions asked with such judgement. And it is judgement. She also says stuff like well it can't be that warm to have her in just a diaper. Yes it is. We are doing skin to skin all day. Or she saw me doing suck exercise with baby on zoom and it looks like I'm just using my finger as a pacifier and she has to comment on well a pacifier would be better. And she did this with her kids and she was the perfect mom. And at the end of the day I'm just not. And we are only two weeks in |
Anonymous
| That sounds rough, OP, I'm very sorry you're dealing with it. I don't really have any advice for the long term, but in the short term, your DH needs to intervene STAT and head your MIL off. You need this particular problem off your plate. |
Anonymous
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OP do not be around this woman. If you must, your dh has to intervene and tell her the topic is OFF LIMITS. The end. If she starts talking about it, change the topic or end the visit.
I forced myself to pump and feed far longer than I should have and it took it's toll. It is not normal. Don't let your dh tell you so - how the heck would he know what normal women and their MILs talk about? From last time he nursed a baby? |
Anonymous
| She may be trying to help and what you consider pushy, she considers helping and she's asking so she can support the choice you make. OP, nothing wrong with formula. Don't fall into the breast is best thing. You cannot tell which babies are breastfed vs. formula. Try a mix for a while and let your husband do the formula feed, you do the breast. You being happy, sleeping and relaxed is best for baby. |
Anonymous
And, yes, normal people do ask. |
Anonymous
| She’s annoying but you are making everything harder for yourself (including handling her) by insisting on breastfeeding. At 2 weeks PP your milk supply isn’t going to increase. |
Anonymous
Thanks. I think DH and I went to everything is fine and lying about just breastfeeding because if we said anything else she would know something was up and I just couldn't deal with that convo. SIL had a really hard time and stopped around 4-6 weeks and MIL talked so much crap about now she never had a let down and she didn't try hard enough. She must not be maternal. Her own sister formula fed her daughter and MIL will still say crap like it's probably why niece has this and that issue. It was just easier to lie and avoid. But I do think I'll be napping when they make their weekly call or just tell DH to put if off. It's always video and they always want to know why the baby is sleeping. I plan it that way because if not I get asked why she's unhappy and fussing. There is no winning. |
Anonymous
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"MIL, I'm going to focus on the baby and getting used to being a family of three, so may not be available to chat as much going forward." And then .... don't talk to her, don't read her texts, emails, posts, ask DH not to tell you what she says or writes.
Just focus on your new baby and your health. Also, this is not a woman who will take a hint. Be direct. Being direct is not rude. |
Anonymous
I wish we had just said from the beginning but saying off limits or we are not discussing her intake would let mil know something was wrong and she would just pile on. She really can't take a hint. The first time she asked we said yep growing like a weed and changed the subject and she made a point to come back and say you didn't answer my question and I want to hear it from larla. Thankfully they don't live nearby but they are chomping to come visit and I just can't. They also won't respect if you come you can't be here alllllll day. They will want to sit in my living room holding my baby from sun up to sun down. And I just can't handle that right now |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm so sorry. I went through a similar journey trying to breastfeed and had the same feelings of guilt. I can't imagine trying to navigate those feelings while having to deal with someone like that. Have your husband speak to his mother setting very clear lines. If he won't set them, please stand up for yourself. You are tired and working through your own emotions. You don't need that bs as well. |
Anonymous
If I hadn't seen and heard her talk crap about my sil's bf journey I might try to believe she's being helpful. But it's more she's trying to prove something. We are supplementing with formula and donor milk and I can pump 10ish ounces a day right now. So it's definitely a combo. And we are still latching with a shield and before bed and naps. Just chugging away while we decide on the tie revision or any other interventions. I do need to sleep more.. |
Anonymous
This is not true. Some people's milk doesn't even come "in" until 2-3 weeks especially after a traumatic labor. Your milk regulates around 12 weeks but even then it's possible to increase. |
Anonymous
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Is your DH helping you navigate this? He needs to.
My MIL is lovely but even she was very weird about breastfeeding. She asked about it, sent me books, texts, and would ask about my own mom (who didn't breastfeed). This was all before I had the baby. It was a lot. I told my DH I didn't want to talk about breastfeeding around my MIL (unless I later decided I did, which I was open to, but I really never did). I didn't want to hear her say nipple one more time. He understood, and he told her in some kind of nice way that was no biggie, and I never heard another word. |
Anonymous
One ounce per pump at 2 weeks post partum almost certainly means she is never going to fully breastfeed or even appreciably increase the amount. Be realistic. OP will look back on this and regret it. |
Anonymous
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OP - the first 6 weeks of my now 10yr old’s life sound very similar. 38 weeks. Jaundice. He took almost month to regain his birth weight. It took 5 days for my milk to come in. We triple fed for 6 weeks. It was a rough month but I went on to BF that kid for 20 months.
I took fenugreek and ate oatmeal with walnuts and flax seed every single day. I ate the brewers yeast cookies. I did the Stanford Nicu breast massage every feeding and drank a ton of water. I took my baby to a Webster chiropractor near the BF center on K st and they barely touched my baby - and yet my baby went from only latching on one side and transferring poorly to latching on both sides when we got home from the appointment. |