Do I inform my mother that her estranged father passed away?

[Anonymous]

Your mom knows how to google right? If she wants to know, she can google him.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her. I don’t understand why the news will devastate her because he was…old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her. I don’t understand why the news will devastate her because he was…old.

No, the news will devastate her for other reasons. Unresolved issues, facing the reality that the relationship can never be healed, that her father wasn't the father she wished for, the "confirmation" that she wasn't important enough to be told, etc. There's a finality to it, and associated pain.

I'm not sure that OP should tell her mother, but I am sure that DCUM probably isn't the best place to source the decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her. I don’t understand why the news will devastate her because he was…old.

No, the news will devastate her for other reasons. Unresolved issues, facing the reality that the relationship can never be healed, that her father wasn't the father she wished for, the "confirmation" that she wasn't important enough to be told, etc. There's a finality to it, and associated pain.

I'm not sure that OP should tell her mother, but I am sure that DCUM probably isn't the best place to source the decision.

OP here. It’s exactly this. Thanks for this.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her. If she find out later that u know that will put a rift in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her. If she find out later that u know that will put a rift in your relationship.

How would she find out? I’m genuinely curious how she would find out I know right now? I’m alone at work. I searched on my phone, private browsing. I’ve told no one but you here. How would she find out I know? I’m genuinely curious and awaiting your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her. If she find out later that u know that will put a rift in your relationship.

How would she find out? I’m genuinely curious how she would find out I know right now? I’m alone at work. I searched on my phone, private browsing. I’ve told no one but you here. How would she find out I know? I’m genuinely curious and awaiting your answer.

Well once she finds out and ask you about it would you lie and pretend that’s the first time you heard?

[Anonymous]

Tell her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her. If she find out later that u know that will put a rift in your relationship.

How would she find out? I’m genuinely curious how she would find out I know right now? I’m alone at work. I searched on my phone, private browsing. I’ve told no one but you here. How would she find out I know? I’m genuinely curious and awaiting your answer.

Well once she finds out and ask you about it would you lie and pretend that’s the first time you heard?

Of course! Easily! There is no emotion there. The last time I saw the man was when I was preschool aged. It would be no different than hearing any other acquaintance had died. I don’t think there would be much reaction expected, other than sympathy.

[Anonymous]

If you think she will care that he's dead, then you should tell her.

I know someone who doesn't want to know what is going on with their father and won't care when he dies. So I would never tell them if I happened to find out.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had a great relationship with my mother and if I could have been saved from getting 'the phone call' and pretended she was still alive I would have. Hell, it's been years and I still pretend she is on holiday/can't call me.

Don't tell her. Let her do the math one day and Google him to see if he is indeed 120 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her. If she find out later that u know that will put a rift in your relationship.

How would she find out? I’m genuinely curious how she would find out I know right now? I’m alone at work. I searched on my phone, private browsing. I’ve told no one but you here. How would she find out I know? I’m genuinely curious and awaiting your answer.

I'm not the person you quoted, but I still think you should tell her.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me and I wish someone would’ve told me. I found out my estranged parent died on the internet when I happened to google them. Their family didn’t even bother to tell me they’d died. If I found out that someone in my own family knew but didn’t tell me, I would be incredibly hurt. It was awful finding out the way I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and I wish someone would’ve told me. I found out my estranged parent died on the internet when I happened to google them. Their family didn’t even bother to tell me they’d died. If I found out that someone in my own family knew but didn’t tell me, I would be incredibly hurt. It was awful finding out the way I did.

NP but what’s the difference? Either way her family of origin didn’t bother to tell her, and her child found out via the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and I wish someone would’ve told me. I found out my estranged parent died on the internet when I happened to google them. Their family didn’t even bother to tell me they’d died. If I found out that someone in my own family knew but didn’t tell me, I would be incredibly hurt. It was awful finding out the way I did.

If this bothered you so much, why was there no attempt to end the estrangement?