Feeling jealous of empty nesters

[Anonymous]

We were in our mid 50s when we became empty nesters. That wasn’t an issue for us as we were both working and couldn’t jet off around the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to lie -- being an empty nester is great. I'm 52 and have earned this time.

I don't understand the people who say they're "sad." This is exactly what's supposed to happen -- you raise your children right and they go into the world and you get your time back. But it's up to YOU to make that time of it what you will. Pining for your children is just kind of pathetic.

That doesn't help OP, though. I don't know what to tell you, OP, since you don't want to be told you knew what you were getting into. I might have said we envied you when you were still unencumbered in your 30s, but it sounds like maybe you have big age gaps in children.

The one thing I CAN say is don't make your children the center of your life -- that is a HUGE mistake. Make your spousal relationship the center. And make sure the kids know they come second to that. And be sure to nurture your own interests. It's not clear to me why you have to defer your passion until your kid is in college.

What you're missing, PP, is that everyone is different. Some people love their children way more than their spouses. Some of us love spending time with our children, and miss them when they're gone. It's not like we can just snap our brains out of our skulls and exchange it for another that magically makes us not think like this! I mean, this is why we had kids in the first place! Not because it's what society expected of us, but because we love children, and wanted our own! And we all understand that after a while, it will be the new normal to be kid-free and just see our adult children occasionally. We will make a new life and it will be happy. But please don't scoff when child-centric parents take a little time to mourn their old child-centric life.

So you want to keep the judgment toned down.

No, I don't think I will. You need to hear this hard truth because your selfish outlook on this will cripple your children if you're not careful.

Making the children the focus of the family is a terrible model and often leads to divorce.

So, no, I won't "tone down" the judgment. Because I'm right. That's just all there is to it.

NP, I thought you were a judgmental jerk in your first post and then your second exceeded it. I promise you that you don’t know what is right or appropriate for every person. I bet your kids are finally breathing free out of your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It what is for you but people with experience should give young folks truth so they make informed decisions. Best window is 27-34. Pop in one or two and be done. Kids are precious but take a toll on your physical, mental, marital, professional and financial health.

I had my kids later in life with a DH in his early 40s. Parents did the same thing, starting a tad earlier. I completely agree with this poster based on my experience as both the kid and the parent. We dawdled around before having kids and enjoyed the time but could have dawdled less and would be empty nesters a couple of years ago versus a year from now.

To OP’s question, though: I recommend trying to work up to your passion project as best you can, watch your health like a hawk so you have the energy, and try to de-stress in the meantime. De-stressing during these final few years has been a godsend. I volunteer for very little now and have dialed back at work but not to the point of it jeopardizing my job. Just delegating that much more, caring a bit less deeply, taking ample sick days, etc.

[Anonymous]

I’m jealous of empty nesters too. We have a 25 year old still at home and it’s possible we will never have an empty nest.

Life doesn’t work out the way you think it will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before you hit mesopause or midlife crisis, your kids should be done with undergrad.

Super helpful! Here you go, OP, problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of my friends my age are empty nesters or will be in 3-4 years. I really truly love my kids i had my last one late when I was in late thirties and the thought of doing this till my late 50s seems daunting while other friends enjoy freedom to do what they want. Again I love my children and would put their wellbeing and needs above and beyond any of these feelings I have. I was eldest in my family and helped raise my siblings as well. I feel most of my life has been consumed by taking care of children and family.

Please no mean comments that I knew what I was getting into or the choices I made or I am complaining.

I would like to know how other parents who are in similar situation deal with it. I have a strong passion and calling that I would like to pursue but cant until my youngest goes to college and I feel that would be too late and I will not have enough energy by then.I cant disclose more about my calling as it would reveal my identity. But I cant pursue it until I am mostly done with my responsibilities.

OP, don’t assume the bolded. If your passion involves foreign travel, spend these years getting/keeping yourself physically fit and healthy. Read up on people who have done what you want to do late in life — there are some amazing stories of people who have done great things in the second half of their life. We were older parents too. My DH is 63 and has as much energy as he did in his 40s, because we stay active (nothing crazy, just hiking, stretching, weights).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to lie -- being an empty nester is great. I'm 52 and have earned this time.

I don't understand the people who say they're "sad." This is exactly what's supposed to happen -- you raise your children right and they go into the world and you get your time back. But it's up to YOU to make that time of it what you will. Pining for your children is just kind of pathetic.

That doesn't help OP, though. I don't know what to tell you, OP, since you don't want to be told you knew what you were getting into. I might have said we envied you when you were still unencumbered in your 30s, but it sounds like maybe you have big age gaps in children.

The one thing I CAN say is don't make your children the center of your life -- that is a HUGE mistake. Make your spousal relationship the center. And make sure the kids know they come second to that. And be sure to nurture your own interests. It's not clear to me why you have to defer your passion until your kid is in college.

What a total nightmare to have a parent like this. Wow.

PP is a psycho and possibly a childless troll. If she does have kids, they probably never come back home.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately I would caution anyone about having a whole empty nester fantasy where you are going to fulfill all of your long delayed life dreams etc. We are a couple in our late 50s who finally got everyone launched only to be hit with the whammy of widowed elderly mother with dementia times two. We now worry about traveling particularly abroad due to leaving the elderly person or having to cancel expensive plans due to a health crisis etc. If you really want to do something try to make it happen sooner rather than later because the empty nest is not always all it is cracked up to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately I would caution anyone about having a whole empty nester fantasy where you are going to fulfill all of your long delayed life dreams etc. We are a couple in our late 50s who finally got everyone launched only to be hit with the whammy of widowed elderly mother with dementia times two. We now worry about traveling particularly abroad due to leaving the elderly person or having to cancel expensive plans due to a health crisis etc. If you really want to do something try to make it happen sooner rather than later because the empty nest is not always all it is cracked up to be.

Similar experience here. In one day my father went from being super independent and fun-loving to being totally dependent on others and unable to communicate. It can come at you from both directions, unfortunately…

[Anonymous]

I don't know, both our kids are in college and it's awesome. We love them to pieces, love seeing them when they come home on breaks, but it is glorious when they're at school. We take weekend trips, we putz around, we order out. Your time will come OP. Plus,you must've had many years in your 20s and 30s to enjoy freedom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately I would caution anyone about having a whole empty nester fantasy where you are going to fulfill all of your long delayed life dreams etc. We are a couple in our late 50s who finally got everyone launched only to be hit with the whammy of widowed elderly mother with dementia times two. We now worry about traveling particularly abroad due to leaving the elderly person or having to cancel expensive plans due to a health crisis etc. If you really want to do something try to make it happen sooner rather than later because the empty nest is not always all it is cracked up to be.

Is she in a dementia unit?

[Anonymous]

I'm just trying to focus on the joy that I'm experiencing in the life right now instead of how I felt 10 years ago or how I might imagine my future in 10-15 years.

I would also say that the pandemic really taught me the important lesson that I'm not going to wait until my kids are grown up to pursue things that fill my cup and give me joy. My husband has really had to step up to the plate a lot more to do more active parenting in order to give me some space to do things that I love, but I've really tried to reciprocate with him as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of my friends my age are empty nesters or will be in 3-4 years. I really truly love my kids i had my last one late when I was in late thirties and the thought of doing this till my late 50s seems daunting while other friends enjoy freedom to do what they want. Again I love my children and would put their wellbeing and needs above and beyond any of these feelings I have. I was eldest in my family and helped raise my siblings as well. I feel most of my life has been consumed by taking care of children and family.

Please no mean comments that I knew what I was getting into or the choices I made or I am complaining.

I would like to know how other parents who are in similar situation deal with it. I have a strong passion and calling that I would like to pursue but cant until my youngest goes to college and I feel that would be too late and I will not have enough energy by then.I cant disclose more about my calling as it would reveal my identity. But I cant pursue it until I am mostly done with my responsibilities.

OP, don’t assume the bolded. If your passion involves foreign travel, spend these years getting/keeping yourself physically fit and healthy. Read up on people who have done what you want to do late in life — there are some amazing stories of people who have done great things in the second half of their life. We were older parents too. My DH is 63 and has as much energy as he did in his 40s, because we stay active (nothing crazy, just hiking, stretching, weights).

OP here love this suggestion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, both our kids are in college and it's awesome. We love them to pieces, love seeing them when they come home on breaks, but it is glorious when they're at school. We take weekend trips, we putz around, we order out. Your time will come OP. Plus,you must've had many years in your 20s and 30s to enjoy freedom.

OP here good to hear that you are enjoying your time. I was caring for children in my 20s and 30s too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, both our kids are in college and it's awesome. We love them to pieces, love seeing them when they come home on breaks, but it is glorious when they're at school. We take weekend trips, we putz around, we order out. Your time will come OP. Plus,you must've had many years in your 20s and 30s to enjoy freedom.

OP here good to hear that you are enjoying your time. I was caring for children in my 20s and 30s too.

Oh, that's hard. You must have children spread out far apart. I hope you have a lot of help