Feeling jealous of empty nesters

[Anonymous]

Most of my friends my age are empty nesters or will be in 3-4 years. I really truly love my kids i had my last one late when I was in late thirties and the thought of doing this till my late 50s seems daunting while other friends enjoy freedom to do what they want. Again I love my children and would put their wellbeing and needs above and beyond any of these feelings I have. I was eldest in my family and helped raise my siblings as well. I feel most of my life has been consumed by taking care of children and family.

Please no mean comments that I knew what I was getting into or the choices I made or I am complaining.

I would like to know how other parents who are in similar situation deal with it. I have a strong passion and calling that I would like to pursue but cant until my youngest goes to college and I feel that would be too late and I will not have enough energy by then.I cant disclose more about my calling as it would reveal my identity. But I cant pursue it until I am mostly done with my responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

I am a new empty nester and it is hard. Your feelings are normal and I remember feeling so tired too. Now, I wish I could have a re-run.

My advice is to try to enjoy each day as it comes. One day soon it will be so quiet around you and you will long for children in the home. I know hard to imagine but when the kids move away, it is less wonderful than it may look. Meditation and journaling on gratitude in every day helps.

[Anonymous]

Your problem is that you see your kids as being in the way. Think about something more productive.

[Anonymous]

How old are your children? Does your spouse help with the kids? It is up to you to find some time for your interests/hobby.

[Anonymous]

It comes so fast it is shocking. Dh and I were very much alone raising kids without family help, and we had some great times and some hard times. Sometimes I'd think (6 more years, 5 more years...) when it got hard. Then faster than you can blink they start driving, they're not home much between school, work and sports, and soon they'll be in college. It feels a little sad.

[Anonymous]

I can't relate. I miss my oldest every day he's in college, and I'm so glad my youngest isn't leaving for a few years yet.

Are you sure your passion job is something you cannot ease into right now? Does it involve too much travel, or you need the space your kids vacate? Would it be possible for you to do some stints of it if you send your kids to see family (or camps) in the summer, just to double check that you really want to do this full-time when they leave?

[Anonymous]

I’m afraid of an empty nest. I don’t wrap my whole identity around my kids, but I truly enjoy them and enjoy being a volunteer for their activities and all that.

[Anonymous]

It what is for you but people with experience should give young folks truth so they make informed decisions. Best window is 27-34. Pop in one or two and be done. Kids are precious but take a toll on your physical, mental, marital, professional and financial health.

[Anonymous]

I'm not going to lie -- being an empty nester is great. I'm 52 and have earned this time.

I don't understand the people who say they're "sad." This is exactly what's supposed to happen -- you raise your children right and they go into the world and you get your time back. But it's up to YOU to make that time of it what you will. Pining for your children is just kind of pathetic.

That doesn't help OP, though. I don't know what to tell you, OP, since you don't want to be told you knew what you were getting into. I might have said we envied you when you were still unencumbered in your 30s, but it sounds like maybe you have big age gaps in children.

The one thing I CAN say is don't make your children the center of your life -- that is a HUGE mistake. Make your spousal relationship the center. And make sure the kids know they come second to that. And be sure to nurture your own interests. It's not clear to me why you have to defer your passion until your kid is in college.

[Anonymous]

Before you hit mesopause or midlife crisis, your kids should be done with undergrad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to lie -- being an empty nester is great. I'm 52 and have earned this time.

I don't understand the people who say they're "sad." This is exactly what's supposed to happen -- you raise your children right and they go into the world and you get your time back. But it's up to YOU to make that time of it what you will. Pining for your children is just kind of pathetic.

That doesn't help OP, though. I don't know what to tell you, OP, since you don't want to be told you knew what you were getting into. I might have said we envied you when you were still unencumbered in your 30s, but it sounds like maybe you have big age gaps in children.

The one thing I CAN say is don't make your children the center of your life -- that is a HUGE mistake. Make your spousal relationship the center. And make sure the kids know they come second to that. And be sure to nurture your own interests. It's not clear to me why you have to defer your passion until your kid is in college.

What you're missing, PP, is that everyone is different. Some people love their children way more than their spouses. Some of us love spending time with our children, and miss them when they're gone. It's not like we can just snap our brains out of our skulls and exchange it for another that magically makes us not think like this! I mean, this is why we had kids in the first place! Not because it's what society expected of us, but because we love children, and wanted our own! And we all understand that after a while, it will be the new normal to be kid-free and just see our adult children occasionally. We will make a new life and it will be happy. But please don't scoff when child-centric parents take a little time to mourn their old child-centric life.

So you want to keep the judgment toned down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m afraid of an empty nest. I don’t wrap my whole identity around my kids, but I truly enjoy them and enjoy being a volunteer for their activities and all that.

Change is inevitable. You can't be immortal and freeze your nuclear family in time. It's better they are independent before you start dealing with aging issues. Seeing them as independently functioning adults is a blessing not everyone gets to enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to lie -- being an empty nester is great. I'm 52 and have earned this time.

I don't understand the people who say they're "sad." This is exactly what's supposed to happen -- you raise your children right and they go into the world and you get your time back. But it's up to YOU to make that time of it what you will. Pining for your children is just kind of pathetic.

That doesn't help OP, though. I don't know what to tell you, OP, since you don't want to be told you knew what you were getting into. I might have said we envied you when you were still unencumbered in your 30s, but it sounds like maybe you have big age gaps in children.

The one thing I CAN say is don't make your children the center of your life -- that is a HUGE mistake. Make your spousal relationship the center. And make sure the kids know they come second to that. And be sure to nurture your own interests. It's not clear to me why you have to defer your passion until your kid is in college.

That HUGE mistake made me so happy for years! And it makes me so happy when my grown kids come home!

What a jerk you are, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to lie -- being an empty nester is great. I'm 52 and have earned this time.

I don't understand the people who say they're "sad." This is exactly what's supposed to happen -- you raise your children right and they go into the world and you get your time back. But it's up to YOU to make that time of it what you will. Pining for your children is just kind of pathetic.

That doesn't help OP, though. I don't know what to tell you, OP, since you don't want to be told you knew what you were getting into. I might have said we envied you when you were still unencumbered in your 30s, but it sounds like maybe you have big age gaps in children.

The one thing I CAN say is don't make your children the center of your life -- that is a HUGE mistake. Make your spousal relationship the center. And make sure the kids know they come second to that. And be sure to nurture your own interests. It's not clear to me why you have to defer your passion until your kid is in college.

What you're missing, PP, is that everyone is different. Some people love their children way more than their spouses. Some of us love spending time with our children, and miss them when they're gone. It's not like we can just snap our brains out of our skulls and exchange it for another that magically makes us not think like this! I mean, this is why we had kids in the first place! Not because it's what society expected of us, but because we love children, and wanted our own! And we all understand that after a while, it will be the new normal to be kid-free and just see our adult children occasionally. We will make a new life and it will be happy. But please don't scoff when child-centric parents take a little time to mourn their old child-centric life.

So you want to keep the judgment toned down.

No, I don't think I will. You need to hear this hard truth because your selfish outlook on this will cripple your children if you're not careful.

Making the children the focus of the family is a terrible model and often leads to divorce.

So, no, I won't "tone down" the judgment. Because I'm right. That's just all there is to it.

[Anonymous]

Child-centric moms who cannot let go become MILs from hell. See you back here in ten years, complaining about your DIL.