Afraid to lose weight

[Anonymous]

I'm struggling with mental health stuff so please go easy on me. Going to try not to ramble but my thoughts are kind of everywhere. I have an autoimmune disease that affects breathing and muscle weakness. It's rare. My weight didn't cause it and it doesn't make things better.

Being fat has always been apart of my identity. I have a community of very confident fat, successful women. I tried going to therapy and I can't bring myself to talk about it because I feel shame. I want to lose the weight to improve my health and feel better. But every time I step on the scale I cry. At first I thought it was great and I tried to hype myself up I am very morbidly obese. I've just started doing the prerequisites to have weight loss surgery. My doctor says I have to get it because of the severity of my hernia. I have had a hernia for about 15 years and it wasn't an issue until now. It's causing me pain and my bowel is affected.
I don't know what is wrong with me. So far since the end of January I have lost 83 lbs. My family is happy and complimentary and I feel ugly and disgusted with myself.
I tried not weighing myself for several weeks and then I went to my doctor's appointment and the nurse excitedly told me I had dropped 40 lb since my last appointment. I started crying. Not just a few tears like really crying. She rubbed my shoulders and said that she was happy for me and so proud of me.

How do I get through this? After I have the surgery, I realize I'm going to lose a lot more weight and these feelings aren't going to go away.

[Anonymous]

Were you abused when you were younger?

I think you need to try therapy again, this is a very difficult situation and you need help to navigate it. Find a different therapist, and keep talking about it. You NEED to lose the weight, that’s not a question. Being miserable about it will affect you and your family. Therapy, maybe anti anxiety meds?

Good luck, op. I hope you find peace with this.

[Anonymous]

I was abused when I was younger. I was molested as a young child. I was physically abused by my mother. I was physically abused by her husband. I was raped by my first boyfriend. I was raped and beaten by my ex-husband. Lots of abuse. I have no problem with eating less and moving more. I have been doing that for the past several months and the weight is coming off. That kind of lifestyle does not bother me. Watching the weight come off is bothering me. It took a lot for me to write this post and to try to articulate how I'm feeling. Even now I'm tearing up writing this. I have no desire to be thin. I have no desire to be small. Even if the world is repulsed by my body. I love my body, I like myself.
I misspoke when I said bowel. My doctor said my colon has been affected with the hernia and my abdominal wall. She says that it's not life-threatening right now, but at any time it can become life-threatening and I will die. A regular surgeon is not equipped to take care of me at my size. So I obviously know what I need to do but I'm just sad. I am so sad. I feel like I'm losing my identity. I don't know if any of my rambling is making sense because I'm not sleeping well because I'm just so sad. My clothes are fitting looser. I can see it in my face. I don't feel like myself. I'm not even sure why I posted. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Therapy. I lost 150lbs and I'm totally grossed out by my smaller self. I hate it. Wished I'd never lost the weight. The only thing that makes it bearable is the i can now do so many things with my children.

[Anonymous]

I think therapy will be so helpful. You don't have to disclose anything you don't want to- just take your time with your therapist (I recommend a woman from your history), and remember that those sessions are meant to serve you and your mental health so go at your own pace.

We share some similar history, and it is amazing how those past traumatic events can shape our lives. You have overcome so much, and I hope you congratulate and love yourself for all that you have accomplished.

Significant weight loss can easily cause a shift in one's identity which can be its own trauma, but it sounds like it is a way you are showing how much you care for yourself in the longterm even though it is causing a lot of turmoil in the short term.

I could be completely wrong here, so disregard completely if it does not apply, but I have known survivors of abuse who use weight as a physical shield and means of protection- they try to take up more space in this world to not feel small and vulnerable as they once did when someone had unhealthy power over them and victimized them. Perhaps losing weight is like being stripped of your armor? Do you also worry you may lose your community of friends? That would cause most people a lot of emotional distress.

I think talking to a therapist or possibly a psychiatrist who specializes in survivors of abuse could help. You will get through this. You have already proven how strong you are, but I think you deserve support as you navigate this intense, transformative time. Sending you virtual hugs!

[Anonymous]

I don't mean this in a cruel way, but you need more help than internet strangers can give you. You have a complex issue that requires professional help. Agree with everyone who said therapy.

[Anonymous]

I agree with therapy and I think you also need to work on finding a new community. I am kind of reading between the lines of your post you might be involved the fa community? Once you lose the weight you may not be welcomed there and I could see how that would be a loss. So work on finding a new community to identify with.

[Anonymous]

Agree with those saying therapy. You have been through a lot OP, more than most, and you will be able to navigate as a smaller person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean this in a cruel way, but you need more help than internet strangers can give you. You have a complex issue that requires professional help. Agree with everyone who said therapy.

Yes, please. All that abuse has taken a toll on your brain and body. You need help, my friend. Try to get it for you and for your family.

[Anonymous]

You may find it helpful to read The Body Keeps the Score. It was very helpful for a friend who is now dealing with the effects of similar trauma and how unknowingly that translated to her body and life. She is also finding success with a therapist, therapy group, and psychiatrist. You don't necessarily need all those supports, but you definitely deserve some.

[Anonymous]

Eating disorders and body dysmorphia presents in many ways. I get it. It happened to me and even though I knew my thinking was disordered, I couldn’t figure out what was going on. A therapist who works with eating disorders might be a place to start.