Do I inform my mother that her estranged father passed away?

[Anonymous]

My mother hasn’t spoken to her family in decades. In the past, one of her siblings will reach out when someone has passed away, as they did with her grandmother, two brothers, and then her mother. It appears no one contacted her about her father dying because just a couple of weeks ago she was talking about how a large storm passed through the town where her father lives, but he passed away this past January. My grandfather had a unique name which I heard on a podcast, and it prompted a strange and urgent curiosity in me to search his name, and that’s how I found out.

I think it will devastate my mother that not only is her father dead, but will confirm that he never tried to reach out in his illness (he died after a long sickness), and that nobody cared enough to inform her of his passing. There is a LOT of history there, childhood trauma, unresolved hurt. I don’t think I should tell her, but at the same time, this feels like a heavy burden. She mentions him occasionally, I think she hopes/hoped he will reach out to her before he dies/died, and now it’s too late.

If I keep this a secret and let her discover this on her own, how should I act the next time she brings him up?

[Anonymous]

Of course you tell her.

[Anonymous]

No, don't tell her and act surprised when she mentions it. She could have reached out to him if she really wanted contact.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you should tell her.

I am estranged from my sister. A big fear of mine is her getting sick and dying and me not knowing.

[Anonymous]

This post sounds so fake. OP heard a name on a podcast to find out her grandfather died?

[Anonymous]

What good does it do to tell her? It’s not as though someone told you and she may find out you kept this from her. Allow her the peace of not knowing, and holding out hope. What’s the harm? When the day comes she tells you, act surprised and sympathetic.

[Anonymous]

No. No good will come of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What good does it do to tell her? It’s not as though someone told you and she may find out you kept this from her. Allow her the peace of not knowing, and holding out hope. What’s the harm? When the day comes she tells you, act surprised and sympathetic.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What good does it do to tell her? It’s not as though someone told you and she may find out you kept this from her. Allow her the peace of not knowing, and holding out hope. What’s the harm? When the day comes she tells you, act surprised and sympathetic.

This. My mine immediately went to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory when the news announces late one night that the last ticket was sold, and the mom wants to wake Charlie to tell him, but the grandpa says something alone the lines of, “don’t wake him, let him have one last dream”.

Don’t wake her, OP. Let her have her dream. He’s gone either way. Why upset her needlessly right now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What good does it do to tell her? It’s not as though someone told you and she may find out you kept this from her. Allow her the peace of not knowing, and holding out hope. What’s the harm? When the day comes she tells you, act surprised and sympathetic.

This. My mine immediately went to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory when the news announces late one night that the last ticket was sold, and the mom wants to wake Charlie to tell him, but the grandpa says something alone the lines of, “don’t wake him, let him have one last dream”.

Don’t wake her, OP. Let her have her dream. He’s gone either way. Why upset her needlessly right now?

Yes but Charlie still overheard and was heartbroken anyway. Tell your mom - she will find out eventually and probably be upset that you knew and didn't tell her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What good does it do to tell her? It’s not as though someone told you and she may find out you kept this from her. Allow her the peace of not knowing, and holding out hope. What’s the harm? When the day comes she tells you, act surprised and sympathetic.

This. My mine immediately went to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory when the news announces late one night that the last ticket was sold, and the mom wants to wake Charlie to tell him, but the grandpa says something alone the lines of, “don’t wake him, let him have one last dream”.

Don’t wake her, OP. Let her have her dream. He’s gone either way. Why upset her needlessly right now?

Yes but Charlie still overheard and was heartbroken anyway. Tell your mom - she will find out eventually and probably be upset that you knew and didn't tell her.

OP here. I assure you my mother does not know my Google search history.

[Anonymous]

Probable fake post. Anecdotally, unless you are prepared to help your mom work through the devastation you say she will experience if you tell her, stay out of it and act surprised when she does find out.

[Anonymous]

You can tell her but if she's estranged why would they contact her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probable fake post. Anecdotally, unless you are prepared to help your mom work through the devastation you say she will experience if you tell her, stay out of it and act surprised when she does find out.

OP here. Omg it’s not a fake post! Please stop! Why does everyone always think everything is a fake post? This isn’t even remotely scandalous. Just stop!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can tell her but if she's estranged why would they contact her?

They’ve contacted her with every other family death since the estrangement, as I said in the OP. I’m assuming they don’t plan on contacting her this time because he died six months ago and she was still speaking about him as though he was alive just a couple weeks ago.