Sister said I’m a flawed mom

[Anonymous]

Sadly she sounds stupid, and so do you, for the moment, but at least you see it and she doesn't, so there's hope for you.

She confuses morality with competence. There is no good vs. bad here. Couching life and personalities in those terms is a recipe for anger, resentment, shame and guilt, none of which will get you to your goals.

A. You want to reframe your self-introspection as: which parenting methods are effective and which ones are not.
1. Different kids need different parenting methods. What works for one kid may not work for the other.
2. What's often overlooked is: not every parent can utilize every parenting method. You are born with certain traits, and some methods will work better for you as a parent. You have to find that sweet spot where your way of disciplining and caregiving meets your child's needs.
3. Your methods have to evolve with your kid. What they need in early elementary won't be what they need as tweens and teens.

B. Behavior problems: do your research so that you come at this with a lot more knowledge. What behavior problems? Are they within the range of normal, and can they be addressed with a better sleep schedule, good nutrition, less screentime, more effective discipline? Or are they indicators of ADHD, high-functioning autism, anxiety, depression, etc, which need evaluations and treatment, and for which your child can benefit from services and accommodations from the school? You have the internet. Use it. You can ask your child's pediatrician, and school counselor and teacher. Find reputable sources and read from multiple ones to corroborate what you find.

Do not let anyone shame you. Lift the discussion away from the low-IQ level of "bad vs. good mother". That's a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give your sister the benefit of the doubt. It was rude for her to judge good and bad, but she sounds harsh on herself as well.

Poor judgment letting your baby risk getting rash so your DH could pull his weight. You don’t seem to understand why this is wrong, and this makes me wonder how your decision making is. You sound immature and should probably look into parenting books/podcasts.

OP here. To be clear I wasn’t letting my kid sit in poop for hours. Adding an additional 5-10 mins to her diaper change time occasionally isn’t a big deal in my book.

I think the issue is weaponizing your child's needs as a tool against your ex. Sometimes a kid sits in a poopy diaper for an extra 5 to 10 minutes for any number of reasons. But if you know the kid has a dirty diaper and you are ignoring it on purpose to try and get your DH to help that speaks to a broader family dynamic that is unhealthy. Since you now refer to this person as your ex it sounds like you know the dynamic was unhealthy.

I wouldn't dwell to hard on this -- no parent is perfect. Your sister's underlying point was that parents have to be accountable to their kids for their mistakes. And your response was that you couldn't think of any mistakes you'd made and to demand an example so she gave you one. The fact that you are still digging in and defending it indicates that maybe you should listen harder to your sister on the issue of being accountable to your kids for your parenting choices.

It was OPs ex who weaponized their kid by ignoring his child’s needs and dumping all the work on OP. Women need to stop allowing this. You are not super mom. It’s ok for a dad to change a diaper. And if ignoring it for a few mins was effective in getting her exDH to pull his weight, then good.

[Anonymous]

Why did she do that to her child ? Feces?
Babies are helpless.

[Anonymous]

That might be why he is the ExDh (at least in part

She made bad choices for odd reasons. That’s a weird way to motivate another person (and keep score of chores ?)!

[Anonymous]

All parents are flawed. The thing is just try your best

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That might be why he is the ExDh (at least in part

She made bad choices for odd reasons. That’s a weird way to motivate another person (and keep score of chores ?)!

He could be exDH because he didn’t help with the baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean you let your child sit in poop on purpose and seem to think that is fine…. Not a mother of the year candidate.

Yeah, this is pretty bad mom territory, OP. You don't punish an innocent baby that didn't ask to be born in order to teach a lesson to the deadbeat dad YOU chose to have children with.

Now if you struggle to understand how awful what you did was, please take a nice wet dump in your underwear and sit in it for a good long while.

Then you can start asking your child for a critique of your mothering, hear it with open mind, and start apologizing. You're not alone - a lot of mothers are rubbish, some their whole lives long. You've got a chance to change things around; take it with open mind and heart.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is still in the midst of raising two children. Too soon to tell if she has succeeded and she is by no means an expert. Seek guidance and support from professionals. Not here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t like the label of bad mom. Better to say making some mistakes or bad decisions. You can fix actions going forward.

OMG

Right because label changes everything.

OP - I think your sister was genuinely trying. I also recognize my mistakes with my kids and apologize, something my parents NEVER did. I'm chronically trying to improve. Furthermore, no matter how good (or bad) you are, you can always improve. If you don't like the delivery of her message, stop asking.