Distancing from friend

[Anonymous]

Within the last year I have learned that one of my best friends since high school is a horrible person.

1) Told me for two or three years she was leaving her dh due to his lack of effort/neglect. Turns out she was cheating on him with multiple men. She has never acknowledged this to me. I found out from a mutual friend who walked in on her with the one.
2) Taking advantage of men who express interest in her - she will say horrible things about them and then a week later will be at dinner with them
3) Going out with men who are still married

Multiple friends of ours have started distancing themselves from her. Some have flat out remained friends with her ex-dh, even if they were friends with her first. She has noticed this and expressed frustration to me but I'm not sure how to bring it up to her. "Hey, I know you cheated on Bob with Jim, Joe, and Steve because they blabbed"? I know she'll never be straight with me because she's embarrassed.

I guess I'm just sad. She was one of my best friends but I have no interest in hanging out with her anymore. Even now, I have plans with her tomorrow night and I'm just not excited. Anyone btdt and have advice?

[Anonymous]

How do you know she cheated with multiple men again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know she cheated with multiple men again?

I originally found out from a friend who walked in on her with one of the guys. That was the tipping point for finding out, so to speak. The majority of the intel came from the idiot men who opened their big mouths to mutual friends. I suppose they could be lying, and she is my friend, so to me the walking in on is the one irrefutable affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know she cheated with multiple men again?

I originally found out from a friend who walked in on her with one of the guys. That was the tipping point for finding out, so to speak. The majority of the intel came from the idiot men who opened their big mouths to mutual friends. I suppose they could be lying, and she is my friend, so to me the walking in on is the one irrefutable affair.

Your entire friend group sounds trashy.

Slow fade and find a new group.

[Anonymous]

Since you have known her a long time, I would talk to her. If these rumors are true, I wouldn’t call her a “horrible” person. Instead, she is weak with some questionable morals. If she fesses up to the affairs, tell her you need some distance from your relationship with her and do a slow fade.

[Anonymous]

Well, you’re writing horrible things about her and about to go to dinner with her so pot, kettle.

[Anonymous]

I find it hard to believe that multiple affairs were discovered, or even that a friend walked in on her…I’m thinking about my own neighborhood/community and it would just be so far-fetched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Within the last year I have learned that one of my best friends since high school is a horrible person.

1) Told me for two or three years she was leaving her dh due to his lack of effort/neglect. Turns out she was cheating on him with multiple men. She has never acknowledged this to me. I found out from a mutual friend who walked in on her with the one.
2) Taking advantage of men who express interest in her - she will say horrible things about them and then a week later will be at dinner with them
3) Going out with men who are still married

Multiple friends of ours have started distancing themselves from her. Some have flat out remained friends with her ex-dh, even if they were friends with her first. She has noticed this and expressed frustration to me but I'm not sure how to bring it up to her. "Hey, I know you cheated on Bob with Jim, Joe, and Steve because they blabbed"? I know she'll never be straight with me because she's embarrassed.

I guess I'm just sad. She was one of my best friends but I have no interest in hanging out with her anymore. Even now, I have plans with her tomorrow night and I'm just not excited. Anyone btdt and have advice?

What is it exactly that upsets you? I re-read what you said and switched the gender to make it a guy that said he was leaving DW due to neglect etc but was actually cheating, took advantage of women that expressed interest in them and a week later had sex with them, and went out with married women ….and I would imagine guys would still be friends with them.

Look, if this is supposed to be your best friend you need to decide if she has been a good friend to you. Then think if she was willing to come clean about her challenges, would you be able to disagree with how she handled something but still be her friend. If the answer to either is no, then you need to figure out if direct or slow fade is the right approach to distance yourself. If you think you do want to continue to be her friend but feel it is one sided if you are vulnerable while she hides a big part of her life then you need to open the door to that conversation and go from there.

Each person in the friend group is an adult and should be able to make their own decisions about their relationship with her. I had a college friend that lied about everything. We uncovered what was going on by people mentioning the inconsistencies in her story and talking among the group but each person made their own decision about their friendship and didn’t try to sway anyone to be her friend or not be her friend. There was obviously something deeper going on with that person but in the end I decided that I didn’t want to continue the friendship. The person wasn’t a good friend to me and the things that could have been seen as friendship were used as ways to stay in control of the social group. She would also lie in ways that would kick someone while they were down to raise herself up. Of the group, one person has decided to have at least superficial contact and that was their choice. Someone else, the person that knew them the longest and probably was hurt the most by some of the lying, has chosen to go no contact and that is their choice. I’m in the middle where if there was a change, I might keep in touch. Without any changes it would just be a continuation of her not being a good friend but with me knowing that up front.

[Anonymous]

I mean, you do you, but I don't think her moral failings with respect to her infidelity makes her someone you can't be friends with. That's fine if you want to take the moral high ground and act like you're better than her and you'd never cheat on your husband, but it sounds to me like your friend has been struggling with a difficult marriage for years, and what she does with other men has no bearing on her friendship with you.

I've never cheated on anyone or been cheated on (to my knowledge), I can't fathom ever cheating and doing that to my husband and family, and I would be devastated if my husband ever cheated on me. However, I also don't throw stones and act like I'm better than anyone else who is in a situation I can't really comprehend. Your friend has acted out with men as a response to being in a bad marriage. I'm not excusing that behavior, but I am saying you're acting a bit self-righteous about the whole thing and maybe you could find it in you to actually just be a friend. If not, then cut her loose because she doesn't need you to judge her while pretending to be her friend.

And yes, I have a very close friend of 25 years who cheated on her husband. It didn't change how I feel about her despite the fact that I think it was the wrong thing to do. I wasn't in her shoes, and she didn't cheat on me, so I'm still her friend and am helping her through her divorce because I care about her more than I care about my ability to trumpet that I would NEVER do something like that in order to make myself feel morally superior. But again, you do you.

[Anonymous]

How did your friend walk in on her? I can’t imagine that happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did your friend walk in on her? I can’t imagine that happening.

Yeah, either this thread is a trollpost or OP and her whole circle are total csnts. Trashy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you have known her a long time, I would talk to her. If these rumors are true, I wouldn’t call her a “horrible” person. Instead, she is weak with some questionable morals. If she fesses up to the affairs, tell her you need some distance from your relationship with her and do a slow fade.

It is not just the affairs. If that were the case I would tell her I was disappointed and we could move on. It is the almost pathological need for attention, particularly from men. After her divorce there were several men who expressed interest and she would say horrible things about them - and then the next night be at dinner with them and insist it was just friendly (even though she said very mean things about them the night before). I know people are going to respond with the DCUM favorite "Are you 12" but no, I'm not, that's why I find this behavior problematic. It is almost like middle school mean girl behavior being put on by a woman in her 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you do you, but I don't think her moral failings with respect to her infidelity makes her someone you can't be friends with. That's fine if you want to take the moral high ground and act like you're better than her and you'd never cheat on your husband, but it sounds to me like your friend has been struggling with a difficult marriage for years, and what she does with other men has no bearing on her friendship with you.

I've never cheated on anyone or been cheated on (to my knowledge), I can't fathom ever cheating and doing that to my husband and family, and I would be devastated if my husband ever cheated on me. However, I also don't throw stones and act like I'm better than anyone else who is in a situation I can't really comprehend. Your friend has acted out with men as a response to being in a bad marriage. I'm not excusing that behavior, but I am saying you're acting a bit self-righteous about the whole thing and maybe you could find it in you to actually just be a friend. If not, then cut her loose because she doesn't need you to judge her while pretending to be her friend.

And yes, I have a very close friend of 25 years who cheated on her husband. It didn't change how I feel about her despite the fact that I think it was the wrong thing to do. I wasn't in her shoes, and she didn't cheat on me, so I'm still her friend and am helping her through her divorce because I care about her more than I care about my ability to trumpet that I would NEVER do something like that in order to make myself feel morally superior. But again, you do you.

She wasn't in a bad marriage. At worst she was in a complacent, stale marriage. And even that is in doubt - it sounds like the marriage was never bad and that was the excuse for the affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did your friend walk in on her? I can’t imagine that happening.

Yeah, either this thread is a trollpost or OP and her whole circle are total csnts. Trashy.

We're in total c unts because one of us walked in on a friend having sex with a man in public? What an odd thing to say.

I couldn't fathom walking in on someone having sex either, but it was in a public place where there was a reasonable expectation that you would NOT walk in on two people having sex. That is how bad this situation is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Within the last year I have learned that one of my best friends since high school is a horrible person.

1) Told me for two or three years she was leaving her dh due to his lack of effort/neglect. Turns out she was cheating on him with multiple men. She has never acknowledged this to me. I found out from a mutual friend who walked in on her with the one.
2) Taking advantage of men who express interest in her - she will say horrible things about them and then a week later will be at dinner with them
3) Going out with men who are still married

Multiple friends of ours have started distancing themselves from her. Some have flat out remained friends with her ex-dh, even if they were friends with her first. She has noticed this and expressed frustration to me but I'm not sure how to bring it up to her. "Hey, I know you cheated on Bob with Jim, Joe, and Steve because they blabbed"? I know she'll never be straight with me because she's embarrassed.

I guess I'm just sad. She was one of my best friends but I have no interest in hanging out with her anymore. Even now, I have plans with her tomorrow night and I'm just not excited. Anyone btdt and have advice?

What is it exactly that upsets you? I re-read what you said and switched the gender to make it a guy that said he was leaving DW due to neglect etc but was actually cheating, took advantage of women that expressed interest in them and a week later had sex with them, and went out with married women ….and I would imagine guys would still be friends with them.

Look, if this is supposed to be your best friend you need to decide if she has been a good friend to you. Then think if she was willing to come clean about her challenges, would you be able to disagree with how she handled something but still be her friend. If the answer to either is no, then you need to figure out if direct or slow fade is the right approach to distance yourself. If you think you do want to continue to be her friend but feel it is one sided if you are vulnerable while she hides a big part of her life then you need to open the door to that conversation and go from there.

Each person in the friend group is an adult and should be able to make their own decisions about their relationship with her. I had a college friend that lied about everything. We uncovered what was going on by people mentioning the inconsistencies in her story and talking among the group but each person made their own decision about their friendship and didn’t try to sway anyone to be her friend or not be her friend. There was obviously something deeper going on with that person but in the end I decided that I didn’t want to continue the friendship. The person wasn’t a good friend to me and the things that could have been seen as friendship were used as ways to stay in control of the social group. She would also lie in ways that would kick someone while they were down to raise herself up. Of the group, one person has decided to have at least superficial contact and that was their choice. Someone else, the person that knew them the longest and probably was hurt the most by some of the lying, has chosen to go no contact and that is their choice. I’m in the middle where if there was a change, I might keep in touch. Without any changes it would just be a continuation of her not being a good friend but with me knowing that up front.

I appreciate this response, thank you. There is an issue with sort of like what you mention about your friend lying to raise herself up...that is sort of what I'm dealing with with my friend as well. She will constantly bring up small slights against people ("Remember that time you thought you were friends with so-and-so but you weren't invited to her wedding? Bob and Jane were invited and they didn't know her that well..."). I will never forget a few years ago a friend was going through a horrible breakup, another friend saw the ex-bf on dating apps pretty quickly, and we were all like, "Don't tell Katie, she'll be crushed" and what does the friend in my OP do? Immediately waits until we are all together and says "Sarah, tell Katie how you saw Steve's profile on Tinder the other day!" It was so terrible. It's really not just the affairs and your post helped me realize that.

We also have another friend who has started dating a guy the friend in my OP went out with once years ago. She constantly brings it up in front of his gf.

So, I appreciate this well-written and thoughtful response. It has helped me narrow down exactly what problems I am having with my friend.