Fell in love with an older man

[Anonymous]

I got to know a man 15 years my senior as a part of a hobby we both enjoy. Eventually he asked me out and we had a great time. We kept seeing each other and fell in love. Initially I was not expecting anything serious from this….but here we are.

We get along very well and I could not ask for better treatment, but I’m concerned about our age difference. he is not in the best of health already. At the same time I really want a life partner, and the thought of going back out on the dating market gets me down. I am 41 and he’s 56. Would you continue the relationship? Love mixed with commitment is hard to come by these days.

[Anonymous]

I would not. I am 46.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely yes. Love is love. Age is a number. His health being somewhat poor is more of an issue, but that isn’t necessarily age-related. If you love him and want to be with him 15 years isn’t a dealbreaker at your stage in life.

[Anonymous]

Continue until it doesn't work for you anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Continue until it doesn't work for you anymore.

yeah, but she could be wasting precious time. Say they marry and he dies at 70, she’ll be 55. That’s a tough age to find a new spouse if she doesn’t want to be alone forever after that.

[Anonymous]

Probably not unless you are REALLY realistic about what this is going to look like for you. I married someone 13 years older and while we do love each other, I really didn't fully appreciate what the age difference would look like down the line, especially in regards to health. Maybe if you said he had zero issues, but it really sucks to be relatively young and feel like your life revolves around geriatric health issues. In it to win it, but I would not counsel someone my age to proceed. We are 41 and 54 for whatever that's worth and it looks like only downhill from here. I am very envious of similarly aged couples in a way I was not when younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Continue until it doesn't work for you anymore.

yeah, but she could be wasting precious time. Say they marry and he dies at 70, she’ll be 55. That’s a tough age to find a new spouse if she doesn’t want to be alone forever after that.

Unlike 41, where men are in desperate search of a woman just entering menopause?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Continue until it doesn't work for you anymore.

And then what, dump him? Maybe dump him if -- and it's an "if" and not a "when" as far as anyone knows -- he needs help or care? How self-centered and cynical.

OP, if you actually love the person he is, and he's someone with whom you love spending your time, well, you likely woudn't be asking about whether to be in a committed relationship; you would be saying, he's my person and i'm his, and we'll live in the moment together, and I'll be there for him as he changes over time--as he'll be there for me. So which is it? Are you more scared of someday in a totally unknown future having to date again? Or are you more invested in this person as the one you want to be with?

It's not quite the same but anyway, OP:
My relative lost her husband very suddenly due to a medical emergency and it devastated her. She found a great new guy (a little older, but no, nowhere near as big a gap as your BF) a few years later and they began dating seriously. Were talking about moving in together. He suddenly found out he had a serious form of cancer -- he'd seemed in excellent health up to that moment of diagnosis. According to the thinking of some DCUM people, she should have dumped him immediately and been so glad she'd "dodged a bullet" and didn't have to care for him, possibly deal with another death, he hadn't moved in, she could jump back into dating easily since she's pretty and thin...etc.

Nope, she fully recognized the risks and they moved in together, and she's by his side through his treatments. Because they love each other fully and aren't just focused on what DCUM seems to fear so badly-- "What if I have to be a caregiver, what if I'm left without a significant other, what if I have to date again at some future point" blah blah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Continue until it doesn't work for you anymore.

yeah, but she could be wasting precious time. Say they marry and he dies at 70, she’ll be 55. That’s a tough age to find a new spouse if she doesn’t want to be alone forever after that.

Unlike 41, where men are in desperate search of a woman just entering menopause?

I didn’t hit menopause until 55.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Continue until it doesn't work for you anymore.

And then what, dump him? Maybe dump him if -- and it's an "if" and not a "when" as far as anyone knows -- he needs help or care? How self-centered and cynical.

OP, if you actually love the person he is, and he's someone with whom you love spending your time, well, you likely woudn't be asking about whether to be in a committed relationship; you would be saying, he's my person and i'm his, and we'll live in the moment together, and I'll be there for him as he changes over time--as he'll be there for me. So which is it? Are you more scared of someday in a totally unknown future having to date again? Or are you more invested in this person as the one you want to be with?

It's not quite the same but anyway, OP:
My relative lost her husband very suddenly due to a medical emergency and it devastated her. She found a great new guy (a little older, but no, nowhere near as big a gap as your BF) a few years later and they began dating seriously. Were talking about moving in together. He suddenly found out he had a serious form of cancer -- he'd seemed in excellent health up to that moment of diagnosis. According to the thinking of some DCUM people, she should have dumped him immediately and been so glad she'd "dodged a bullet" and didn't have to care for him, possibly deal with another death, he hadn't moved in, she could jump back into dating easily since she's pretty and thin...etc.

Nope, she fully recognized the risks and they moved in together, and she's by his side through his treatments. Because they love each other fully and aren't just focused on what DCUM seems to fear so badly-- "What if I have to be a caregiver, what if I'm left without a significant other, what if I have to date again at some future point" blah blah.

Not a relative was it? This seems personal. Good for her.

[Anonymous]

If you really love him and willing to be his nurse in 15 years, yes. If you only love lifestyle you fan enjoy with him, no.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, anyone can drop dead or get diagnosed with a terminal disease anytime.

As a nation we take worse risks, why stop her from her gamble?

[Anonymous]

U have One life to live

Finding real love is so hard

Infinitely harder when you are 40+

Why not go deep and enjoy the love you have. for as long as you can?

Love usually does not last a lifetime. The deeply intimate loving feelings have a shelf life. 7-10yrs. Do you think he will survive relatively healthy and physically mentally and sexually functional for 7-10 years? Then why not go for it?

I think this is a bigger gamble: You can get back on dating market and get hit on by 20/30yr old with milf fantasies or more age appropriate 40yr olds with baggage and other past failed relationship/divorce/life issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Continue until it doesn't work for you anymore.

yeah, but she could be wasting precious time. Say they marry and he dies at 70, she’ll be 55. That’s a tough age to find a new spouse if she doesn’t want to be alone forever after that.

He found a partner at that age. Why can't she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:U have One life to live

Finding real love is so hard

Infinitely harder when you are 40+

Why not go deep and enjoy the love you have. for as long as you can?

Love usually does not last a lifetime. The deeply intimate loving feelings have a shelf life. 7-10yrs. Do you think he will survive relatively healthy and physically mentally and sexually functional for 7-10 years? Then why not go for it?

I think this is a bigger gamble: You can get back on dating market and get hit on by 20/30yr old with milf fantasies or more age appropriate 40yr olds with baggage and other past failed relationship/divorce/life issues

At 56 I’d assume her guy has past fail relationship/divorce too.