Divorcing Spouse Because They Won't Condemn Parents.

[Anonymous]

Is this common? I'm two inches from moving out because my spouse lets their parents sh&t all over me.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

What kind of abuse is he or she allowing to happen, OP?

And what personal resources do you have to get out of this relatively unscathed?

[Anonymous]

No. Why do YOU let people shit all over you? You have a mouth. Speak up. You have free agency. Set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Start by withdrawing from all interaction with them. If DH complains, say you refuse to be around anyone who disrespects you that much. Very bad example in front of any children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Why do YOU let people shit all over you? You have a mouth. Speak up. You have free agency. Set boundaries.

Some situations are dire, PP. Sometimes the wife doesn't have any resources to change things (such as changing the locks, if the husband turns around and gives keys to his parents) and when she protests, the in-laws just ignore it, knowing she has no power. There was a story like that once on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

I would imagine this dynamic bleeds into other parts of your lives. It's hard to imagine that you have a healthy, equal relationship but your spouse just leaves you to the wolves with their parents.

[Anonymous]

I did. There were many many other problems, but this was the last straw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Why do YOU let people shit all over you? You have a mouth. Speak up. You have free agency. Set boundaries.

It’s the spouse’s responsibility to shield their husband/wife and serve as a boundary. If your spouse doesn’t do this, it’s not good.

[Anonymous]

I've posted before about how DH and I nearly didn't get married because of his inability to have my back with his family. His extended family was far worse than his mother and father but, in essence, he was more comfortable with them being rude to me than the conflict it would cause to call them out.

I, of course, was hurt and outraged. We went to relationship counseling over it. Our relationship started while we both were living overseas and by the time we came back to the US, we were living together. So, I had no clue what I would be experiencing. We were 2 months from the wedding when, during counseling, I told him we would not be getting married and my plan to recoup deposits where I could. I was, absolutely, serious.

Now-DH got his head out of his a55 and we worked things out (great counselor) but it was a good 15 years before DH fully acknowledged/comprehended just how wrong and damaging his response was to our relationship.

We're in a good place now but I still harbor some resentment because he didn't really hold them accountable, he just avoided them - which is more, it sounds like, your DH is willing to do. I'd absolutely divorce over it. You deserve better. You have your own friends and family who love, like and want you around. Don't give your time to a55holes. You don't need them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this common? I'm two inches from moving out because my spouse lets their parents sh&t all over me.

This is unacceptable and disrespectful. Run away from this family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this common? I'm two inches from moving out because my spouse lets their parents sh&t all over me.

Either he attends therapy to learn healthy boundaries or you cut your loses before you have children.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have to spend any time with your in-laws?

I would only leave if my spouse objected to me absenting myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've posted before about how DH and I nearly didn't get married because of his inability to have my back with his family. His extended family was far worse than his mother and father but, in essence, he was more comfortable with them being rude to me than the conflict it would cause to call them out.

I, of course, was hurt and outraged. We went to relationship counseling over it. Our relationship started while we both were living overseas and by the time we came back to the US, we were living together. So, I had no clue what I would be experiencing. We were 2 months from the wedding when, during counseling, I told him we would not be getting married and my plan to recoup deposits where I could. I was, absolutely, serious.

Now-DH got his head out of his a55 and we worked things out (great counselor) but it was a good 15 years before DH fully acknowledged/comprehended just how wrong and damaging his response was to our relationship.

We're in a good place now but I still harbor some resentment because he didn't really hold them accountable, he just avoided them - which is more, it sounds like, your DH is willing to do. I'd absolutely divorce over it. You deserve better. You have your own friends and family who love, like and want you around. Don't give your time to a55holes. You don't need them.

Np. Same situation except we aren’t in a good place now lol.
I walked thru a field of red flags….
I should have divorced. I still should….
It’s a huge boundary red flag issue when your spouse doesn’t view you as the team, the one he chose. I have said countless times to mine- you’d rather get mad at me for pointing out the conflict than them for causing it…

I didn’t have the courage to leave. I still don’t.

[Anonymous]

DP and I have a slightly different perspective that I feel is important to acknowledge and that is that often what attracts us to our spouse can also be the Achilles heel if we allow it to be.
If you are honest, OP, you were probably attracted to your DH’s easygoing nature and aversion to conflict—when it came to you. His non-confrontational style probably meshed well with your own direct assertiveness.
But this trait (that is attractive to you in a mate) is not useful in terms of his ability/willingness to stand up in support of you to his parents.
It might help your relationship for you to develop empathy to this fact and first recognize the challenge that it poses to his entire way of being in the world. It may not be that he doesn’t care. He just isn’t “built” that way and you knew this when you chose him. So it may take time and patience on your part if you expect him to handle this conflict or set this boundary with in-laws.