Grumpy, pessimistic DH

[Anonymous]

DH has been in such a crappy mood. He comes home and just starts attacking, criticizing. He jumps down my throat for not agreeing, not being supportive, for not respecting him, even when I have barely said a word. I am afraid of saying anything. He starts yelling when the sink is not completely clean and everything is put in its place and orderly, when I spend at least an hour cleaning every day. But when he is home on the weekend, and I am away, I come home to a wreck.

He is also just really angry at the world. Extremely pessimistic. Keeps telling our children how horrible our world is and how bleak their future is. Hates his job. But has no idea what he wants to do. He is both critical and sarcastic to our children, but also extremely lenient and almost encouraging when it comes to mean and inappropriate behaviors and comments from them.

When he deals with people, he always comes down to their level. Meaning when people start acting inappropriately or starts raging, he matches it, accepts it, adapts his way of talking to match theirs. It's opposite to how I deal with it - which is I either walk away or set clear limits for how to talk to me.

Not sure what to do or how to handle. I have been avoiding interactions because they always make me feel worse.

[Anonymous]

Could be depression.

[Anonymous]

Is this all new behavior? Like has never happened before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this all new behavior? Like has never happened before?

He's always had an undercurrent of pessimism and he's always been a bit of a misanthrope. But it's at another level now. And he's just so much more irritable and angry now. But if I dare to say anything, he says I'm wrong, and that everyone who knows him disagrees with me. That I mistake his views for pessimism when they are actually optimistic. It's truly crazy making.

[Anonymous]

I feel like that's just men

[Anonymous]

I couldn't live with someone that tears everything down. He needs an attitude adjustment or leave the house.

[Anonymous]

Ask him. He’s your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like that's just men

Yikes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this all new behavior? Like has never happened before?

He's always had an undercurrent of pessimism and he's always been a bit of a misanthrope. But it's at another level now. And he's just so much more irritable and angry now. But if I dare to say anything, he says I'm wrong, and that everyone who knows him disagrees with me. That I mistake his views for pessimism when they are actually optimistic. It's truly crazy making.

NP. Sounds like there has been a change in his behaviors and reactions, then. And a change is a signal that something is going on with him. New job? New boss a the old job, or different responsibilities? Any change in his family of origin, a sick parent, money worries re: a parent or sibling? Financial worries at home? Does he focus a lot on the news, and that's why the world seems to suck, because the world is feeling dire right now? Is he facing down a significant birthday or other event which might be reminding him time's passing quickly?....Sit down alone and think if there are new stressors which might be triggering a worsening of his pessimism. Any chance there are stressors outside the house that you don't know about, OP, like trouble at work?

And then: I agree with the PP who said, sounds like possible depression. Depression, especially in men, can manifest not as sadness or "the blues" but as anger and lashing out; please don't assume, "He isn't sad, so it's not depression." And here's the hardest part: Getting him to see his doctor for a full checkup including things like thyroid function, and a depression screening. He likely will balk and argue against it and might get even more negative and angry, but you can point out very clearly that whatever HE thinks is going on with himself, YOU perceive there is a problem, and when one person in a couple sees a problem, yes, a problem exists! He may try to -- is gaslight the right term?-- convince you that you're hearing pessimism when he says it's optimism (a very, very weird take). You'll have to be tough enough to call that out and say, I've made an appointment, and will go with you if you want, but you need to keep it.

You cannot force him to change but you can and should be clear with him that his behavior is making you view him and the marriage in a new light and it is not good, and you're asking him to have an objective outsider check him out. I know, you don't want to engage with him when he's like this, and it's HARD on you. Iv'e been there, OP. But it's either engage, or let it simmer and fester into resentment that'll curdle the marriage and the kids' relationships with him.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you work full time?

Agree with approach of PP but make sure you are not trapped. If you don't work full time, have a plan to prioritize your career so you can get out if need be.

I'm so sorry, living with someone like this is awful. I'm now divorced from an Eeyore. What is his family like? If he has a parent like this he sees it as acceptable.

Does he have friends, socialize?

[Anonymous]

My DH was like this and the doctor diagnosed him as depressed and prescribed medication, which sat on the counter unused until they expired. He was unwilling to have any sort of conversation about it. I don't understand why he even agreed to the appointment or filled the medication if he was going to act like it never happened.

DH's family of origin has a ton of hangups about mental health, medication, and engagement with life. Unfortunately I think he's inherited all of those traits and he feels happier and more secure when he lives separately and as a cynical, distant observer of life. He feels scared and unsettled when he's taking the risks of participating in life and putting his hopes and vulnerabilities out there. If he invests in the world and relationships, then he risks rejection, hurt, pain, discomfort, awkwardness, etc. If he just watches and criticizes, he can be comfortable. I see my husband chase anger as a way to re-energize himself, presumably because he's unconsciously seeking a cortisol rush. It's a messed up but effective learned coping mechanism.

Maybe your DH has a similar background and feels most comfortable when he's in porcupine mode.

[Anonymous]

Do you work, OP?

[Anonymous]

Start grinding up prozac, preferably 40 mg, and put it in his food. If you have a dog, take it to vet and talk about how anxious it is etc. very easy to get an rx. i got trazadone as well for the dog. Now, my husband was not like yours but no fun to be around, probably high-functioning ASD. I did tell him he should try it and he accepted the dog’s meds. With your husband, I’d just crush it up, cook it into pancakes. The man sounds like a nightmare. Oh, and if you get some trazadone (an anti-depressant with sedative qualities) maybe start dosing him with that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start grinding up prozac, preferably 40 mg, and put it in his food. If you have a dog, take it to vet and talk about how anxious it is etc. very easy to get an rx. i got trazadone as well for the dog. Now, my husband was not like yours but no fun to be around, probably high-functioning ASD. I did tell him he should try it and he accepted the dog’s meds. With your husband, I’d just crush it up, cook it into pancakes. The man sounds like a nightmare. Oh, and if you get some trazadone (an anti-depressant with sedative qualities) maybe start dosing him with that too.

He accepted the dog's meds? Come on, troll more realistically than this, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start grinding up prozac, preferably 40 mg, and put it in his food. If you have a dog, take it to vet and talk about how anxious it is etc. very easy to get an rx. i got trazadone as well for the dog. Now, my husband was not like yours but no fun to be around, probably high-functioning ASD. I did tell him he should try it and he accepted the dog’s meds. With your husband, I’d just crush it up, cook it into pancakes. The man sounds like a nightmare. Oh, and if you get some trazadone (an anti-depressant with sedative qualities) maybe start dosing him with that too.

He accepted the dog's meds? Come on, troll more realistically than this, PP.

PP troll is insane but NP here and for a while my dog's prozac was quite expensive from the vet so they just set us up with a regular prescription that we filled at Kroger at the same time as DH's. It was probably 1/4th the cost and a dose that could easily be scaled to match my DH's dose.