Do I HAVE to go visit and when?

[Anonymous]

I've posted before about stubborn parents cross-country and all the hell it has brought me. I tried and tried to get them to move back where family was, and they chose to stay and financially support a sibling, who lived there rent-free for decades. Dad passed, leaving a crisis, which husband and I helped bail them out of (we were paid back) so my mother could go to assisted living. Fast forward almost a year; sister is re-established on her own and doing great (she's SO much happier and I could not be more proud of the hard work she's done. And she DID take good care of my parents while there, and yes, we did help all of of them for a bit financially). Mom is in her second assisted living because her needs have grown and she is now wheelchair-bound (lots of it is panic over fear of falling, but that's a whole other issue).

I have plans to go visit for a week or two shortly. Haven't told my mother yet. My little dog is old and has been off his game food-wise. I'm taking him in to vet Monday (he's eating, just being picky). To be honest, I'd rather say home with the dog and not go if he's not well. He's very attached to me and while my husband will take great care of him, he will definitely be depressed while I am gone. Dog cannot fly with me per vet, given his health issues. To be honest, if he passed over the winter, I would have already been in the car driving cross-country and staying for a month or two. It really IS all about the dog because our other one had to be put to sleep (cancer) while I was out helping with a previous crisis (there have been many) and I don't want that to happen again. Broke my heart the first time and can't have a repeat. When it's his time, I want him to go out at home with me holding him, if at all possible.

I'm tired of going out there, having to spend $$ on airfare, car, hotel, etc. It's a minimum 2K a trip. My mother always says she wants to come back with me and I would LOVE to have her in assisted living here. I don't care if I have to be over there every day for part of the day - she's not hard to be around. My job is flexible. But she's now saying she's afraid 'they will drop her when they transfer her to her first-class seat'. (Yes, I plan to make this trip easy for her). She's afraid of everything and that's tiring and stopping all progress. It's been like this for years. I'm taking this trip hoping my presence will encourage her to fly home with me, since my father has now passed. I have done my homework already about where she could live in this area.

In short, at what point do I just say "sorry, I'll face time unless you are committed to coming back as I am missing too much of my own life here"?

[Anonymous]

Having witnessed this many times in my family, at some point I think you have to let go of the I told you so feeling. You're right. But it's too late. And they're your parents. You don't need to sacrifice everything, but regular visits do matter. Please don't drop them entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having witnessed this many times in my family, at some point I think you have to let go of the I told you so feeling. You're right. But it's too late. And they're your parents. You don't need to sacrifice everything, but regular visits do matter. Please don't drop them entirely.

OP here. Emotionally I feel like this as well. Regular visits are impossible due to cost - cold hard reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having witnessed this many times in my family, at some point I think you have to let go of the I told you so feeling. You're right. But it's too late. And they're your parents. You don't need to sacrifice everything, but regular visits do matter. Please don't drop them entirely.

OP again. And it's not too late. She's healthy enough to fly and would get better care here and a lot more support. Father has passed and my mother now has money from sale of the house. If she wants to stay, that's fine too. I'm at peace with that. But I can't break our budget to accommodate this anymore.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you put your dog in the car and drive out to visit your mom? Alternatively, how about a short 2-3 day visit where you fly in and out?

I have dogs and love them dearly, but this seems like you're putting up roadblocks to avoid a hard visit.

[Anonymous]

When my mom was in assisted living and required a ton of my time, a work colleague said "you might resent the time you spend with your mom, but you won't regret it". That ended up true for me. Now that she is gone, I think of the weird times in her assisted living where we listened to a podcast or I read to her. I definitely do not regret it.

[Anonymous]

Hire a geriatric social worker or case manager to check in on them and you can facetime with her/him and facetime with your parents on a regular basis. Yes, go out and see your parents some, but you can decrease visits by hiring a professional. To be honest, the professional will be more efficient. The person has the training to know what is going on what is needed and is usually much better at convincing elderly to allow help, etc.

I totally disagree with the whole "you might resent the time you spend with your mom, but you won't regret it." I regret it. It did a lot of damage to my physical and mental health. I wish I had hired a professional much sooner and I am still dealing with serious health issues. I think I could still have loving feelings toward her despite her terrible behavior if I had stepped back sooner and allowed the professionals to take over everything.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are ALL over the place, geez. So, how many times do you fly there a year? How many? Make a general plan. 4 times a year. 2 times a year. She is NOT moving/flying home with you. You are not GOD. You do not know what will happen to your dog and besides your DH is there. Why would you go to your Mom or a whole week -- or 2 !! when you don't like it? And what's with the crazy talk of driving cross country for a month. Get your head together. Decide on a general schedule that you can manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire a geriatric social worker or case manager to check in on them and you can facetime with her/him and facetime with your parents on a regular basis. Yes, go out and see your parents some, but you can decrease visits by hiring a professional. To be honest, the professional will be more efficient. The person has the training to know what is going on what is needed and is usually much better at convincing elderly to allow help, etc.

I totally disagree with the whole "you might resent the time you spend with your mom, but you won't regret it." I regret it. It did a lot of damage to my physical and mental health. I wish I had hired a professional much sooner and I am still dealing with serious health issues. I think I could still have loving feelings toward her despite her terrible behavior if I had stepped back sooner and allowed the professionals to take over everything.

Wanted to add, you are in control here. They made the decision not to move and not plan more. They don't get to dictate how you help. You don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Figure out your boundaries. look into options. If you can't afford a geriatric manager, at least see if APS can check on them on a regular basis or when concerns arise.

[Anonymous]

The dog is an excuse, OP, and you know it. It's OK to recognize you don't want the travel hassle for someone who hasn't been making the right decisions with her life.

If you truly think your mother and yourself would be better off if she was closer to you... then you need to make it happen. Just present it as a fait accompli. "Mom, I chose Y place near my house, and I'm moving you in on X date. You're going to love it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've posted before about stubborn parents cross-country and all the hell it has brought me. I tried and tried to get them to move back where family was, and they chose to stay and financially support a sibling, who lived there rent-free for decades. Dad passed, leaving a crisis, which husband and I helped bail them out of (we were paid back) so my mother could go to assisted living. Fast forward almost a year; sister is re-established on her own and doing great (she's SO much happier and I could not be more proud of the hard work she's done. And she DID take good care of my parents while there, and yes, we did help all of of them for a bit financially). Mom is in her second assisted living because her needs have grown and she is now wheelchair-bound (lots of it is panic over fear of falling, but that's a whole other issue).

I have plans to go visit for a week or two shortly. Haven't told my mother yet. My little dog is old and has been off his game food-wise. I'm taking him in to vet Monday (he's eating, just being picky). To be honest, I'd rather say home with the dog and not go if he's not well. He's very attached to me and while my husband will take great care of him, he will definitely be depressed while I am gone. Dog cannot fly with me per vet, given his health issues. To be honest, if he passed over the winter, I would have already been in the car driving cross-country and staying for a month or two. It really IS all about the dog because our other one had to be put to sleep (cancer) while I was out helping with a previous crisis (there have been many) and I don't want that to happen again. Broke my heart the first time and can't have a repeat. When it's his time, I want him to go out at home with me holding him, if at all possible.

I'm tired of going out there, having to spend $$ on airfare, car, hotel, etc. It's a minimum 2K a trip. My mother always says she wants to come back with me and I would LOVE to have her in assisted living here. I don't care if I have to be over there every day for part of the day - she's not hard to be around. My job is flexible. But she's now saying she's afraid 'they will drop her when they transfer her to her first-class seat'. (Yes, I plan to make this trip easy for her). She's afraid of everything and that's tiring and stopping all progress. It's been like this for years. I'm taking this trip hoping my presence will encourage her to fly home with me, since my father has now passed. I have done my homework already about where she could live in this area.

In short, at what point do I just say "sorry, I'll face time unless you are committed to coming back as I am missing too much of my own life here"?

Don't leave your old dog!

[Anonymous]

OP. I remember your posts. Own the fact that every member of your family who isn't making all the decisions you would have them make is a burden to you. Stop hiding behind your dog. You don't want the hassle of seeing your mother, so don't.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother developed severe anxiety/PTSD after falling. Is your mom receiving any treatment around her fear? I’m sure you know the more sedentary she is, the worse it is for her mind and body. And the toll on her mental health is serious. She’s going to need PT/OT for the deconditioning as well.

I don’t really know what to say about the dog. as a dog person myself, I completely understand your feelings. At the same time, it would break me not to be there for my loved one.

Ultimately I think the answer is moving your mom. Xanax for the airport and trip, and you or sister fly with her.

[Anonymous]

If her main fear is that the airline will drop her, could you not just hire a person to travel with you to assist with the transfer? Airline employees are trained to assist (as required by federal law), but they are not perfect.

(I work for the airlines, and this is a common for families to have someone (apart from just the family) who travels with the disabled person, to assist them during the journey. That's especially true if this is a one-time thing, and not a regular occurrence.)

[Anonymous]

I think you need to arrange the move, and ask her doctor for an anxiety med that she can use for a few weeks leading up with it. And hiring a travel aide may be well worth it.

Sometimes the cheapest way to pay for things is with money.