A musing about mom's estate planning

[Anonymous]

OP, this seems a little off to me.

Is your mother working with an attorney or estate planner over the past few "months?" If so, I am really confused as to why they haven't brought all this up with her.

I would ask her if they have brought up these issues. It seems unlikely that they wouldn't have.

And surely your mother is not so obtuse as to think her 15-years-younger spouse will spend the rest of his life alone? I know it may be upsetting for her to talk about, but facts are facts.

Last but not least, you are correct that your mom can do what she wants with her estate. As you noted, you are in your 40s and financially settled, so perhaps she feels her husband is the one who will be more in need when he ages and she is providing for him.

[Anonymous]

Women can be delulu. They see their female friends staying single after their spouses pass and think it will be the same for themselves. A widowed man will usually run off to marry the next woman he sees. OP’s mom is in denial.

[Anonymous]

I would think there's less money than you think, or that he's secretly much worse off than you think, and she wants to make sure he's got an adequate amount.

[Anonymous]

This happened w my (wealthy) grandfather. Left everything to his second wife who then left it to her kids (not his). My dad and his bros were cut out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dad has been a workaholic my entire life. He is on his third wife (second one died, first was my mom), third wife has one son. My dad's second wife had a son, not his bio kid. My dad's grand plan is that his estate will be divided into quarters for all four kids (I have a bio sister). Stepmom is executor of the will. You following all this?

Nothing is in a trust. My Dad's current wife has had her son on the family dole since college. Paid for his grad school, the engagement ring for his girlfriend, will pay for their wedding and first house. My sister and I were not parented this way, nor did we expect it. I explained to my dad that as the executor of his will, stepmom can, and likely will, do whatever she wants with his estate. My assumption is that she'll leave it to her son.

Dad will hear none of it. He is convinced that they "feel the same!" about all the kids, which my sister and I objectively know is not true, and that's that. There is no further discussion about it.

This is what my dad needs to believe, that current wife shares his values. She's happy to let him think that. The kicker: she had him move their estate planning from his former financial advisor to an attorney she knew, who happened to be her son's godfather.

I get it OP.

While I agree she should not be the executor given the conflicting interests, it’s not accurate that she can do whatever she wants. Not legally. She has to follow the terms of the will. You can sue if not.

[Anonymous]

100% of her assets might be $1 for all we know. It's possible she'd be broke and homeless if it wasn't for him. He may have spent a lot of his money and time caring for her. You leave all of this out.
My mom remarried and I want her to leave all to my step-father and/or siblings because I'm truly love them, and I need no money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom died when I was 30. My Dad remarried 5 years later and everything went to his wife and her children, who were in their 40s when their mom married my dad.

They were married 10 years.

Yeah not bitter.

This happened to my friend. Her mom died when she was in college. Dad remarried when she was around 30, when she also got married and had kids. When the dad died, he left everything to the new wife. Wife had a daughter so it is unlikely my friend or her siblings will ever get anything. It will all go to the stepdaughter eventually.

I don’t understand how these people think. Shouldn’t their own bio kids come first???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Dad has been a workaholic my entire life. He is on his third wife (second one died, first was my mom), third wife has one son. My dad's second wife had a son, not his bio kid. My dad's grand plan is that his estate will be divided into quarters for all four kids (I have a bio sister). Stepmom is executor of the will. You following all this?

Nothing is in a trust. My Dad's current wife has had her son on the family dole since college. Paid for his grad school, the engagement ring for his girlfriend, will pay for their wedding and first house. My sister and I were not parented this way, nor did we expect it. I explained to my dad that as the executor of his will, stepmom can, and likely will, do whatever she wants with his estate. My assumption is that she'll leave it to her son.

Dad will hear none of it. He is convinced that they "feel the same!" about all the kids, which my sister and I objectively know is not true, and that's that. There is no further discussion about it.

This is what my dad needs to believe, that current wife shares his values. She's happy to let him think that. The kicker: she had him move their estate planning from his former financial advisor to an attorney she knew, who happened to be her son's godfather.

I get it OP.

While I agree she should not be the executor given the conflicting interests, it’s not accurate that she can do whatever she wants. Not legally. She has to follow the terms of the will. You can sue if not.

PP. She has to follow the terms of the will, but my expectation is she will move and rename the assets. They will be divided “by four”, but decreased by an exponential amount. Please correct me if I’m wrong, because I would love to be. But I don’t think I am. And I wouldn’t know how to trace it all if I were to challenge the situation. Like many WASP families, we do not talk about money in detail. I am raising DD differently.

[Anonymous]

Similar story here. I get it OP. I did try floating the idea that when my dad died, his assets would go in a trust that his wife could live on, and then when she passed, it would go to his kids. He thought his wife would take offense (find a trust with a trustee too paternalistic) so instead he’s leaving everything to her.

It stings but it your mom’s decision and money. But it sucks, I know.

[Anonymous]

Will she definitely die before him?

She'd be wise to put her money into a trust. There are probably ways that she can ensure the money is directed to you. However, he could also drain a trust. Too bad she hasn't spoken to a lawyer who will fill her in on details to make her wishes come true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom died when I was 30. My Dad remarried 5 years later and everything went to his wife and her children, who were in their 40s when their mom married my dad.

They were married 10 years.

Yeah not bitter.

This happened to my friend. Her mom died when she was in college. Dad remarried when she was around 30, when she also got married and had kids. When the dad died, he left everything to the new wife. Wife had a daughter so it is unlikely my friend or her siblings will ever get anything. It will all go to the stepdaughter eventually.

I don’t understand how these people think. Shouldn’t their own bio kids come first???

People care more about the ones they are sleeping with.

[Anonymous]

Do you know how much there is? If she has say $100,000 I would let it go. Elder care is expensive and you have the peace of mind there is someone who loves her looking out for her. If he inherits some of that, then let him enjoy it. If we are talking millions of dollars, I would bring it up and ask about what advice she got. He should inherit some money if he manages her care and caregivers are very expensive as are residential programs.

In the end all you can do is gently bring it up and then if she stays in denial have your own boundaries. I would not start a fight. I would focus on accepting reality and enjoying the time you have with her, while also not using all your leave or risking your job to support her for medical emergencies. Let him be there and you help as much as you feel good about it without resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know how much there is? If she has say $100,000 I would let it go. Elder care is expensive and you have the peace of mind there is someone who loves her looking out for her. If he inherits some of that, then let him enjoy it. If we are talking millions of dollars, I would bring it up and ask about what advice she got. He should inherit some money if he manages her care and caregivers are very expensive as are residential programs.

In the end all you can do is gently bring it up and then if she stays in denial have your own boundaries. I would not start a fight. I would focus on accepting reality and enjoying the time you have with her, while also not using all your leave or risking your job to support her for medical emergencies. Let him be there and you help as much as you feel good about it without resentment.

I don't think OP can bring it up, and if her mom brings it up, OP needs to be polite, firm, and factual: "Mom, I'm not expecting to inherit anything from you, and that's fine. You raised me to look after myself, and I'm proud that I can do that. If there's anything left when Craig dies and he decides to leave some to me, that'll be a nice surprise, but right now it's your money to do with what you want, and eventually it will be his to do with what he wants."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It may upset you to think about Mom, but unless you set it up as a trust, neither of us have any way of knowing what Step-Dad will do 5, 10 or 20 years after you are gone. If you are ok with me getting nothing, that's your choice. If you'd like me to get *something* then you need to explore setting up a trust."

Say it once, then drop it.

I would include in this the possibility of dementia which could lead him to do things he otherwise would not.