A musing about mom's estate planning

[Anonymous]

As my mom has been doing her estate planning over the last months, my mom just informed me that when she does, 100% of her assets will go to my stepdad.

My stepdad has no children of his own, so in theory, when he dies (likely after her since he is 15 years younger), I (only child) will inherit what remains, but of course I know this is very likely not to be the case.

I was prepared for this information, and of course I recognize that this is my mom's right and her choice. I am a 40 year old adult who has been saving for my retirement for years, and am very capable of caring for myself.

What does irk me a bit is that my mom believes I will inherit from my stepdad and feels fully confident in that. When I mentioned that he will very likely remarry, she was offended and said she doesn't want to think about her husband remarrying after she dies.

I don't intent on letting this upset me greatly or letting it influence my relationship with my mom, but I needed a place for a light vent. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

OP, she does seem naive. I would push the narrative about him remarrying. I would add in a new baby and really drive it home. But that's just how I am She's being obtuse. And kind of unkind to her child. Are you an only?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. She wants to pretend he won't remarry and that your relationship with him is better than it actually is. It would be a kindness to try and let this go, but as a fellow stepchild I understand that this is very, very hard.

If he does care for her in her old age, maybe this is a good deal for you. My dad's wife is 15 years younger and has seen him through a lot of medical stuff. It seems fair for her to inherit since she did a very good job and if it weren't for her, I would have had to do it.

[Anonymous]

That would upset me as well but as you know it’s her decision. Is she getting any estate planning advice or just doing it on her own? One suggestion is that she set up a trust where your stepdad gets the trust income but you are the ultimate beneficiary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That would upset me as well but as you know it’s her decision. Is she getting any estate planning advice or just doing it on her own? One suggestion is that she set up a trust where your stepdad gets the trust income but you are the ultimate beneficiary.

\
This.

[Anonymous]

How old is your mother?

[Anonymous]

"It may upset you to think about Mom, but unless you set it up as a trust, neither of us have any way of knowing what Step-Dad will do 5, 10 or 20 years after you are gone. If you are ok with me getting nothing, that's your choice. If you'd like me to get *something* then you need to explore setting up a trust."

Say it once, then drop it.

[Anonymous]

If there are any bits of memorabilia that are important to you...say a pastel portrait of you at 9, a painting your mom did of a tiger, a ring promised to you...ask if she can put it in the plan. I never got those.

[Anonymous]

Forget the new wife, he could leave all his $$ to a political campaign or donate it to his church. I would convince your mother to talk to an attorney.

[Anonymous]

My dad remarried and she will get it all (several million). The reality is he is a terrible dad so no surprise. The one bonus is I don’t have to take care of him at all since she is around. I guess it is “worth it”, but the reality is that my dead mom is a huge reason my dad has all this money and she would be horrified. But, she did nothing to prevent it.

My husband and I have everything set up in a trust. Now, the reality is my husband will control the trust if I die before him. But our lawyer recommended a provision that either of us must get a prenup to keep access to the trust. It doesn’t dictate the terms of the prenup, but our lawyer said that requiring the discussion is super helpful. It means my husband or I cannot just avoid discussing how assets will be handled in a new marriage.

[Anonymous]

My mom died when I was 30. My Dad remarried 5 years later and everything went to his wife and her children, who were in their 40s when their mom married my dad.

They were married 10 years.

Yeah not bitter.

[Anonymous]

I am so blessed that my parents have engaged us in their estate planning. No “new” spouse for my parents would be included beyond a modest amount and the beneficiaries of their estate trusts are not part of my marital assets. So, if my husband leaves me he gets nothing of my parents sizeable estate.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. That is very naive of your mother. How old are they? It's one thing if they are 80, and her assets are just enough to sustain him through his expected life ... very different if they are 55 and he could feasibly marry again and have more kids.

Either way, please do ask your mom about any sentimental items that you may want. Ask her to call those out specifically, or even consider passing them along now if she's not using them, so they you can enjoy them while she's still here.

[Anonymous]

My Dad has been a workaholic my entire life. He is on his third wife (second one died, first was my mom), third wife has one son. My dad's second wife had a son, not his bio kid. My dad's grand plan is that his estate will be divided into quarters for all four kids (I have a bio sister). Stepmom is executor of the will. You following all this?

Nothing is in a trust. My Dad's current wife has had her son on the family dole since college. Paid for his grad school, the engagement ring for his girlfriend, will pay for their wedding and first house. My sister and I were not parented this way, nor did we expect it. I explained to my dad that as the executor of his will, stepmom can, and likely will, do whatever she wants with his estate. My assumption is that she'll leave it to her son.

Dad will hear none of it. He is convinced that they "feel the same!" about all the kids, which my sister and I objectively know is not true, and that's that. There is no further discussion about it.

This is what my dad needs to believe, that current wife shares his values. She's happy to let him think that. The kicker: she had him move their estate planning from his former financial advisor to an attorney she knew, who happened to be her son's godfather.

I get it OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. She wants to pretend he won't remarry and that your relationship with him is better than it actually is. It would be a kindness to try and let this go, but as a fellow stepchild I understand that this is very, very hard.

If he does care for her in her old age, maybe this is a good deal for you. My dad's wife is 15 years younger and has seen him through a lot of medical stuff. It seems fair for her to inherit since she did a very good job and if it weren't for her, I would have had to do it.

This is key, OP. You know how bl00dy expensive eldercare is? If your stepdad takes good care of your mother, and then uses the money for his own care, you won't need to disburse a penny. You can save it all for your own care.

Please bear this mind, and... act accordingly. No running off to spoon-feed her at the drop of a hat.