"You're so ugly"

[Anonymous]

When I was a child, I would sometimes visit the house of my aunt's parents. This would be my aunt married to my mother's brother, my cousins' grandparents.

The grandmother was very sweet and offered us food.

The grandfather was funny. He used to say "You're so ugly," and we would laugh. I honestly think he was just joking. I grew up in a tough neighborhood. It was the 1970s, and kids were tougher.

Anyway, recently my aunt told me that I thought her father was just joking but he really did mean I was ugly.

I laughed. I said I had very high self esteem and must not have cared.

My aunt has some mental health issues. She is always talking about how beautiful someone is, particularly women and girls. She will watch TV and comment on someone's beautiful face and go on and on about how beautiful they are.

I find myself now unable to shake why my aunt would feel the need to tell me this, like she purposely wanted to hurt me herself. I am 54. Why does she think I would care what her dead father thought of my ugliness as a child? Couldn't she have kept that to herself? She is the one who thought and probably still thinks I am hideously ugly.

[Anonymous]

You’re 54 so your aunt is probably mid 70s at the youngest, likely older? Who cares, it’s probably just the ramblings of an old person who is losing their filter (at best)/showing early signs of dementia. You can’t confront someone like this either because they don’t see anything wrong with their behavior because they’re mentally compromised. Just ignore and maybe keep conversations with her to a surface level going forward, change the subject when she starts to go on about the past etc.

[Anonymous]

A good reply would have been to laugh and say "And everyone says I look like you!"

But the moment passed, so let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A good reply would have been to laugh and say "And everyone says I look like you!"

But the moment passed, so let it go.

I am related to her by marriage not blood.

My aunt has always been this way, so it's not she.

[Anonymous]

Being old doesn't entitle her to be mean and nasty.

[Anonymous]

You said she's mentally ill.

I would write off anything she says. Her father can't speak for himself anymore.

Sorry it got under your skin. I've had similar experiences.

[Anonymous]

"Eff you too, aunt Hilda!" Op, your aunt sucks. Young you had the right attitude...go with that.

[Anonymous]

He probably said those things to her too and that’s why she is fixated on women’s appearance. Or worse Told her she was pretty as a way to manipulate/abuse her.
Maybe he was joking maybe not but she wants someone to validate her trauma.

I would ask her if he was a difficult dad for her to have and if she felt like talking about it. Or if she’s a difficult person just move on and realize she’s fighting some inner demons.

[Anonymous]

I have an aunt like this. I learned to find humor in her social inability long ago. The last time I saw her we only spoke for a few minutes but she was sure to point out how grey my hair was. I replied “nice to see you too!” and pivoted the the conversation away from my looks. And then laughed about it with my family after she left. This is truly one of those situations that you can’t control, but you can control how much weight you give her comments. Sounds like she’s mentally off, don’t let her problem become yours.

[Anonymous]

You are wondering why a mentally ill person said something different from reality? You said you have high self esteem - use it to dismiss anything she says that YOU know to not be true and don't give her another second of your time.

[Anonymous]

The 09:27 poster above is on to something. It is possible that talking about women’s looks was a way to manipulate women in aunt’s family, and she’s been traumatized by that. Sometimes people deal with trauma by repeating traumatizing behavior. What your aunt said, OP, has everything to do with her state of mind, and has zero relevance to you.

(But what a b^%#*)

[Anonymous]

You are 54 years old and really care about this? Please get help if it is that serious to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was a child, I would sometimes visit the house of my aunt's parents. This would be my aunt married to my mother's brother, my cousins' grandparents.

The grandmother was very sweet and offered us food.

The grandfather was funny. He used to say "You're so ugly," and we would laugh. I honestly think he was just joking. I grew up in a tough neighborhood. It was the 1970s, and kids were tougher.

Anyway, recently my aunt told me that I thought her father was just joking but he really did mean I was ugly.

I laughed. I said I had very high self esteem and must not have cared.

My aunt has some mental health issues. She is always talking about how beautiful someone is, particularly women and girls. She will watch TV and comment on someone's beautiful face and go on and on about how beautiful they are.

I find myself now unable to shake why my aunt would feel the need to tell me this, like she purposely wanted to hurt me herself. I am 54. Why does she think I would care what her dead father thought of my ugliness as a child? Couldn't she have kept that to herself? She is the one who thought and probably still thinks I am hideously ugly.

She did want to hurt you, probably because of her mental illness. Just remind yourself that what she is saying is not true and is undoubtedly some projection about herself (like she feels ugly so she is trying to make other sfeel that pain).

I would treat her the way I try to treat every weird relative "Yes, Linda, you've mentioned that. I wonder if we're getting the rain they predicted?"

[Anonymous]

You could be evil. The next time she is commenting on how beautiful someone is on TV point out that is beauty is fleeting, someday they’ll be just as old and ugly as you.

[Anonymous]

She’s deeply insecure and was subjected to a super critical father, and as you note, she has some mental health issues. I don’t think what she said was about you, it was about her. And you probably won’t get a deeper answer than that.

We often talk about elders “losing their filter.”When someone’s always been kind of mean and it ratchets up, I see that. But sometimes I think we are watching them trying to process their trauma and experiences.