Do I HAVE to go visit and when?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If her main fear is that the airline will drop her, could you not just hire a person to travel with you to assist with the transfer? Airline employees are trained to assist (as required by federal law), but they are not perfect.

(I work for the airlines, and this is a common for families to have someone (apart from just the family) who travels with the disabled person, to assist them during the journey. That's especially true if this is a one-time thing, and not a regular occurrence.)

Hiring a personal assistant is actually brilliant, especially with airline staff pushed to the brink these days.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do, don't mention the geriatric dog, that will fly like a lead balloon

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you put your dog in the car and drive out to visit your mom? Alternatively, how about a short 2-3 day visit where you fly in and out?

I have dogs and love them dearly, but this seems like you're putting up roadblocks to avoid a hard visit.

??? Driving back and forth across the country is like 10 days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If her main fear is that the airline will drop her, could you not just hire a person to travel with you to assist with the transfer? Airline employees are trained to assist (as required by federal law), but they are not perfect.

(I work for the airlines, and this is a common for families to have someone (apart from just the family) who travels with the disabled person, to assist them during the journey. That's especially true if this is a one-time thing, and not a regular occurrence.)

I believe you can stay in your wheelchair on amtrak

[Anonymous]

I would not put someone that frail through a cross country move. It’s unlikely she will be happier in her new spot even with you visiting her more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dog is an excuse, OP, and you know it. It's OK to recognize you don't want the travel hassle for someone who hasn't been making the right decisions with her life.

If you truly think your mother and yourself would be better off if she was closer to you... then you need to make it happen. Just present it as a fait accompli. "Mom, I chose Y place near my house, and I'm moving you in on X date. You're going to love it."

I have seen this play out where the parent falls apart at the move, doesn't adjust and then dies. You have to be ready for anything. So it's not a matter of one solution is the right solution. You figure out what you can handle, gather as much info as possible and go there. Also, if you do move her I wouldn't just put her on anxiety meds (which you cannot do against her consent), but I would get a therapist for you because it can turn into no good deed goes unpunished.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Dog is not an excuse by any means. Every trip I’ve taken there has been hell on earth, and all because no one wanted to make a viable decision. They’ve cost us a lot of money, and me, real physical and mental hardship.

My dog, on the other hand, has been a loyal, sweet companion.

There will be a come to Jesus on this visit. If she decides to come back to an assisted living here, I have no problem helping her; shopping, doc appts, etc. I have the flexibility and time, and she’s not hard to be around. If she is still letting her fears run her decisions, then after this visit, I won’t go back. FaceTime, fine. Phone calls, fine. But I won’t do the back and forth thing. It costs too much both financially, physically, and emotionally.

As for hiring a personal assistant, you all must have unlimited funds to burn. If she decides to come back, we have family (nurses) that will come out and fly back with me to assist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The dog is an excuse, OP, and you know it. It's OK to recognize you don't want the travel hassle for someone who hasn't been making the right decisions with her life.

If you truly think your mother and yourself would be better off if she was closer to you... then you need to make it happen. Just present it as a fait accompli. "Mom, I chose Y place near my house, and I'm moving you in on X date. You're going to love it."

I have seen this play out where the parent falls apart at the move, doesn't adjust and then dies. You have to be ready for anything. So it's not a matter of one solution is the right solution. You figure out what you can handle, gather as much info as possible and go there. Also, if you do move her I wouldn't just put her on anxiety meds (which you cannot do against her consent), but I would get a therapist for you because it can turn into no good deed goes unpunished.

If that happens, so be it.

[Anonymous]

You don't HAVE to do anything. No one can force you to visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Dog is not an excuse by any means. Every trip I’ve taken there has been hell on earth, and all because no one wanted to make a viable decision. They’ve cost us a lot of money, and me, real physical and mental hardship.

My dog, on the other hand, has been a loyal, sweet companion.

There will be a come to Jesus on this visit. If she decides to come back to an assisted living here, I have no problem helping her; shopping, doc appts, etc. I have the flexibility and time, and she’s not hard to be around. If she is still letting her fears run her decisions, then after this visit, I won’t go back. FaceTime, fine. Phone calls, fine. But I won’t do the back and forth thing. It costs too much both financially, physically, and emotionally.

As for hiring a personal assistant, you all must have unlimited funds to burn. If she decides to come back, we have family (nurses) that will come out and fly back with me to assist.

It sounds like your mother is not cognitively able to make a decision. Old people get really indecisive sometimes and it's because they're losing executive functioning. I think it's time for you to just decide and announce it to her.

[Anonymous]

Just some sympathy, OP. I get how it chafes that their unwillingness to improve their situation creates financial, emotional, professional, etc burdens on you. You should not have to sacrifice your emotional priorities and responsibilities (caring for an elderly pet and companion). I get it I get it. You have every right to draw your boundary after this and stick to it. Don't let them make you feel guilty. (But also don't mention the dog to your mom).

[Anonymous]

Your feelings for your dog are totally valid.
I quit a job to care for my cats in the last months of their lives. Thought it would be longer, but no regrets.
The ultimatum posed in the form of mother I need your help is my favorite option here. FaceTime or she moves to a closer facility accompanied by a medical aid. It's the unknown and loss of control that is terrifying. They could drop her where she is but she's used to where she is.

[Anonymous]

Update: Just got back from a week’s visit and the place my mother is in now is wonderful. She’s adjusting well, making friends, and I replaced bad memories with good. My sister and I got along great as well!

I love to thrift and there’s a great shop there. Found the latest model of electric lift wheelchair and fully equipped motorized bed for a song, which will give her a lot of independence. PT there will help her learn to use the chair. She has a bedroom, large living area, and nice kitchen. I bought her a new TV for the living room and set that up with another chair so when her friends visit, it looks like a welcoming place. My sister will finish the decorative touches (she’s talented that way). I left fulfilled and look forward to visiting again. Told her if she wants to move, she’s more than welcome, but I feel MUCH better about her staying now.

Thank you all for your help.

[Anonymous]

I hope your dog is ok.

[Anonymous]

Truly. I loved my cats.