Falling in love with someone unattractive
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Anonymous
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My sister just introduced me to her boyfriend. We are closer and share everything with each other. I knew something was up when she’d been dating him for a while but I never met him.
When we met he seems like a nice guy and clearly makes her happy. She confessed that no one else has met him because they are an “odd couple” and she’s Afraid of being judged. My sister is very stereotypically beautiful and admittedly her boyfriend is not. I don’t think this is a big deal. She thinks I’m minimizing her concerns about family judgement. This is not a big deal right? To me what matters is how he treats her, not if others think he’s handsome or accomplished enough. |
Anonymous
| Troll |
Anonymous
| Either she herself is shallow or thinks of her family as such, neither of which reflect on real value of this man. He deserves due respect every partner does. |
Anonymous
| What matters is that she finds him attractive, He isn't responsible for satisfying whole family's level of attraction. |
Anonymous
| Oh for crying out loud. Your sister is unworthy of this guy. Not even worth a response. |
Anonymous
OP, good for you; you're seeing the real person and not the looks. But it sound as if you might be more evolved in your thinking about looks than she herself is, while she might be more aware of relatives' biases than you are. The bold above sounds as if she's been frank with you about (1) She knows she's what society considers beautiful; (2) She knows he's what society considers the opposite of her; (3) She's got concerns about family reactions. I'm suspecting that she has heard other family members say things about looks all her life--she likely has heard commentary about strangers' looks from relatives that you just missed hearing but which stuck with her. I'd ask her: "Have you heard, over the years, our family members make comments about people's appearances, and that's why you're worried about the reactions to BF?" I'd bet she's going to tell you that she's keenly aware that relatives say a lot of things, maybe nasty ones, criticizing appearances. And she likely has been told all her life how beautiful she is -- she might even have heard things along lines of, "You'll have beautiful children when you marry a handsome man" or what the F ever. Really gorgeous people can grow up kind of screwed by comments about how good-looking they are; they can become vain and horrible, or can begin to feel their own value is only in their looks. If your sister thinks her own value, to these relatives, is in her appearance, she might fear that when she brings home a man who is not model-perfect, the family will value her less for choosing someone not her "equal." Even if she knows she loves him. You are in a good position to help. If you and she are close, I'd take her aside at a time that's not rushed, and talk with her to unpack why she's so concerned. Does she have a craving for approval from certain relatives? Can she get past that craving, which is a childhood holdover, maybe? Would she rethink this relationship if they turn up their noses at his looks? Is she maybe a bit worried that she herself is showing shallowness by being fearful of introducing him? (I'm not saying she IS shallow! I'm saying she may fear that her gut-level worry about introductions means she's shallow, but if she chose him--she likely isn't.) Please try to bolster her confidence that neither he nor she is about looks. You could also act as a buffer and be there for introductions yourself, and nip any commentary in the bud then, and talk him up afterward. |
Anonymous
It doesn't make the sister "unworthy" for her to know her own family well enough to know they are shallow and possibly cruel in comments and judgement. You're assuming the sister herself is ashamed of the guy, when from what OP has written, the case could be that the sister knows her family won't see him as she sees him, and she wants to protect his feelings and, yes, her own. We can't know all the sister's feelings and motivations here, so your knee-jerk "She's unworthy" makes harsh assumptions. |
Anonymous
| worst thing for an unattractive daughter is a gorgeous mom, she should dump him |
Anonymous
She should think of the children they are going to have before pursuing a long term relationship with that man. I know it sounds cruel but it would be more cruel to be gifted with beauty and good genetics and waste that gift by having kids with an ugly man. These days women have more choice than men. Never settle for less. |
Anonymous
You think everyone is a Troll. Including me, not OP |
Anonymous
Seriously? Since about age ~20, looks have not mattered to me. I have always cared about a healthy lifestyle, fitness, straight teeth, and clear eyes, but otherwise, physical appearance doesn't factor into who turns me on. |
Anonymous
| BTDT. FYI, BFF is in LTR with SO who frequently wears a mask in public. It's short of a shapeless rubber pull-over mask with eyeholes cut out and reddish lips (but not lipstick, just colored lip areas) with a slit for the mouth for breathing and I guess speaking. The SO says the mask is just a fun and functional way to put a little mystery into the mix and keep people guessing. I find it totes WEIRD and offputting but BFF has chosen to accept it. Vive la difference. |
Anonymous
Sort of, not short of! LOL |
Anonymous
This is bad |
Anonymous
| Your sister should take a stroll around our country club. Lots of attractive women with way less attractive men and THEYRE HAPPY. Maybe they married for money but I think they married for personality and fun. The couples where the guy is also attractive don’t seem as happy |