Sister-In-Law: I don't get along with her...any advice?

[Anonymous]

I really can't stand my sister-in-law, but I always act like everything is okay when I am around her, but inside I am totally stressed. I have 2 daughters and my sister-in-law has two daughters - all around the same age. I really want to visit my nieces in NY and have my daughters play with them, but I really don't want to be around my sister-in-law. Any advice? Should I just suck it up? Should I not go?

[Anonymous]

She probably feels the same - uncomfortable around you but wants the kids to play and get to know one another. So go and offer to supervise while encouraging her to take the night off and go out with friends or to an adult dinner.

[Anonymous]

OP, doubt she feels the same. Ignore the troll. Some people are territorial (SIL) and don't want new people in the family. Very primitive, and not very socially sophisticated. Probably not sophisticated on any level

My SIL has to have everything done for her. She is really quite lazy. In fat, most of the family is quite lazy except DH. Just ignore SIL, take turns with the kids, and don't take it personally.

I know my SIL doesn't have many friends (just her sister and her sister's friends - other SIL), so that is telling. MY SIL does not get along with most people, even at the professional level. It is likely not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, doubt she feels the same. Ignore the troll. Some people are territorial (SIL) and don't want new people in the family. Very primitive, and not very socially sophisticated. Probably not sophisticated on any level

My SIL has to have everything done for her. She is really quite lazy. In fat, most of the family is quite lazy except DH. Just ignore SIL, take turns with the kids, and don't take it personally.

I know my SIL doesn't have many friends (just her sister and her sister's friends - other SIL), so that is telling. MY SIL does not get along with most people, even at the professional level. It is likely not you.

Everytime a PP doesn't like another PP's post Troll is accused? You're in for a big surprise, family members tend to be much like each other. In time, you may find that your husband is also quite lazy. I can easily understand why your SIL doesn't like you. Does anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, doubt she feels the same. Ignore the troll. Some people are territorial (SIL) and don't want new people in the family. Very primitive, and not very socially sophisticated. Probably not sophisticated on any level

My SIL has to have everything done for her. She is really quite lazy. In fat, most of the family is quite lazy except DH. Just ignore SIL, take turns with the kids, and don't take it personally.

I know my SIL doesn't have many friends (just her sister and her sister's friends - other SIL), so that is telling. MY SIL does not get along with most people, even at the professional level. It is likely not you.

Everytime a PP doesn't like another PP's post Troll is accused? You're in for a big surprise, family members tend to be much like each other. In time, you may find that your husband is also quite lazy. I can easily understand why your SIL doesn't like you. Does anyone?

Yes, I can see why her SIL doesn't like her. Sometimes posts are pretty revealing.

My SIL: We are oil and water. We get along fine, but we have nothing in common. I don't have any great advice. I wish I could have a SIL that I was close to -- but my SIL probably wishes the same thing!

[Anonymous]

Hang out with her for the children's sake. I'm sure you've faked it with annoying colleagues, etc., before. Also better oil and vinegar than one who's an outright bitch!

[Anonymous]

Keep it short and sweet, have your own place to stay. Plan activities for all the kids so you aren't just staring at each other feeling uncomfortable. Then go home.

[Anonymous]

Be a grown up and look to find what's good in her.

Do you just not like her, or is she an awful person? Sounds like she's a perfectly fine person from your post, in which case, the advice is suck it up and remember it isn't about you.

I have nothing in common with mine, either. We find a way and focus on the kids. I don't always like her parenting choices, but since the kids seem to be turning out quite lovely, I keep my own counsel because it would be really obnoxious to do otherwise (and would say more about me than about her parenting). I think she could probably write the same post about me. We don't have to be buddies.

[Anonymous]

I can't stand my sil either! I am glad that I am not alone. She is a gold digging b*tch who would leave my brother in a second if she didn't need his money so bad. I know that I should take the high road, but I honestly can't even look at her.

[Anonymous]

okay, so i like my SIL, so maybe I shouldn't post. But...I can still relate. My SIL and I are nothing alike! When I first met her, I also thought she was a bit territorial. I was frankly a little bit unsure of how to feel about how close she was with my husband (is that revealing about my insecure personality or what?). But you know what I mean -- inside jokes that didn't get explained, she mentioned the ex-girlfriend a few times, etc, and DH was SUPER tight with person with whom I just could not seem to connect.

On top of that, MIL and SIL are very much alike in many ways. I love my MIL, too, but there were a few episodes of what felt a lot like "scheming" early on; hard to give good examples, but things like birthdays were something they cooked up and sort of tried to strong-arm everyone into doing their way, even if nobody else was into it.

So I was a bit taken aback, because I knew I was going to be part of this family. I personally didn't really feel that urge to get too close to them, though, because they weren't like me, and I felt annoyed half the time I WAS with them.

Fast forward a few years. We had a few skirmishes over the years. The first few were passive aggressive travesties of non-communication, both on their part and mine (but they started it, of course!), that resulted in my husband being kind of aghast at their behavior. He was upset, I was upset, the family was upset, so I figured that it takes two to be passive aggressive. I just stopped doing that. Anytime I was annoyed, I didn't run to DH about it but just brought up the issue. STraight up. As kindly but straight-forwardly as I could. Then got over it. I instituted a "no holding grudges" rule with myself and have strictly held myself to it. I also made a huge effort to watch what I said. I had a natural birth, and SIL and MIL, when I first got pregnant, were telling me about how great epidurals are, and how I'd change my mind. I decided this was only going to be a fight if I let it be. When I had my natural birth, I resisted the urge to "gloat" or tell them they were wrong. To my surprise, they asked about it, and now "brag" about it to their friends.

The more I've opened up to my SIL, the more I realize that we are more alike than I realized. While we are not the kind of people who would have been friends otherwise, I love her and really enjoy the person that she is. I think of it as an opportunity to get to know someone who is outside my normal "type" of friend. It took a ton of effort! She loves things like Disney and I love to mock those things. Getting to know her made me realize that I don't have to relate to Disney to relate to her. But i do have to stop mocking something just because i don't get it (which we should all do anyway).

Now, even though my SIL is very different from me, I can tell her anything. She's my family -- you don't get to p;ick them, so you can either make the most of it or tolerate them. Maybe it's just me, but I think making the most of it is MUCH more fun.

[Anonymous]

I would suck it up, because I see my SIL about once every 2 years, if that. Older, cleverer and ruthlessly efficient, my SIL probably looks down on immature stay-at-home little me! But I don't care, even when she openly criticizes my parenting and life choices, such as eating organic, because DH backs me up.
Ultimately, her opinion does not matter to me, and having her children interact with mine is much more important than a little friction between us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep it short and sweet, have your own place to stay. Plan activities for all the kids so you aren't just staring at each other feeling uncomfortable. Then go home.

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Limit contact as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Limit contact as much as possible.

This is what I do - but the contact that is made is by me. I want to know that I made the effort - despite the fact that I don't like SIL... and to address the aforementioned issue, I can bet SIL doesn't like me. I agree that because families have at least some common values, the SIL may not like you either. (Sorry, but true.)
For a point of comparison, my SIL has never touched my 1 yr. old and hasn't spoken (directly to me) in years. She doesn't speak to many people, so at least I am not singled out.
And I also suspect that she is a bitter b$tch for reasons older than our relationship. Too bad for her.

[Anonymous]

I love my sisters-in-law (have 4 of them), yet we are all very, very different. Just find some common ground - kids are a great place to start. Hopefully you will be in each other lives for a very long time and having cousins the same age is wonderful for your kids!

We dont get to choose our families so we have to find a way to make it work. Be patient with her, be tolerant of the characteristics you dont like. Unless she is a total bitch and genuinely mean, figure it out.