Reply to Falling in love with someone unattractive

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My sister just introduced me to her boyfriend. We are closer and share everything with each other. I knew something was up when she’d been dating him for a while but I never met him.

When we met he seems like a nice guy and clearly makes her happy. [b]She confessed that no one else has met him because they are an “odd couple”[/b] and she’s Afraid of being judged.

My sister is very stereotypically beautiful and admittedly her boyfriend is not. I don’t think this is a big deal. [b]She thinks I’m minimizing her concerns about family judgement.[/b]

This is not a big deal right? To me what matters is how he treats her, not if others think he’s handsome or accomplished enough.[/quote]

OP, good for you; you're seeing the real person and not the looks. But it sound as if you might be more evolved in your thinking about looks than she herself is, while she might be more aware of relatives' biases than you are.

The bold above sounds as if she's been frank with you about (1) She knows she's what society considers beautiful; (2) She knows he's what society considers the opposite of her; (3) She's got concerns about family reactions.

I'm suspecting that she has heard other family members say things about looks all her life--she likely has heard commentary about strangers' looks from relatives that you just missed hearing but which stuck with her.

I'd ask her: "Have you heard, over the years, our family members make comments about people's appearances, and that's why you're worried about the reactions to BF?" I'd bet she's going to tell you that she's keenly aware that relatives say a lot of things, maybe nasty ones, criticizing appearances. And she likely has been told all her life how beautiful [i]she[/i] is -- she might even have heard things along lines of, "You'll have beautiful children when you marry a handsome man" or what the F ever. Really gorgeous people can grow up kind of screwed by comments about how good-looking they are; they can become vain and horrible, or can begin to feel their own value is only in their looks. If your sister thinks her own value, to these relatives, is in her appearance, she might fear that when she brings home a man who is not model-perfect, the family will value her less for choosing someone not her "equal." Even if she knows she loves him.

You are in a good position to help. If you and she are close, I'd take her aside at a time that's not rushed, and talk with her to unpack why she's so concerned. Does she have a craving for approval from certain relatives? Can she get past that craving, which is a childhood holdover, maybe? Would she rethink this relationship if they turn up their noses at his looks? Is she maybe a bit worried that she herself is showing shallowness by being fearful of introducing him? (I'm not saying she IS shallow! I'm saying she may fear that her gut-level worry about introductions means she's shallow, but if she chose him--she likely isn't.) Please try to bolster her confidence that neither he [b]nor she[/b] is about looks. You could also act as a buffer and be there for introductions yourself, and nip any commentary in the bud then, and talk him up afterward. [/quote]

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