Sister said I’m a flawed mom

[Anonymous]

My sister and I have kids who are the same age. I reached out to her because my kid has been behaving poorly and hers is generally very well behaved and I wondered if she had pointers. She told me that her kid is good because she is a good mother. She said she used to be a bad mom to her older kid, but that she realized she was doing a bad job and apologized and treated the younger one better. For context she was very depressed and untreated with first kid. She said I needed to apologize for being a bad mom and do better.

I was a bit caught off guard by her comments. I said nothing came to mind that I would apologize for. Was there something she saw that was alarming. She said when my kid was a baby I had a convo with her about how I did not always change her poopy diapers immediately, and waited on my ex to do it sometimes because he didn’t pull his weight with chores. She said she imagines I was a lazy mom in other ways and my kid is acting out because she’s mad about it.

I am too close to this situation to see clearly. What do you make of this?

[Anonymous]

Ok, so I was at first going to say that was totally cruel, but then when you got to the part about her admitting she was a bad mom to her first kid... maybe she did legitimately think she was being real and helpful with you.

[Anonymous]

Stop asking her for parenting advice. Some kids are more difficult than others. Even if her kid is an easy baby/toddler/kid it doesn’t guarantee they will be easy in the next stage. Or maybe she got lucky with an easy going second kid. It really isn’t a reflection of her parenting.

Get your parenting advice elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if she just isn't capable of giving detailed advice. Even taking aside the rudeness of saying you're a bad mom, it's incredibly vague to just say you're a bad mom, so you should be a good one now. I mean compare that to the hyper specific advice people post here. Like maybe she internalized her feelings about her relationship with her first child and that's how she frames things. Maybe her second child was just an easier kid and she attributes that to her deciding to be a good mom. I think it's more about her than you although I can understand if you feel hurt.

[Anonymous]

I mean you let your child sit in poop on purpose and seem to think that is fine…. Not a mother of the year candidate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so I was at first going to say that was totally cruel, but then when you got to the part about her admitting she was a bad mom to her first kid... maybe she did legitimately think she was being real and helpful with you.

Same process for me. At first I was like "screw your sister -- we're all flawed moms." But it sounds to me like she was trying to offer you guidance from a place of vulnerability and just lost the plot a bit.

I think the main thing she is trying to convey to you is that all parents make mistakes (including her and including you) and that one of the thing that helped her was to be accountable to her kids for those mistakes. I've found this to be true as well. When kids see their parents owning up to mistakes and making amends it sets a precedent that gives kids space to make mistakes and learn from them. It shows them what it means to be truly responsible for your behavior including behavior you aren't that proud of. If the issue is kids misbehaving this is a pretty central lesson and I think your sister is right that this is a good place to start if you feel your kids are acting up and you want the behavior to improve.

The stuff about how you handled things with your ex when your kid was a baby... you asked for a specific example and she gave you one. I get why it stung to hear that but if I'm being totally frank with you I agree with her because what you describe is you having issues with your ex and putting your child's needs in the middle of those issues which is not fair to your kid. It might be worth thinking about whether that's something you continue to do. Or maybe it's not a fair assessment I don't know. But you asked for an example and she provided one. You can't get mad at her for that part. The rest is very sound advice and she sounds like a wise mom. I would listen.

[Anonymous]

I don’t like the label of bad mom. Better to say making some mistakes or bad decisions. You can fix actions going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so I was at first going to say that was totally cruel, but then when you got to the part about her admitting she was a bad mom to her first kid... maybe she did legitimately think she was being real and helpful with you.

I thought the exact same thing.

You asked her for advice and she gave you what seems to be advice she used for herself and it worked.

None of us know how your parent and what the reality is. I think we could all do better in our parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so I was at first going to say that was totally cruel, but then when you got to the part about her admitting she was a bad mom to her first kid... maybe she did legitimately think she was being real and helpful with you.

Same process for me. At first I was like "screw your sister -- we're all flawed moms." But it sounds to me like she was trying to offer you guidance from a place of vulnerability and just lost the plot a bit.

I think the main thing she is trying to convey to you is that all parents make mistakes (including her and including you) and that one of the thing that helped her was to be accountable to her kids for those mistakes. I've found this to be true as well. When kids see their parents owning up to mistakes and making amends it sets a precedent that gives kids space to make mistakes and learn from them. It shows them what it means to be truly responsible for your behavior including behavior you aren't that proud of. If the issue is kids misbehaving this is a pretty central lesson and I think your sister is right that this is a good place to start if you feel your kids are acting up and you want the behavior to improve.

The stuff about how you handled things with your ex when your kid was a baby... you asked for a specific example and she gave you one. I get why it stung to hear that but if I'm being totally frank with you I agree with her because what you describe is you having issues with your ex and putting your child's needs in the middle of those issues which is not fair to your kid. It might be worth thinking about whether that's something you continue to do. Or maybe it's not a fair assessment I don't know. But you asked for an example and she provided one. You can't get mad at her for that part. The rest is very sound advice and she sounds like a wise mom. I would listen.

+1. Open thread, Close thread.

[Anonymous]

Give your sister the benefit of the doubt. It was rude for her to judge good and bad, but she sounds harsh on herself as well.

Poor judgment letting your baby risk getting rash so your DH could pull his weight. You don’t seem to understand why this is wrong, and this makes me wonder how your decision making is. You sound immature and should probably look into parenting books/podcasts.

[Anonymous]

She is not the person to got to for advice. If she can't deliver advice, in a manner that is helpful, and a manner in which you are receptive. So now you know. Do not ask her again. And You likely speak too casually to her. Sisters are not always a good friends to have. Don't assume that. Find other friends. Or get professional help with your challenges.

[Anonymous]

I would never ask my sister for advice. It may be great advice and right on the nose and appropriate, but it will never hit true and square coming from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give your sister the benefit of the doubt. It was rude for her to judge good and bad, but she sounds harsh on herself as well.

Poor judgment letting your baby risk getting rash so your DH could pull his weight. You don’t seem to understand why this is wrong, and this makes me wonder how your decision making is. You sound immature and should probably look into parenting books/podcasts.

OP here. To be clear I wasn’t letting my kid sit in poop for hours. Adding an additional 5-10 mins to her diaper change time occasionally isn’t a big deal in my book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give your sister the benefit of the doubt. It was rude for her to judge good and bad, but she sounds harsh on herself as well.

Poor judgment letting your baby risk getting rash so your DH could pull his weight. You don’t seem to understand why this is wrong, and this makes me wonder how your decision making is. You sound immature and should probably look into parenting books/podcasts.

OP here. To be clear I wasn’t letting my kid sit in poop for hours. Adding an additional 5-10 mins to her diaper change time occasionally isn’t a big deal in my book.

I think the issue is weaponizing your child's needs as a tool against your ex. Sometimes a kid sits in a poopy diaper for an extra 5 to 10 minutes for any number of reasons. But if you know the kid has a dirty diaper and you are ignoring it on purpose to try and get your DH to help that speaks to a broader family dynamic that is unhealthy. Since you now refer to this person as your ex it sounds like you know the dynamic was unhealthy.

I wouldn't dwell to hard on this -- no parent is perfect. Your sister's underlying point was that parents have to be accountable to their kids for their mistakes. And your response was that you couldn't think of any mistakes you'd made and to demand an example so she gave you one. The fact that you are still digging in and defending it indicates that maybe you should listen harder to your sister on the issue of being accountable to your kids for your parenting choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never ask my sister for advice. It may be great advice and right on the nose and appropriate, but it will never hit true and square coming from her.

This. OP stepped into it by asking for advice anyway. This wasn't unsolicited. You're likely going to hear feedback you don't want to hear. But, OP asked for it.