Divorcing Spouse Because They Won't Condemn Parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DP and I have a slightly different perspective that I feel is important to acknowledge and that is that often what attracts us to our spouse can also be the Achilles heel if we allow it to be.
If you are honest, OP, you were probably attracted to your DH’s easygoing nature and aversion to conflict—when it came to you. His non-confrontational style probably meshed well with your own direct assertiveness.
But this trait (that is attractive to you in a mate) is not useful in terms of his ability/willingness to stand up in support of you to his parents.
It might help your relationship for you to develop empathy to this fact and first recognize the challenge that it poses to his entire way of being in the world. It may not be that he doesn’t care. He just isn’t “built” that way and you knew this when you chose him. So it may take time and patience on your part if you expect him to handle this conflict or set this boundary with in-laws.

20:03 here. What you've described fits me and my DH. I come from a very volatile, dysfunctional family of origina and was/am definitely drawn to DH's easygoing nature and aversion to conflict. Yet, I also really needed him to see that his family had their own dysfunction and that I was the target. It's not just that everyone deserves healthy relationships, I had worked really hard to overcome my background and he was expecting me to willingly and meekly go back into dysfunction and disrespect. I didn't need them to like me but, now that I had a choice, I would not accept it.

It was tough and I can't say enough good things about the counselor we worked with. We came to agreement that I would not attend any of his extended family events. I didn't care what, if any, excuse DH gave to them but that I would not lie (or confirm his lies) about why I did not attend. We had a very small wedding so there wasn't much drama with who did/did not get invited but I did insist that one person in particular not be invited.

After we had kids, a few extended olive branches and I, cautiously, accepted. I still, however, would not go to larger, extended family events except weddings, funerals, etc. As the older generation died off, things got a lot better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've posted before about how DH and I nearly didn't get married because of his inability to have my back with his family. His extended family was far worse than his mother and father but, in essence, he was more comfortable with them being rude to me than the conflict it would cause to call them out.

I, of course, was hurt and outraged. We went to relationship counseling over it. Our relationship started while we both were living overseas and by the time we came back to the US, we were living together. So, I had no clue what I would be experiencing. We were 2 months from the wedding when, during counseling, I told him we would not be getting married and my plan to recoup deposits where I could. I was, absolutely, serious.

Now-DH got his head out of his a55 and we worked things out (great counselor) but it was a good 15 years before DH fully acknowledged/comprehended just how wrong and damaging his response was to our relationship.

We're in a good place now but I still harbor some resentment because he didn't really hold them accountable, he just avoided them - which is more, it sounds like, your DH is willing to do. I'd absolutely divorce over it. You deserve better. You have your own friends and family who love, like and want you around. Don't give your time to a55holes. You don't need them.

Np. Same situation except we aren’t in a good place now lol.
I walked thru a field of red flags….
I should have divorced. I still should….
It’s a huge boundary red flag issue when your spouse doesn’t view you as the team, the one he chose. I have said countless times to mine- you’d rather get mad at me for pointing out the conflict than them for causing it…

I didn’t have the courage to leave. I still don’t.

20:03 here. If you're not able (for whatever reason) to leave, then establish boundaries like I did. One year, when I found out someone on my "verboten" list was going to be at a family gathering, I didn't go. Another time, someone showed up and I left shortly there after. I never attended a family event without some means to escape on my own. Was it easy? No, but it did get easIER over time. You can only control yourself and your reactions. I'm now post-menopausal and am out of Fs to give. That also helps and I wish I'd given them up sooner! Hugs.

[Anonymous]

My wife must have the easiest in laws ever lol. My parents love her so much that she can do no wrong. As far they are concerned if there any issues I must be the one at fault. When they visit they don't take up her space at all. And she equally loves them as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife must have the easiest in laws ever lol. My parents love her so much that she can do no wrong. As far they are concerned if there any issues I must be the one at fault. When they visit they don't take up her space at all. And she equally loves them as well.

Helpful post. Here's your cookie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife must have the easiest in laws ever lol. My parents love her so much that she can do no wrong. As far they are concerned if there any issues I must be the one at fault. When they visit they don't take up her space at all. And she equally loves them as well.

Helpful post. Here's your cookie.

Prefer a beer

[Anonymous]

If my husband didn’t stand up for me against his parents I wouldn’t be with him. I learned this before I married him though.

[Anonymous]

How the heck did you even marry this guy without knowing what his parents were like?