Narcissists who are very good at "therapy speak"

[Anonymous]

Is this the worst kind of person? I have someone like this in my life right now and it's infuriating because they *sound* self aware and even knowledgable about stuff like boundaries or not taking on other people's feelings but they manipulate everything to serve selfish purposes and then will condescendingly explain that things must be done as they say specifically because after all they are experts in human relationships and mental health.

Example: This person speculated to a number of friends and colleagues that I had an alcohol problem (based on literally nothing -- I rarely have more than one drink when I'm out because alcohol makes me tired) and when I confronted them about this later they used my upset about it to explain to me that I need to work on my "emotional regulation" and that it "seems like you struggle with criticism... probably because you need to work on self-compassion." But actually I was just justifiably irritated that someone I work with spread a false rumor about me to other people I work with that could damage my professional and social reputation.

I'd love to be able to say "oh no one believed them because they do this all the time" but they have other narc qualities like being very good at recruiting people to their point of view and surrounding themselves with approval-seekers who will support them in everything they do.

Anyway now I am doubly frustrated because this person is now gossiping about how I "flipped out" on them for "offering constructive criticism" (they didn't even bring their apparent concerns about my drinking to me -- I only found out about it later when others told me what was being said) and criticizing my "emotional regulation." And the thing is I know I had a big reaction to their behavior and it would have been better to play it cool and stay very calm but the reason I got upset is that what they did was such a majorly inappopriate and hurtful thing. Like it has real consequences for me if I get a reputation for being unstable or have alcohol issues at my job. So while I know I should have stayed really calm it also feels like their actions were designed to provoke an angry response specifically so when I got upset they could point at it and say "yes look how out of control she is."

Ugh how do you deal with someone like this.

[Anonymous]

I can barely read the above body of text but therapy with Abusers is a waste of time and money, and can do more damage.

Besides contorting and spitting back therapy-lese, they're all talk and kissing @$$ but zero action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this the worst kind of person? I have someone like this in my life right now and it's infuriating because they *sound* self aware and even knowledgable about stuff like boundaries or not taking on other people's feelings but they manipulate everything to serve selfish purposes and then will condescendingly explain that things must be done as they say specifically because after all they are experts in human relationships and mental health.

Example: This person speculated to a number of friends and colleagues that I had an alcohol problem (based on literally nothing -- I rarely have more than one drink when I'm out because alcohol makes me tired) and when I confronted them about this later they used my upset about it to explain to me that I need to work on my "emotional regulation" and that it "seems like you struggle with criticism... probably because you need to work on self-compassion." But actually I was just justifiably irritated that someone I work with spread a false rumor about me to other people I work with that could damage my professional and social reputation.

I'd love to be able to say "oh no one believed them because they do this all the time" but they have other narc qualities like being very good at recruiting people to their point of view and surrounding themselves with approval-seekers who will support them in everything they do.

Anyway now I am doubly frustrated because this person is now gossiping about how I "flipped out" on them for "offering constructive criticism" (they didn't even bring their apparent concerns about my drinking to me -- I only found out about it later when others told me what was being said) and criticizing my "emotional regulation." And the thing is I know I had a big reaction to their behavior and it would have been better to play it cool and stay very calm but the reason I got upset is that what they did was such a majorly inappopriate and hurtful thing. Like it has real consequences for me if I get a reputation for being unstable or have alcohol issues at my job. So while I know I should have stayed really calm it also feels like their actions were designed to provoke an angry response specifically so when I got upset they could point at it and say "yes look how out of control she is."

Ugh how do you deal with someone like this.

Depends on the person. I have a sibling like this so I have to be in touch regarding parent's care but, I am VERY careful and just try to match their energy. I think of them as a cousin and that helps.

[Anonymous]

This is toxic workplace behavior and should not be tolerated - can you take it to a superior?

[Anonymous]

Therapy is mainly made up bs for people who don’t want to do the hard work of confronting their own problems so it’s the natural place for predators to go to try and weaponize.

[Anonymous]

You report them to HR for harassment and creating a hostile work environment. This has nothing to do with narcissism. It's harassment, pure and simple.

[Anonymous]

Gray rock them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is toxic workplace behavior and should not be tolerated - can you take it to a superior?

I already discussed with my direct supervisor with whom I have a good relationship and she was like "don't worry about it -- I don't listen to gossip." Which is reassuring on one level but the thing is I know that others in management DO listen to gossip and the person spreading this gossip is also in management. There is no HR and something like this will be handled "ad hoc" which could mean anything -- there is no set procedure and I could ask for some kind of process for addressing it but there is no way for me to know in advance what that would look like. I also can't tell if my supervisor would support me or if she'd prefer I just drop it -- I sense she doesn't really like this person but also has to maintain a functional work relationship with them.

I feel very frustrated because I do like my actual job and the work I do with our clients. But the behind the scenes cultures is super gossipy and cliquey to begin with and now that I've been targeted by this woman I feel like it's going to be hard for me to feel comfortable there. People area also very social with lots of happy hours and workplace events but I am married and have a kid so I don't go to as much of that as others can (it's mostly single and childless people) so I also feel like it's easy for people to believe whatever about me because they don't interact with me that much outside of work but they interact with each other a lot.

It just sucks because I was so excited to get this job and think I'm pretty good at it and would not be able to do quite the same work elsewhere. But I feel like I have no recourse and now if I seek to have it addressed the line on me is that I overreact to things and am "emotionally immature" (and apparently have a drinking problem). This is made worse by the fact that I do cry easily so I am sure that in any situation where I had to talk about this situation I'd wind up getting teary and while I don't think that's a weird response to be badmouthed by colleagues I think it could be read as being over-emotional and just play into this same narrative.

I know I'm writing whole novels on here but I'm very frustrated with the whole thing and feel like this woman basically baited me into getting upset so she could be like "whoa this lady is nuts" and I walked directly into it. I guess I was naive and just assumed there was a baseline level of human decency that people in a professional environment would stick to. Thanks for reading to anyone who made it through these posts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You report them to HR for harassment and creating a hostile work environment. This has nothing to do with narcissism. It's harassment, pure and simple.

No HR and of the two people at the company that you would generally bring this kind of interpersonal issue to she is one of them and the other one is her close friend and roommate.

[Anonymous]

Sounds just like my Mom. It is exhausting and I refuse to take part in any of her BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You report them to HR for harassment and creating a hostile work environment. This has nothing to do with narcissism. It's harassment, pure and simple.

No HR and of the two people at the company that you would generally bring this kind of interpersonal issue to she is one of them and the other one is her close friend and roommate.

Then you find a new job. This place is toxic. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy is mainly made up bs for people who don’t want to do the hard work of confronting their own problems so it’s the natural place for predators to go to try and weaponize.

I don't agree with this because I was abused and neglected as a kid and have gotten good value out of therapy off and on over the years.

However I don't use therapy speak in regular relationships (definitely not at work) and don't walk around spouting therapy concepts to people like I'm an expert. Going to therapy doesn't mean you are a therapist now and people who think that have issues. They might need more therapy but more than anything they probably need someone in their life to tell them to stop it (a therapist will never just tell you to stop it -- you are supposed to figure it out on your own based on what you talk about in therapy but not everyone does).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You report them to HR for harassment and creating a hostile work environment. This has nothing to do with narcissism. It's harassment, pure and simple.

No HR and of the two people at the company that you would generally bring this kind of interpersonal issue to she is one of them and the other one is her close friend and roommate.

Then you find a new job. This place is toxic. I'm sorry.

You are probably right but I'm pretty sad about it.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who was a therapist and a narcissist and so she used this language. She was an awful person. In reality she doesn’t have a lot of friends but her Instagram therapy site has thousands of followers. I feel sorry for anyone who actually goes to her!

[Anonymous]

Do what therapy tells you not to do, crush a few toes as you step on them. Do not be gentle, be super direct, no manure sandwiches in your conversation. Start your response with “hey, did you just…” and say in no uncertain terms what the person did. Even better, send an email, so there is a trace, with a copy to your boss.